The Shrinking Sky
#1
İmage


1st revision

Visiting the home of my childhood,
standing in the middle of a patch
of grass that was my back yard.

I looked up into a small sky,
with a small moon and
tiny stars. That many years
ago seemed so much bigger.

Once the never ending universe,
the great proliferator of this boy's
imagination.

Older, devoid of adolescent innocence;
the belief that somehow all my hopes
and dreams would magically come true.

I now realize,
like the tiny sky I'm gazing upon,
My life too-
has become smaller.


Original

Visiting the home of my childhood,
I stood in the middle of a tiny patch 
of grass I used to call my back yard.

I looked up into a small sky 
with an even smaller moon and 
tiny stars.

There was a time that it appeared 
to me  as the vast never ending universe, 
it was the great proliferator of a boy's 
imagination.

Yes the perception of the moon and stars 
in the dark of night all those years ago 
seemed  so much bigger to me.

Older now and devoid  of adolescent 
innocence and the belief that somehow 
all my hopes and dreams could magically 
come true,

I realize like the tiny sky
I now gaze upon,
that my life too-
has become smaller
Someday the Mystery will be known Wink
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#2
The poem seems a little halting, takes its time getting to the point.  Which is nicely atmospheric since the viewpoint/author is coming, reluctantly, to a sad realization.

Not a critique thread, but one odd observation:  the heading photo, with meteor, is too dramatic for the subject matter.  Without it, maybe with the eaves of the house filling more of the frame, it would be perfect.

Good read!  Thanks.
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#3
(06-08-2017, 11:22 AM)homer1950 Wrote:  Visiting the home of my childhood,     
I stood in the middle of a tiny patch    I´d put all the stanzas with the adult´s perspective in present tense
of grass I used to call my back yard.    

I looked up into a small sky           comma after yard and then “looking up” to avoid the third  “I”
with an even smaller moon and      I think “and” belongs in the next line
tiny stars.

There was a time that it appeared     maybe just write “once the vast, never ending universe/ was the great… ”
to me  as the vast never ending universe,   
it was the great proliferator of a boy's     “proliferation” instead of “proliferator” would make a little more sense to me (but I can see it goes both ways).. 
imagination.      I´d put “of a boy´s” in this line to accompany “imagination”

Yes the perception of the moon and stars 
in the dark of night all thiose years ago     “those” ;       stars can only be seen in the “dark of night” anyway, so I´d leave that out.
seemed  so much bigger to me.            I would write “was” instead of “seemed to me” as the perception of the past was real to the child.
but altogether I think that stanza is repeating what the one before said.

Older now and devoid  of adolescent                somehow these 4 lines try to explain too much  and still it appears almost far-stretched to connect the loss of imagination/ awe with resignation.  ( but that´s just me)
innocence and the belief that somehow 
all my hopes and dreams could magically      
come true,

I realize like the tiny sky     the tiny sky doesn´t realize.. so maybe: I realize that my life/ like the tiny sky / has become smaller
I now gaze upon,
that my life too-       

has become smaller

hope you find something useful Smile
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#4
Hi Homer1950. I liked your poem. It is simple, honest, actual poetry.


Visiting the home of my childhood,                                  melancholy
I stood in the middle of a tiny patch 
of grass I used to call my back yard.                                this could be metaphor, but I take it as face value

I looked up into a small sky                                            brings up a question to the reader
with an even smaller moon and 
tiny stars.

There was a time that it appeared 
to me  as the vast never ending universe, 
it was the great proliferator of a boy's 
imagination.                                                                

Yes the perception of the moon and stars                       may not need a repeat
in the dark of night all thiose years ago 
seemed  so much bigger to me.

Older now and devoid  of adolescent 
innocence and the belief that somehow 
all my hopes and dreams could magically 
come true,

I realize like the tiny sky                                             I like the last stanza, but I feel it's missing something
I now gaze upon,                                                       perhaps a happier, quirky last stanza? It seems sad,
that my life too-                                                         but that may be the intent.
has become smaller




Thank you for the opportunity to critique.

Janine
Janine Burke
there's always a better reason to love

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#5
Hi Homer1950. You posted in a thread that doesn't invite crits - yet you're getting them! I think this should be in a workshopping thread. I'd like to comment on it.
Poetry can be dangerous, especially beautiful poetry, because it gives the illusion of having had the experience without actually going through it.

~ Rumi
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#6
(06-09-2017, 03:29 PM)just mercedes Wrote:  Hi Homer1950. You posted in a thread that doesn't invite crits - yet you're getting them! I think this should be in a workshopping thread. I'd like to comment on it.
From the posting guidelines for Misc.
Quote:including spoken word, visual response (poems with pictures), experimental, fusion or anything for which the poet does not require critique. Comments may, however, include critique

As this poem has the image I believe this was the right forum to post it in, and anyone is free to critique it here. Have at it. Smile
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#7
Your poem's title is what drew me in to your poem. I think the poem could be trimmed a bit, to present your story more strongly. 

I really like the looking back into childhood, and the realization that, in fact, everything is smaller than remembered. I also like the conceit that the narrator hasn't grown, it's the sky that has shrunk. I think you have a great start here.





(06-08-2017, 11:22 AM)homer1950 Wrote:  İmage

Visiting the home of my childhood,
I stood in the middle of a tiny patch 
of grass I used to call my back yard. In this stanza you use the word 'of' three times. Really stands out in such short lines.

I looked up into a small sky 
with an even smaller moon and 
tiny stars. small, smaller, tiny - I think this could be tweaked; it's very bland.

{There was a time that it appeared a lot of words to say 'once'
to me}  as the vast never ending universe, vast and never ending - do you really need both? Aren't they much the same?
it was the great proliferator of a boy's 
imagination. very abstract terms that don't carry any images - telling, not showing

Yes the perception of the moon and stars 
in the dark of night all thiose years ago 
seemed  so much bigger to me. the perception seemed bigger? Or the moon and stars seemed bigger? Unclear. There are those pesky 'of's again

Older now and devoid  of adolescent 
innocence and the belief that somehow 
all my hopes and dreams could magically 
come true, very prosey, very abstract terms, again no images that your reader can 'see' for themselves

I realize like the tiny sky
I now gaze upon, do you really 'gaze upon' things? or do you look at them? Feels self-consciously 'poetical'
that my life too-
has become smaller  This is a very satisfying ending, for me.
Poetry can be dangerous, especially beautiful poetry, because it gives the illusion of having had the experience without actually going through it.

~ Rumi
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#8
Big Grin 
Visiting the home of my childhood,
I stood in the middle of a tiny patch 
of grass I used to call my back yard. Love that your start is melancholic

I looked up into a small sky I felt this particularly line is too short. Should have continued describing the universe even further.
with an even smaller moon and 
tiny stars.

There was a time that it appeared 
to me  as the vast never ending universe, 
it was the great proliferator of a boy's 
imagination.

Yes the perception of the moon and stars 
in the dark of night all thiose years ago 
seemed  so much bigger to me.

Older now and devoid  of adolescent 
innocence and the belief that somehow 
all my hopes and dreams could magically 
come true,

I realize like the tiny sky
I now gaze upon,
that my life too-
has become smaller

Overall, well versed (makes me feel the atmosphere of a situation, in which writer is right now) but just sometimes I felt a line was too short or too long. You should perhaps try to balance you line size Wink
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#9
Thank you all for the great responses and encouragement.
Someday the Mystery will be known Wink
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