The New Paranoia

[71degrees]

Original

The emails I’ve been receiving
lately are so disturbing to me:

strangers asking me
about the size of my penis,
my stamina,

wondering
about my lady,
if she is satisfied.

Who are these
people?

How are they
privy to these things?

And where were they
that first time I was alone
with Sherri Longfellow
when I went home out of breath
and she was witness
to all those stains
of embarrassment?


Edit #1

Certain emails I’ve been receiving
lately disturb me.

Strangers ask about the size
of my penis, my stamina,
wondering about my lady,
if she is satisfied.

Who are these people
and how do they know
these things?

Where were they the first time
I was alone with Sherri Longfellow
when I went home breathless
and she was witness to all
those embarrassing stains?

[Donald Q.]

The emails I’ve been receiving
lately are so disturbing to me: I think this line would have a nice flow if it was just 'lately are disturbing me'

strangers asking me  perhaps don't repeat 'me'? 
about the size of my penis,
my stamina,

wondering
about my lady,
if she is satisfied.  

Who are these
people?

How are they
privy to these things?    Both this stanza and the two before it don't need their line breaks, or even to be three individual stanzas, makes the middle too long.

And where were they
that first time I was alone
with Sherri Longfellow
when I went home out of breath
and she was witness
to all those stains
of embarrassment?  really like this last stanza, takes the poem from a gimmick to something personal 

Began a bit skeptical but i think you've got something good here which only needs a few adjustments; a bit of wry humor mixed with embarrassment and regret is a nice mix!

[GoingGently]

I like the staccato in the short lines. You bring up subjects that make you think, "oh!" to yourself.

The way I read the poem it seemed anxious, in a good way.

I would try to exploit this feeling, make the reader feel the way the writer felt with miss Longfellow.

[71degrees]

The emails I’ve been receiving
lately are so disturbing to me: I think this line would have a nice flow if it was just 'lately are disturbing me'

strangers asking me  perhaps don't repeat 'me'? 
about the size of my penis,
my stamina,

wondering
about my lady,
if she is satisfied.  

Who are these
people?

How are they
privy to these things?    Both this stanza and the two before it don't need their line breaks, or even to be three individual stanzas, makes the middle too long.

And where were they
that first time I was alone
with Sherri Longfellow
when I went home out of breath
and she was witness
to all those stains
of embarrassment?  really like this last stanza, takes the poem from a gimmick to something personal 

Began a bit skeptical but i think you've got something good here which only needs a few adjustments; a bit of wry humor mixed with embarrassment and regret is a nice mix!

I like your first two edits very much. Thank you. Would take issue with the "gimmick" comment so am pleased you like the ending that steers a reader a bit more to reality. Appreciate all your comments. Thank you.

---

I like the staccato in the short lines. You bring up subjects that make you think, "oh!" to yourself.

The way I read the poem it seemed anxious, in a good way.

I would try to exploit this feeling, make the reader feel the way the writer felt with miss Longfellow.

Thank you for your comments.

[RiverNotch]

The emails I’ve been receiving First time critiquing on phone! fuck, hard.
lately are so disturbing to me: are so disturbing to me sounds awkward.

strangers asking me
about the size of my penis,
my stamina, mmm penis imagery

wondering
about my lady,i keep thinking "wondering / about my lady, / asking me if she is satisfied." the whole stanza doesn't really feel as natural as the others, in terms of breath
if she is satisfied.

Who are these
people?

How are they
privy to these things?

And where were they
that first time I was alone
with Sherri Longfellow
when I went home out of breath
and she was witness
to all those stains stains of embarrassment sounds proverbial -- i would not divide it so. and the breath of earlier lines, too, supports fusing them lines -- and stains and embarrassment as end words does feel kinda redundant.
of embarrassment?
overall, lovely, though not the kind of image focused poem im currently recommending myself. but again, has its place -- lovely.

[just mercedes]

Hi - I like the short lines, they add a sense of urgency to your poem. I really like where you went. I think you can trim it a bit more, by making active some of the passive i.e. she witnessed - active, she was witness to - passive

The emails I’ve been receiving
lately are so disturbing to me: or just 'disturb me'

strangers asking me
about the size of my penis,
my stamina,

wondering
about my lady,
if she is satisfied.

Who are these
people?

How are they
privy to these things?

And where were they
that first time I was alone
with Sherri Longfellow
when I went home out of breath (breathless?)
and she was witness (witnessed?)
to all those stains
of embarrassment? (those embarrassing stains?)

[71degrees]

Hi - I like the short lines, they add a sense of urgency to your poem. I really like where you went. I think you can trim it a bit more, by making active some of the passive i.e. she witnessed - active, she was witness to - passive

The emails I’ve been receiving
lately are so disturbing to me: or just 'disturb me'

strangers asking me
about the size of my penis,
my stamina,

wondering
about my lady,
if she is satisfied.

Who are these
people?

How are they
privy to these things?

And where were they
that first time I was alone
with Sherri Longfellow
when I went home out of breath (breathless?)
and she was witness (witnessed?)
to all those stains
of embarrassment? (those embarrassing stains?)

Yes. Thank you.

[71degrees]

Edit #1

Certain emails I’ve been receiving
lately disturb me.

Strangers ask about the size
of my penis, my stamina,
wondering about my lady,
if she is satisfied.

Who are these people
and how do they know
these things?

Where were they the first time
I was alone with Sherri Longfellow
when I went home breathless
and she was witness to all
those embarrassing stains?

Appreciate ALL comments so far. Thanks.

[Lizzie]

Edit #1

Certain emails I’ve been receiving
lately disturb me.

Strangers ask about the size
of my penis, my stamina,
wondering about my lady,
if she is satisfied.

Who are these people
and how do they know
these things?  -- I'd leave off these last two words. I don't think they work to clarify anything, and the mystery of leaving them off is nice -- goes with your theme of paranoia.

Where were they the first time
I was alone with Sherri Longfellow -- I'd put a comma at the end of this line
when I went home breathless
and she was witness to all
those embarrassing stains? -- Ok, so good stuff here. What is needed here is some stronger verbs. You have 'was alone', 'went home', and these could have much more action or tension. Evocative verbs like 'I romanced Sherri Longfellow,' or, 'I slinked home' will serve you much better.

Also, you have her response (was witness) in the passive voice which doesn't suit in my opinion, because that character was an active witness to the speaker's story. So, maybe you could say something like, 'she gasped when she saw those embarrassing stains." Even just using 'and she witnessed all those embarrassing stains' would be better than the passive, I think.

But, otherwise, the revision is much tighter and easier to read. Well done

[heslopian]

This is a response to the first edit of the poem. It's a nice little bit of comic verse, elegantly structured, amusing (I laughed), and relate-able in its depiction of the pathetic teenage-male experience, remembered as an adult swamped with junk mail. Thank you for the read. - Jack xxx

[71degrees]

Edit #1

Certain emails I’ve been receiving
lately disturb me.

Strangers ask about the size
of my penis, my stamina,
wondering about my lady,
if she is satisfied.

Who are these people
and how do they know
these things?  -- I'd leave off these last two words. I don't think they work to clarify anything, and the mystery of leaving them off is nice -- goes with your theme of paranoia.

Where were they the first time
I was alone with Sherri Longfellow -- I'd put a comma at the end of this line
when I went home breathless
and she was witness to all
those embarrassing stains? -- Ok, so good stuff here. What is needed here is some stronger verbs. You have 'was alone', 'went home', and these could have much more action or tension. Evocative verbs like 'I romanced Sherri Longfellow,' or, 'I slinked home' will serve you much better.

Also, you have her response (was witness) in the passive voice which doesn't suit in my opinion, because that character was an active witness to the speaker's story. So, maybe you could say something like, 'she gasped when she saw those embarrassing stains." Even just using 'and she witnessed all those embarrassing stains' would be better than the passive, I think.

But, otherwise, the revision is much tighter and easier to read. Well done

Like the comments about "passive" voice, lizziep. Thank you. Will take a hard look here.

---

This is a response to the first edit of the poem. It's a nice little bit of comic verse, elegantly structured, amusing (I laughed), and relate-able in its depiction of the pathetic teenage-male experience, remembered as an adult swamped with junk mail. Thank you for the read. - Jack xxx

You're welcome. Thanks for commenting.

[QDeathstar]

This is a good (entertaining) poem. The context seems so obvious I'm surprised it hasn't popped up before now. Quite enjoyable. I just think that the lines

And where were they
that first time I was alone

read abit awkward the repetition of where were they that is a difficult sequence in the middle of a line break, I think, I think that entire last stanza could use a bit of a rework to make it flow better, like the first part does. I agree about cutting "these things"

Original

The emails I’ve been receiving
lately are so disturbing to me:

strangers asking me
about the size of my penis,
my stamina,

wondering
about my lady,
if she is satisfied.

Who are these
people?

How are they
privy to these things?

And where were they
that first time I was alone
with Sherri Longfellow
when I went home out of breath
and she was witness
to all those stains
of embarrassment?


Edit #1

Certain emails I’ve been receiving
lately disturb me.

Strangers ask about the size
of my penis, my stamina,
wondering about my lady,
if she is satisfied.

Who are these people
and how do they know
these things?

Where were they the first time
I was alone with Sherri Longfellow
when I went home breathless
and she was witness to all
those embarrassing stains?

[Achebe]

I don't have anything worthwhile to suggest. I'll just tell you why I like it.
The pauses are wonderful

Original

The emails I’ve been receiving
lately are so disturbing to me: ...I love the pause on 'receiving', it creates a sense of incompleteness, irks the reader's curiosity, and leads on to the next line breathelessly.
strangers asking me ...what are they asking? what? what? 
about the size of my penis, ...friggin hell
my stamina, ...how do they know all this?..??

wondering ...yes, I would be...
about my lady, .. O fuck...you meant, the strangers are wondering about your lady? Dirty and unsafe, the internet
if she is satisfied. ...bastards

Who are these ...bastards?
people? ...Oh, I didn't expect to hear that

How are they ...how are they doing?
privy to these things? ...exactly what I asked

And where were they
that first time I was alone
with Sherri Longfellow
when I went home out of breath
and she was witness
to all those stains
of embarrassment? ...nice little vignette


Edit #1

Certain emails I’ve been receiving
lately disturb me.

Strangers ask about the size
of my penis, my stamina,
wondering about my lady,
if she is satisfied.

Who are these people
and how do they know
these things?

Where were they the first time
I was alone with Sherri Longfellow
when I went home breathless
and she was witness to all
those embarrassing stains?

[71degrees]

This is a good (entertaining) poem. The context seems so obvious I'm surprised it hasn't popped up before now. Quite enjoyable. I just think that the lines

And where were they
that first time I was alone

read abit awkward the repetition of where were they that is a difficult sequence in the middle of a line break, I think, I think that entire last stanza could use a bit of a rework to make it flow better, like the first part does. I agree about cutting "these things"

Original

The emails I’ve been receiving
lately are so disturbing to me:

strangers asking me
about the size of my penis,
my stamina,

wondering
about my lady,
if she is satisfied.

Who are these
people?

How are they
privy to these things?

And where were they
that first time I was alone
with Sherri Longfellow
when I went home out of breath
and she was witness
to all those stains
of embarrassment?


Edit #1

Certain emails I’ve been receiving
lately disturb me.

Strangers ask about the size
of my penis, my stamina,
wondering about my lady,
if she is satisfied.

Who are these people
and how do they know
these things?

Where were they the first time
I was alone with Sherri Longfellow
when I went home breathless
and she was witness to all
those embarrassing stains?

Good comments / suggestion. Thank you.

---

This is a good (entertaining) poem. The context seems so obvious I'm surprised it hasn't popped up before now. Quite enjoyable. I just think that the lines

And where were they
that first time I was alone

read abit awkward the repetition of where were they that is a difficult sequence in the middle of a line break, I think, I think that entire last stanza could use a bit of a rework to make it flow better, like the first part does. I agree about cutting "these things"

Original

The emails I’ve been receiving
lately are so disturbing to me:

strangers asking me
about the size of my penis,
my stamina,

wondering
about my lady,
if she is satisfied.

Who are these
people?

How are they
privy to these things?

And where were they
that first time I was alone
with Sherri Longfellow
when I went home out of breath
and she was witness
to all those stains
of embarrassment?


Edit #1

Certain emails I’ve been receiving
lately disturb me.

Strangers ask about the size
of my penis, my stamina,
wondering about my lady,
if she is satisfied.

Who are these people
and how do they know
these things?

Where were they the first time
I was alone with Sherri Longfellow
when I went home breathless
and she was witness to all
those embarrassing stains?

Telling what you like about a poem instead of what you don't like....nice. Am glad the poem works for you. And slipping in some suggestions that I like? Even better. Thanks for your time here.

[JSquareVlogs]

I actually feel that the edit is really strong and tightened up the 'punchiness' of the lines. With that being said, the only point at which I feel there could still be a little clarification is in the 3rd stanza. "How do they know these things" somehow implies that they already know the unstated fact that there are perhaps problems. The lines before it don't necessarily give the reader that impression (before reading the 4th stanza)... so maybe finding a way to intimate the unspoken concerns or fears could help smooth out the momentary bump in the reader's understanding of those lines.

This truly is a wonderful piece. One of my favorite styles of writing, and a very unique take on the topic of relationship concerns by melding past and present experiences.

Regards,
JJ

[71degrees]

I actually feel that the edit is really strong and tightened up the 'punchiness' of the lines. With that being said, the only point at which I feel there could still be a little clarification is in the 3rd stanza. "How do they know these things" somehow implies that they already know the unstated fact that there are perhaps problems. The lines before it don't necessarily give the reader that impression (before reading the 4th stanza)... so maybe finding a way to intimate the unspoken concerns or fears could help smooth out the momentary bump in the reader's understanding of those lines.

This truly is a wonderful piece. One of my favorite styles of writing, and a very unique take on the topic of relationship concerns by melding past and present experiences.

Regards,
JJ

Going through some of my old stuff and saw this, JJ. Apologies for not answering and your critique / suggestions are muchly appreciated. Not even sure you're still around, but thanks all the same.

[brynmawr1]

Original

The emails I’ve been receiving
lately are so disturbing to me:

strangers asking me
about the size of my penis,
my stamina,

wondering
about my lady,
if she is satisfied.          is she satisfied.

Who are these
people?
                                            I think you could cut these.  The questions are implicit in the next stanza
How are they
privy to these things?

And where were they
that first time I was alone
with Sherri Longfellow
when I went home out of breath
and she was witness
to all those stains
of embarrassment?


Edit #1

Certain emails I’ve been receiving
lately disturb me.

Strangers ask about the size
of my penis, my stamina,
wondering about my lady,
if she is satisfied.

Who are these people
and how do they know
these things?

Where were they the first time
I was alone with Sherri Longfellow
when I went home breathless
and she was witness to all
those embarrassing stains?

Hi 71

I enjoyed this.  Made a few suggestions.
Thanks for sharing
Bryn

[71degrees]

Thanks for looking. Glad you enjoyed. I agree w/the me & the privy line.