sunburn
#1
Sunburn

 
the sun seems to weigh a ton
but I rationally sit down,
as I intend to rise
the levels of melanin in my hide,
and to colour parts of my brain
where melatonin was drained.
 
Surprised by the touch of a breeze,
gently whispering and cooling the heat
on this almost depigmented skin,
(feels good) I think,
it could turn somewhat red
and then it might shed.



Sunburn                                                (1st edit, please don´t throw me out for that, I blame it to some heat stroke)

the sun weighs a Billyon tons
but I rationally sit down,
..and so on..

 




Sunburn                                                                     (2nd edit, thanks to billy)

 
The sunlight is weighing a ton
but I rationally sit down,
you see, I´m intending to raise
the level of melanin in my hide,
to colour those parts of my brain
where melatonin has been drained.

Surprised by the touch of a breeze,
gently whispering and cooling the heat
on this dry and depigmented skin,
(feels good) I think
it should turn a bright red
and then it might shed.








mainly I hope for responses wether and what kind of meaning can be drawn from this, but any type of comment is appreciated including harsh critique, pointing out embarrassing spelling or grammar errors, jokes, deviations from topic and surreal associations.
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#2
i enjoyed it because of the subject matter, that said you have lots of room to improve it if you wish. sometimes less is more, i think some work could also be done on the second stanza.

(06-03-2017, 06:55 AM)vagabond Wrote:  Sunburn


the sun seems to weigh a ton an understatement why not go big [weighs a gazillion tons] or something else. no need for like
but I rationally sit down,
as I intend to rise and might be better than as, raise may be better than rise
the levels of melanin in my hide,
and to colour parts of my brain no need for and
where melatonin was drained. is drained...or dead, or something stronger

Surprised by the touch of a breeze,
gently whispering and cooling the heat
on this almost depigmented skin,
(feels good) I think,
it could turn somewhat red
and then it might shed.
Reply
#3
(06-03-2017, 10:27 AM)billy Wrote:  i enjoyed it because of the subject matter, that said you have lots of room to improve it if you wish. sometimes less is more, i think some work could also be done on the second stanza.

(06-03-2017, 06:55 AM)vagabond Wrote:  Sunburn


the sun seems to weigh a ton an understatement why not go big [weighs a gazillion tons] or something else. no need for like
but I rationally sit down,
as I intend to rise and might be better than as, raise may be better than rise    it was intended to create a paradox with the previous line , but I didn´t know if the use of "rise" sounds awkward, so: thanks, I ll consider!
the levels of melanin in my hide,
and to colour parts of my brain no need for and   the word`ll go in the edit (which I intend to do)
where melatonin was drained. is drained...or dead, or something stronger     was not happy with that line myself

Surprised by the touch of a breeze,
gently whispering and cooling the heat
on this almost depigmented skin,
(feels good) I think,
it could turn somewhat red
and then it might shed.

thanks for commenting, billy
Reply
#4
Rainbow 
Hey Vagabond, 

I like the lines surrounding melanin/melatonin and the sun affecting the pigmentation of the skin. I think the poem might affect me slightly more if you went into more detail r.e the physical changes the skin is undergoing, as for me there is potential for a lot of harsh/almost uncomfortable imagery (maybe because of your use of the word 'hide'), but perhaps you want the idea of the sun on the skin to be more gentle? I think that if you want to narrow the reader's interpretation it might be good to specify how the sun is is doing what it's doing in the poem, e.g is it blistering/permeating etc or is it kissing/brushing the skin? You might like the ambiguity that is already present, however, in which case ignore me! 

I also think that the last line could benefit rhythmically from an added word/syllable. 

Smile
Reply
#5
(06-07-2017, 04:18 AM)elleblack Wrote:  Hey Vagabond, 

I like the lines surrounding melanin/melatonin and the sun affecting the pigmentation of the skin. I think the poem might affect me slightly more if you went into more detail r.e the physical changes the skin is undergoing, as for me there is potential for a lot of harsh/almost uncomfortable imagery (maybe because of your use of the word 'hide'), but perhaps you want the idea of the sun on the skin to be more gentle? I think that if you want to narrow the reader's interpretation it might be good to specify how the sun is is doing what it's doing in the poem, e.g is it blistering/permeating etc or is it kissing/brushing the skin? You might like the ambiguity that is already present, however, in which case ignore me! 

I also think that the last line could benefit rhythmically from an added word/syllable. 

Smile

thanks for commenting, I ll consider more details.
you were right about the ambiguity.
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