Wasp Moth
#1

Wasp Moth


Though you wear
a shark skinned suit,
you're my friend.

You won't bite
or leave a mark,
only tickle.
 
Black ferns
dipped in auburn
line your brow;

plush velvet,
royal crimson lace
(you sometimes wear
only as a cape)

takes you
from favored nectar,
right here to me.

Trapped between
screen and window,

I gently help you
get free,
scooping you away

with a slotted spoon
borrowed from
a stranger's drawer.






ORIGINAL:


Spotted Oleander
(A Wasp Moth)


Though you wear
a shark skinned suit,
peppered,
you are my friend.

You won't bite
or leave a mark,
only tickle.
 
Black ferns
dipped in auburn
make up your brow;

plush velvet,
royal crimson lace
(you sometimes wear
only as a cape)

takes you
from favored nectar,
right here to me.

Trapped between
screen and window,

I gently help you
get free,
scooping you away

with the large slotted
plastic spoon
I borrowed from
a stranger's drawer.
Janine Burke
there's always a better reason to love

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#2
(05-08-2017, 04:28 AM)nibbed Wrote:  Spotted Oleander
(A Wasp Moth)


Though you wear
a shark skinned suit,
peppered,           I don´t know if that line´s necessary, if it is I´d unite it with the next line
you are my friend.       “you´re my friend” ? (for rhythm) 

You won't bite
or leave a mark,
only tickle.                (so that´s why he was saved later?)
 
Black ferns
dipped in auburn
make up your brow;    maybe “line your brow” or something to keep the flow

plush velvet,
royal crimson lace
(you sometimes wear     “if only worn as cape”  and it would fit in 1 line
only as a cape)

takes you                   maybe you have some image to add in that short line..
from favored nectar,
right here to me.

Trapped between
screen and window,

I gently help you
get free,
scooping you away    those two stanzas (from “trapped” to “away”) I´d try to combine to one of 3 or 4 lines

with the large slotted
plastic spoon
I borrowed from
a stranger's drawer.      this stanza seems to convey the poem´s meaning but not to me.


hope some of that could be useful :-)
Reply
#3
(06-03-2017, 12:36 AM)vagabond Wrote:  
(05-08-2017, 04:28 AM)nibbed Wrote:  Spotted Oleander
(A Wasp Moth)


Though you wear
a shark skinned suit,
peppered,           I don´t know if that line´s necessary, if it is I´d unite it with the next line
you are my friend.       “you´re my friend” ? (for rhythm) 

You won't bite
or leave a mark,
only tickle.                (so that´s why he was saved later?)
 
Black ferns
dipped in auburn
make up your brow;    maybe “line your brow” or something to keep the flow

plush velvet,
royal crimson lace
(you sometimes wear     “if only worn as cape”  and it would fit in 1 line
only as a cape)

takes you                   maybe you have some image to add in that short line..
from favored nectar,
right here to me.

Trapped between
screen and window,

I gently help you
get free,
scooping you away    those two stanzas (from “trapped” to “away”) I´d try to combine to one of 3 or 4 lines

with the large slotted
plastic spoon
I borrowed from
a stranger's drawer.      this stanza seems to convey the poem´s meaning but not to me.


hope some of that could be useful :-)



Hi Vagabond. I agree with most your notations. Thank you for critiquing. It was an observation poem. I got really excited (a little afraid) when I saw the wasp moth on a doorwall where I was staying. He seemeded threatening at first, but then when I really started looking at him, he was, well, gentle and not frightening at all...he was just a moth, no stinger! I will use many your suggestions for my revision. THANK YOU
Janine Burke
there's always a better reason to love

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