confession
#1
confession


god's wrath as lightning. midnight
hands that touch, a tongue that licks --

morning. scarlet cloth, candlestick ready to pierce, to force open
my nine mouths and burn me brighter
than the temple dedicated, defiled --

i grab my phone. i plug the headphones in. i link, i listen.
i exhale. through the open window eyes that watch: bodies on the shelf,
cameras in the distance --

cats on a cooling roof, our lips as keys.



confession


in the middle of the night
hands that touch, a tongue that licks --

morning. scarlet cloth, candlestick ready to pierce, to force open
my nine mouths and burn me brighter
than the temple in Kislev, or Av, or Nisan --

i grab my phone. i plug my headphones in. i link, i listen. 
i exhale. through the open window eyes that watch: bodies on the shelf,
cameras in the distance --

cats on a cooling roof, our lips as keys.
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#2
Hi RiverNotch

Your poem holds an air of mystery to it, but it also fits into many things I am familiar with, if I read it introspectfully, which I often do, particualrly online poetry. I guess I am a sucker for intrigue. Intrigue, like a great spy novel, or a good suspense film. Even your pen name is intriquing, but well, here goes my critique, for what it is worth, which is absolutely nothing! Smile



confession                                                      okay if that doesn't grab someone and make them want to peep into someone else's business! 

                                                                       great lure!

in the middle of the night                                                                                   starting out with something billy joel cannot fail.
hands that touch, a tongue that licks --                                                             might be personal, or not

morning. scarlet cloth, candlestick ready to pierce, to force open                       scarlet cloth, I am thinking commies or cardinals
my nine mouths and burn me brighter                                                               a screaming mega phone, or proclamation
than the temple in Kislev, or Av, or Nisan --                                                         jewish stuff, that's all I know

i grab my phone. i plug my headphones in. i link, i listen.                                     this is cute stanza, honestly, very telling
i exhale. through the open window eyes that watch: bodies on the shelf,            bodies are scary
cameras in the distance --                                                                                   security cameras, I hope

cats on a cooling roof, our lips as keys.                                                               nice ending, though it puzzled me, just sounds cool



A bit abstract, thanks for the read,
like a good Picasso,
you've helped me thru a headache.
I guess the red reference sort of reminded me of Christians
in the coliseum in Rome. The ones who ran themselves to death
when the dogs were set loose...
I don't know why I have that in my head, heart...
Just the same, please take care.
Thank you for the opportunity to critique.
Best wishes for a bright and wonderful day for you!

janine
Janine Burke
there's always a better reason to love

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#3
Thanks for the notes.
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#4
Hi RiverNotch
I enjoyed your poem, I read this as the N pulling an all nighter playing Warhammer, I like the ending as it feels like a release the fresh air of movement its that same feeling you get when you stop binge watching on Netflix and decide to move. Some comments below. Best Keith

(06-12-2017, 06:07 PM)RiverNotch Wrote:  confession The title implies guilt so what follows by implication is a guilty pleasure ?


in the middle of the night Nibbed comment has screwed this for me I can only read it by singing it, That said it is a little bland a good set up but no hook
hands that touch, a tongue that licks -- the comfort of a pet seems to have a special place in the small hours, I like this.

morning. scarlet cloth, candlestick ready to pierce, to force open I know how this feels, nice word choices
my nine mouths and burn me brighter
than the temple in Kislev, or Av, or Nisan -- I dont think you need the extra references here

i grab my phone. i plug my headphones in. i link, i listen.do you need the I's ?
i exhale. through the open window eyes that watch: bodies on the shelf, I get a good image of a warm morning just waking up, nicely done
cameras in the distance --

cats on a cooling roof, our lips as keys. Not sure about this line so will need to re read

If your undies fer you've been smoking through em, don't peg em out
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#5
thanks for the feedback. edit posted above.
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