Creatures of the Night
#1
V1
Shadows stalk you in the dark
Become monkeys on your back.
At war with the world
Fair country girl
Armed to the teeth your trademark
 
V2
Graduated hard knock U
Dark journey that never ends
Continue the curse
A life perverse
The madness will breakthrough
 
C1
Master loves his mistresses
So much he keeps them in sight
He loves them so much
He turns them into
Creatures of the night
 
V3
People say you like it
If you let it happen to you
But what they don't know
You're powerless to grow
The beauty inside (anew, virtue, of view) 
 
V4
Daddy said you'd never grow up good
He cursed your cost preflight 
Then beat you down 
until you became
a creature of the night
 
V5
Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned
Or so the saying goes
He'll see it someday
What he views risqué
Lies inside of his own clothes
 
C2
Master loves his mistresses
So much he keeps them in his sight
He loves them so much
He turns them into
Creatures of the night
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#2
(06-06-2017, 05:41 AM)Jana Wrote:  V1
Shadows stalk you in the dark
Become monkeys on your back.
At war with the world
Fair country girl
Armed to the teeth your trademark
 
V2
Graduated hard knock U
Dark journey that never ends
Continue the curse
A life perverse
The madness will breakthrough  need pause either before "breakthrough" or by breaking into "break through?"
 
C1
Master loves his mistresses
So much he keeps them in sight
He loves them so much
He turns them into
Creatures of the night
 
V3
People say you like it
If you let it happen to you
But what they don't know
You're powerless to grow
The beauty inside (anew, virtue, of view) 
 
V4
Daddy said you'd never grow up good
He cursed your cost preflight  last word hard to interpret
Then beat you down 
until you became
a creature of the night
 
V5
Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned  line break before "scorned," make 'em wait for the full quotation while pondering the generalization?
Or so the saying goes
He'll see it someday
What he views risqué word that better matches "risque" than "views" (without "as") - "thinks?"
Lies inside of his own clothes nice double meaning of "lies"
 
C2
Master loves his mistresses
So much he keeps them in his sight
He loves them so much
He turns them into
Creatures of the night

Getting the images, with a driving syncopated rhythm unlike "Music of the Night."

Puts one in mind of the (female) vampire hunter genre in novels and cinema, particularly "armed to the teeth."

Variable rhyme scheme suitable for song; gives the impression of a rhymed form, but in fact the end rhyme locations vary between verses.  This is effective.

Enjoyed it.

(P.S.  Capitalizing the first letter of each line is discouraged on this site except when sentence structure or proper names demand it.  I personally don't care one way or the other, but fashion here is against it.)
feedback award Non-practicing atheist
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#3
(06-06-2017, 11:59 AM)dukealien Wrote:  
(06-06-2017, 05:41 AM)Jana Wrote:  V1
Shadows stalk you in the dark
Become monkeys on your back.
At war with the world
Fair country girl
Armed to the teeth your trademark
 
V2
Graduated hard knock U
Dark journey that never ends
Continue the curse
A life perverse
The madness will breakthrough  need pause either before "breakthrough" or by breaking into "break through?"
 
C1
Master loves his mistresses
So much he keeps them in sight
He loves them so much
He turns them into
Creatures of the night
 
V3
People say you like it
If you let it happen to you
But what they don't know
You're powerless to grow
The beauty inside (anew, virtue, of view) 
 
V4
Daddy said you'd never grow up good
He cursed your cost preflight  last word hard to interpret
Then beat you down 
until you became
a creature of the night
 
V5
Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned  line break before "scorned," make 'em wait for the full quotation while pondering the generalization?
Or so the saying goes
He'll see it someday
What he views risqué word that better matches "risque" than "views" (without "as") - "thinks?"
Lies inside of his own clothes nice double meaning of "lies"
 
C2
Master loves his mistresses
So much he keeps them in his sight
He loves them so much
He turns them into
Creatures of the night

Getting the images, with a driving syncopated rhythm unlike "Music of the Night."

Puts one in mind of the (female) vampire hunter genre in novels and cinema, particularly "armed to the teeth."

Variable rhyme scheme suitable for song; gives the impression of a rhymed form, but in fact, the end rhyme locations vary between verses.  This is effective.

Enjoyed it.

(P.S.  Capitalizing the first letter of each line is discouraged on this site except when sentence structure or proper names demand it.  I personally don't care one way or the other, but fashion here is against it.)

Thank you for the feedback, DukeAlie. Agree with the breakthrough breakdown. Preflight refers to the stage before the girl takes wing and leaves the nest.  Love the idea of moving scorned to the next line. Will definitely incorporate it in the revision.
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