Grace To You
#1
Observing Courage (edit Leanne, River)
 
all day in my head
ran the starts and stops
of Normandy, Normandy, Normandy, Nor…
 
 
 
I’ve had four beers
with my prescribed Clonazepam
and only just stopped shaking.


Grace To You (original)
 
all day in my head
ran the starts and stops
of Normandy, Normandy, Normandy, Nor…
 
 
 
I’ve had eleven beers
with my prescribed Clonazepam
and only just stopped shaking.

Reply
#2
I think it's me, not you -- I'm missing an anchor for this poem, because I read it and feel instinctively that it's a veteran thrown back into battle by D-Day memorials, and yet I can't get a solid grip on it. I can't tell whether it's a D-Day veteran (there wouldn't be many of those left, I expect), a family member, someone who fought in a different set of battles, or just someone who has his own battle going on inside his head. Perhaps it's the title -- I feel like it's important but all I get from it is a religious platitude.

Sorry Paul. Like I said, I think it's my fault I'm missing this.
It could be worse
Reply
#3
I'm not quite sure what this poem is about, I read it from the perspective of an alcoholic, so maybe a little more background or details?
Reply
#4
I don't get the title
I get the idea that it's a veteran out celebrating a D Day anniversary, getting drunk, and remembering the bad old times, in which case it's a great poem with a solid L3
~ I think I just quoted myself - Achebe
Reply
#5
I just read that mixing clonazepam is exceedingly dangerous with alcohol, so the eleven beers is clearly suicide since the meds prescribed, but complaining that it only stopped the shaking, grace to you seems like a personal reach to honor this sad person
It's fantastic!
Reply
#6
(06-10-2017, 08:26 PM)CRNDLSM Wrote:  I just read that mixing clonazepam is exceedingly dangerous with alcohol, so the eleven beers is clearly suicide since the meds prescribed, but complaining that it only stopped the shaking, grace to you seems like a personal reach to honor this sad person

Ah - I should've googled.
That changes the meaning of the poem.
It's enigmatic....but lovely.
Wouldn't change a thing.
~ I think I just quoted myself - Achebe
Reply
#7
(06-10-2017, 06:02 AM)Tiger the Lion Wrote:  Grace To You
 
all day in my head
ran the starts and stops
of Normandy, Normandy, Normandy, Nor…
 
 
 
I’ve had eleven beers
with my prescribed Clonazepam
and only just stopped shaking.
I'm lost at the title and at line three. Title's introduction of "you" makes me scratch my head, since I can't identify who "you" is: the speaker blessing us, absolutely absent from the piece, or the speaker being blessed by the title, which begs the question of why the introduced ambiguity? There's also a lack of Grace-ful imagery in the piece, which may just be a limitation of a more theological mindset -- or it may be that the two presented thoughts, that of the speaker's shaking being so strong it needs that much more alcohol with the drug, or that of the speaker committing suicide, are still too obliquely tied to the more general idea of grace for the title to work. As for line three, although it immediately evokes D-Day, as with Leanne, it also makes me ask from which perspective does the piece really come from, especially since the language of the piece doesn't date it sufficiently, and I don't expect there to be much Normandy veterans still getting trauma-drunk nearly 75 years from the landings.
Reply
#8
Thanks to everyone, for reading and commenting. 
I have been trying to write very compact pieces and I think this one got fragmented and fell victim to its own brevity. - (I'm fine with trial and error.) Obviously the title is not working. - It looks cryptic even to me now. Also, ELEVEN beers was a huge mistake. Haha. Suicide was not an intended reading. I'm not sure if I can salvage this piece without tripling its length and losing the original thought. I will, however, attempt a quick edit and see if it makes a difference.
Thanks again,
Paul

Observing Courage
 
all day in my head
ran the starts and stops
of Normandy, Normandy, Normandy, Nor…
 
 
 
I’ve had four beers
with my prescribed Clonazepam
and only just stopped shaking.

Reply
#9
Even though I didn't see eleven as suicide (why, there's still one left from the 12-pack for the morning Smile), four leaves chronic alcoholism up in the air, which I think is less distracting, maybe. I know high functioning viet vets who fit the profile of the edit, it just takes that much. So I think the edit works well, for me the poem worked well from the start. I sort of love the original title because I hear an echo of "and to you, too" but if you prefer the new one I'd go with just "Courage".

Thanks for posting it, I think your brevity works just fine here.

edit: I just reread the previous crit and remembered thinking that the poem could apply to anyone's Normandy and that's okay with me.

(06-10-2017, 06:02 AM)Tiger the Lion Wrote:  Observing Courage (edit Leanne, River)
 
all day in my head
ran the starts and stops
of Normandy, Normandy, Normandy, Nor…
 
 
 
I’ve had four beers
with my prescribed Clonazepam
and only just stopped shaking.


Grace To You (original)
 
all day in my head
ran the starts and stops
of Normandy, Normandy, Normandy, Nor…
 
 
 
I’ve had eleven beers
with my prescribed Clonazepam
and only just stopped shaking.
billy wrote:"welcome to the site. make it your own, wear it like a well loved slipper and wear it out."
ella pleads: please click on each forum title and read the posting guidelines and important threads.


Reply




Users browsing this thread: 1 Guest(s)
Do NOT follow this link or you will be banned from the site!