The last day's in May
#1
He swapped the car in Phoenix
with a screwdriver and a twist of spark,
used a wad of money
like a maxi-pad over a deep red bullet wound
that oozed pink saline every time he moved.
 
She was probably with someone else.
He had no right to be heading her way,
the cool desert air made him feel drowsy
as the Buick's soft ride drifted from the road.
He could smell the creosote after rain,
a scent of home, a forgotten hiding place.

He picked all his words through the open window
and prepared to eat them like poison apples,
knowing he’d lost too much blood to explain.
The dust cloud settled outside her trailer,
the long stretching sound of the car horn
nudges her from a troubled sleep.

Maybe she'll be a forgiving nurse
with alcohol and tweezers,
give him clean sheets and chicken soup.

Maybe she'll tell him to fuck off
and regret watching the tail lights
the moment they shrink out of sight.

Maybe she will get in the car to hold his hand,
stay there to watch the night give way
under the pressure of a fresh morning
and say goodbye
as she lifts the bag from the back seat.

If your undies fer you've been smoking through em, don't peg em out
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#2
(06-10-2017, 04:55 AM)Keith Wrote:  He swapped the car in Phoenix
with a screwdriver and a twisted spark, -- maybe twist of spark?
used a wad of money
like a maxi-pad over a deep red bullet wound
that oozed pink saline every time he moved. -- great setup. Straight away we're in the picture.
 
She was probably with someone else, -- full stop or semi-colon here would work better.
he had no rights to be heading her way. -- right?
The cool desert air made him feel drowsy
the Bewicks soft ride drifted from the road -- Buick?
he could smell the Creosote after rain -- some end-line punctuation would help this stanza
a scent of home, a forgotten hiding place. 

He picked all his words through the open window
and prepared to eat them like poison apples, -- spectacular image
knowing he’d lost too much blood to explain.
The dust cloud settled outside her trailer,
the long stretching sound of the car horn
nudges her from a troubled sleep. -- I'm not sure whether the shift of tense works or not, although it does turn it toward the future possibilities in the next stanza, so yeah, it probably works.  Ignore me, I'm sort of raving a bit.  Mmm, creosote...

Maybe she will be a forgiving nurse
with alcohol and tweesers, -- tweezers, like geezers 
give him clean sheets and chicken soup.

Maybe she'll tell him to fuck off
and regret watching the tail lights
the moment they shrink out of sight.

Maybe she will get in the car to hold his hand,
stay there to watch the night give way
under the pressure of a fresh morning -- these lines are glorious
and say goodbye as she lifts the bag from the back seat. -- and the fact that you finish on this says this is the more likely option.  Excellent.
Hi Keith,

This is a nice creation of character, and you carefully don't allow extraneous detail to detract from the humanity of the situation.  It's written a little like a scene from a film and is very easy to picture.  Nicely done.

Although I was slightly disappointed, upon reading the title, that it wasn't about the woeful performance of the Tories and the decimation of UKIP Big Grin
It could be worse
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#3
[/quote]

Hi Keith,

This is a nice creation of character, and you carefully don't allow extraneous detail to detract from the humanity of the situation.  It's written a little like a scene from a film and is very easy to picture.  Nicely done.

Although I was slightly disappointed, upon reading the title, that it wasn't about the woeful performance of the Tories and the decimation of UKIP Big Grin
[/quote]

I could do the decimation of UKIP with a kind of Green Room (the movie) type vibe. Big Grin I would enjoy that one.

Thank you for the suggested edits and feedback all your suggestions work well for me I will do a quick edit on the original. Thanks Leanne.

If your undies fer you've been smoking through em, don't peg em out
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