The Green Jackets are coming
#1
Edit 1
The park tunnel was long enough
to lose peripheral vision,
it dripped even in dry weather.
I would sit in the shadows,
watch kids run like bumper cars
sparking fear onto blackened bricks.

I was learning.

A test for the playground huddle.
Have you heard?
when we leave at four the Green Jackets
will be by the bridge before the park,
it's winter, it's dark.
There was this girl walking home,
on her own.
They jumped her.
“What did they do, what did they do?”
They stripped her and carved Green Jackets
on her back with a razor blade.

Children spun like sycamore seeds,
coats twirling held by hoods,
a tribal chant began.

The Green Jackets are coming,
the Green Jackets are coming,

Through every class room,
the story fell like dominoes,
tears were beating snot bubbles to lips.
By home time the police where there
guiding the panic
through school gates

I have grown.

I see you,
vulnerable behind your screens,
I sell you God in the morning
and whiten your smile in the afternoon,
control any gullible fool who's willing to believe,
the Green Jackets are on their way.




Original
The park tunnel was long enough
to lose peripheral vision,
it dripped even in dry weather.
Sometimes I would sit in the shadows
watching kids run like bumper cars
sparking fear onto blackened bricks.

I was learning.

A test for the playground huddle.
Have you heard?
when we leave at four the Green Jackets
will be waiting by the bridge before the park,
its winter, it will be dark.
There was this girl walking home,
on her own.
Four of them jumped her.
“What did they do, what did they do?”
They stripped her and carved Green Jackets
on her back with a razor blade.

Children spun like sycamore seeds,
their coats twirling held only by the hoods,
a tribal chant began.

The Green Jackets are coming,
the Green Jackets are coming,
the Green Jackets are coming.

Through every class room at every age,
the story spread like falling dominoes,
tears where beating snot bubbles to lips.
By four o’clock the police where there
guiding panic stricken animals
through school gates that creaked
with laughter in the wind.

I have grown.

You're weak, needy and vulnerable,
safe behind your screens,
pickings for someone as well schooled as me
in telling you what to dream.
Reaching out down copper wires,
I can listen through a billion phones,
watch you through your webcam
uncensored, unchecked and uncontained.
I can sell you God in the morning
and whiten your smile in the afternoon,
I can make you drool.
control any gullible fool who still believes,
the Green Jackets are on their way.


If your undies fer you've been smoking through em, don't peg em out
Reply
#2
Keith,

"tears where beating snot bubbles to lips" classic line, great image.
"Children spun like sycamore seeds" another great image.

Excellent use of ambiguity; Were the "Green Jackets" real or just an urban legend. Adds great tension to the poem. The ending of course gives it away, but there is no other way to make your point, if not I would have liked it to stay ambiguous.
Well written with an archetypal metaphor, as it could be applied to many situations. The only negative I have, and it is not a strong one, is that technically, some parts are a little wordy, but not the extent that it disrupts the reading.

Dale

Have you read the following article?

phony cell phone towers
How long after picking up the brush, the first masterpiece?

The goal is not to obfuscate that which is clear, but make clear that which isn't.
Reply
#3
(09-08-2014, 10:39 AM)Erthona Wrote:  Keith,

"tears where beating snot bubbles to lips" classic line, great image.
"Children spun like sycamore seeds" another great image.

Excellent use of ambiguity; Were the "Green Jackets" real or just an urban legend. Adds great tension to the poem. The ending of course gives it away, but there is no other way to make your point, if not I would have liked it to stay ambiguous.
Well written with an archetypal metaphor, as it could be applied to many situations.  The only negative I have, and it is not a strong one, is that technically, some parts are a little wordy, but not the extent that it disrupts the reading.

Dale  

Have you read the following article?

Thank you Dale for the concidered reply, I wasn't sure about outing the ambiguity, but as you say I didn't leave myself with much choice. I have trimed some of the fat you mention with quick edit but will keep looking to sharpen the message. Thanks Keith

phony cell phone towers

If your undies fer you've been smoking through em, don't peg em out
Reply
#4
Edited an old one as too wordy as per dales comments

If your undies fer you've been smoking through em, don't peg em out
Reply
#5
(09-08-2014, 07:20 AM)Keith Wrote:  The park tunnel was long enough
to lose peripheral vision,
it dripped even in dry weather.
I would sit in the shadows,
watch kids run like bumper cars
sparking fear onto blackened bricks.        

I was learning.                                                      

A test for the playground huddle.
Have you heard?
when we leave at four the Green Jackets
will be by the bridge before the park,
it's winter, it's dark.
There was this girl walking home,
on her own.
Four of them jumped her.
“What did they do, what did they do?”
They stripped her and carved Green Jackets
on her back with a razor blade.

Children spun like sycamore seeds,
coats twirling held by hoods,
a tribal chant began.

The Green Jackets are coming,
the Green Jackets are coming,

Through every class room,
the story fell like dominoes,                          "fell like dominoes" has several layers in my read
tears beat snot bubbles to lips.           a very visual line
By four o’clock the police where there             they are really punctual .. and "four" again, the fourth time if i count the phonetic simile .. i´m beginning to consider "conspiracy theories" : )
guiding the panic
through school gates

I have grown.               

I see you,
vulnerable behind your screens,
I sell you God in the morning
and whiten your smile in the afternoon,              this is a great line, an inventive way to put it
control any gullible fool who's willing to believe,
the Green Jackets are on their way.

i like how you show mechanisms in that playground story.
the last stanza is perfect: not quite tangible and still hitting the point.
...
Reply
#6
The park tunnel was long enough
to lose peripheral vision,
it dripped even in dry weather.
I would sit in the shadows,
watch kids run like bumper cars
sparking fear onto blackened bricks.

I was learning.

A test for the playground huddle.
Have you heard?
when we leave at four the Green Jackets
will be by the bridge before the park,
it's winter, it's dark.
There was this girl walking home,
on her own.
Four of them jumped her.
“What did they do, what did they do?”
They stripped her and carved Green Jackets
on her back with a razor blade.

Children spun like sycamore seeds,
coats twirling held by hoods,
a tribal chant began.

The Green Jackets are coming,                                      maybe italicize, better quotations?
the Green Jackets are coming,

Through every class room,
the story fell like dominoes,
tears beat snot bubbles to lips.
By four o’clock the police where there
guiding the panic
through school gates

I have grown.

I see you,
vulnerable behind your screens,
I sell you God in the morning
and whiten your smile in the afternoon,
control any gullible fool who's willing to believe,
the Green Jackets are on their way.


I'm glad you hid the original in the spoiler. Maybe just crumple it up and toss it away from any influence because the way it is written now is magical in that it can fit the reader as a multi-faceted metaphor in so many circumstances of life. The number four was befitting to me though the scene of green jacket hoods was lovely parody to the situation I fit it to for myself, personally, even though after several reads I am sure it was never your intent because you cannot know me or any personal situations I am facing. Why there's not a book of Keith poems making the best seller list, I do not know. It does sound a bit hurt or maybe the pen has found a fury, I am sorry if the speaker or author has been hurt by the green jackets, but I appreciate the flow given revealing such a wonderful gift of writing.

-nibbed
there's always a better reason to love
Reply
#7
(09-08-2014, 07:20 AM)Keith Wrote:  Edit 1
The park tunnel was long enough
to lose peripheral vision,
it dripped even in dry weather.
I would sit in the shadows,
watch kids run like bumper cars
sparking fear onto blackened bricks. Nice. Bleak imagery.


I was learning.


A test for the playground huddle.
Have you heard?
when we leave at four the Green Jackets
will be by the bridge before the park,
it's winter, it's dark.
There was this girl walking home,
on her own. So you got this rhyme thing here that is unique and doesn't happen anywhere else, so I colored it.
They jumped her.
“What did they do, what did they do?” You punctuate this quotation here, but not later.
They stripped her and carved Green Jackets
on her back with a razor blade.


Children spun like sycamore seeds,
coats twirling held by hoods, Beautiful.
a tribal chant began.
I would consider joining these stanzas. But maybe you wanted to emphasize the quote more.


The Green Jackets are coming,
the Green Jackets are coming, I agree that italics or punctuation would be good, not just for clarity, but tone.


Through every class room,
the story fell like dominoes, This comes off very dramatic, befitting the story itself.
tears were beating snot bubbles to lips. Gross but good.
By home time the police where there I liked four o'clock better. It is still ambiguous whether the police were there as a result of the story being circulated, or arrived at home-time every day. It is unclear whether these events are normal or significant.
guiding the panic - Plus, this line can be interpreted as either the apparent chaos of children flooding out of school normally, or that the children were truly terrified, needing to be shepherded out.
through school gates
Were the police there because of a girl attacked in the park? to quell a gruesome rumor? to calm upset parents? or simply guide leaving traffic? It's unclear but in this case I consider it a strength.


I have grown.


I see you,
vulnerable behind your screens, Along with 'whiten your smile' I imagine being watched through my bathroom mirror. Lying to themselves?
I sell you God in the morning
and whiten your smile in the afternoon,
control any gullible fool who's willing to believe, This line spoils it for me. We're meant to wonder if the green jackets were real, an omission you seem to play on. Not opposed to this reveal, but the execution, particularly this line and arguably the last, leave the wrong aftertaste for a poem that has so much impact up until this point.
the Green Jackets are on their way.
This last stanza let's the cat out of the bag in a way that is less emphatic and intense as the rest of the piece. We're meant to wonder if the green jackets were real, an omission you seem to play on. I'm not necessarily opposed to the “reveal” itself but maybe the execution.
 Excuse me, I know that's alot  Tongue I look forward to seeing where you go with this, as I certainly enjoyed the read.



Original
The park tunnel was long enough
to lose peripheral vision,
it dripped even in dry weather.
Sometimes I would sit in the shadows
watching kids run like bumper cars
sparking fear onto blackened bricks.

I was learning.

A test for the playground huddle.
Have you heard?
when we leave at four the Green Jackets
will be waiting by the bridge before the park,
its winter, it will be dark.
There was this girl walking home,
on her own.
Four of them jumped her.
“What did they do, what did they do?”
They stripped her and carved Green Jackets
on her back with a razor blade.

Children spun like sycamore seeds,
their coats twirling held only by the hoods,
a tribal chant began.

The Green Jackets are coming,
the Green Jackets are coming,
the Green Jackets are coming.

Through every class room at every age,
the story spread like falling dominoes,
tears where beating snot bubbles to lips.
By four o’clock the police where there
guiding panic stricken animals
through school gates that creaked
with laughter in the wind.

I have grown.

You're weak, needy and vulnerable,
safe behind your screens,
pickings for someone as well schooled as me
in telling you what to dream.
Reaching out down copper wires,
I can listen through a billion phones,
watch you through your webcam
uncensored, unchecked and uncontained.
I can sell you God in the morning
and whiten your smile in the afternoon,
I can make you drool.
control any gullible fool who still believes,
the Green Jackets are on their way.

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