Day Break edit 1.0 billy, qdeath

[tectak]

Edit 1.0

If ever Winter's breath squeezed in-between us
(we were closer than a Rizla wrapped round weed)
it was to freeze the answer in your eyes.
I had to ask but read the signs as silver hit the floor;
my cold, symbolic, sassy bitch, I could not love you more.

I watched your toke smoke snake up to the ceiling,
in coriolis chaos over us.
I recalled the twisted roads we'd crawled to get here,
and knew we'd leave the same way we had come.

Words killed me once ketotic fumes of passion, panted out
from lips still hot with blood, blew clear.
So a dollar for the maid who thought she'd made it;

the card hung on the door said "Not today".
It's funny how a room can make you think you know your mind

just because you're in it and no one knows or cares you're there...

tectak
remembering 1966 in bits




original
If ever winter's breath squeezed in, between our skins--
and we were closer than a Rizla wrapped round weed--
it was to freeze the answer in your eyes. I had to ask
but knew the signs before the silver hit the floor.
You waited 'til ketotic fumes of passion, panted out from lips
still hot with blood, blew clear. My sodden toke smoke snaked
up to the ceiling, to break in coriolis chaos on the way;
just like the twisted roads we crawled to get here,
and we would leave the same way we had come.
A dollar for the maid who thought she'd made it;
the card hung on the door said "Not today".
It's funny how a room can make you think you know your mind
just because your in it and no one knows or cares your there...

tectak
remembering 1966 in bits

[QDeathstar]

If ever winter's breath squeezed in, between our skins-- I liked the "ever winter" sound and sway, but found "between our skins" odd. Our skin?
and we were closer than a Rizla wrapped round weed--
it was to freeze the answer in your eyes. I had to ask
but knew the signs before the silver hit the floor. awe, how sad? It took me a few times to get what this was saying... million fish in the sea tectak...
You waited 'til ketotic fumes of passion, panted out from lips
still hot with blood, blew clear. My sodden toke smoke snaked sodden toke smoke snaked is a bit too much for me here, it stands out from the rest of the poem and is distracting. I also found the 'till and 'round contractions distracted. I suppose you only use them to keep the syllables correct...
up to the ceiling, to break in coriolus chaos on the way;
just like the twisted roads we crawled to get here,
and we would leave the same way we had come.
A dollar for the maid who thought she'd made it;
the card hung on the door said "Not today".
It's funny how a room can make you think you know your mind
just because your in it and no one knows or cares your there...I like this part. I read the poem as that the speaker is asking his girl to get married, but she says no "silver [ring?] hit the floor"... the maids "not today" sign is also a melancholy rejection...

tectak
remembering 1966 in bits

[billy]

the -- don' work for me, especially as they're both in the first two lines. (they distracted me enough to wish the first one didn't exist).

i know you like wordy and i too like your use of a longer style narration but here i think you could lose a small amount and make the rest stand tall.

If ever winter's breath squeezed in, between our skins--
and we were closer than a Rizla wrapped round weed--
it was to freeze the answer in your eyes. I had to ask shouldn't it be [it would be]? or [when winter's.. on the first line].
but knew the signs before the silver hit the floor. from this i get she's a hooker. not sure if that's what the symbolism is, as i also get a pic of judas
You waited 'til ketotic fumes of passion, panted out from lips is the comma needed?
still hot with blood, blew clear. My sodden toke smoke snaked i like the sonics, the [blew clear] part i struggled wit. i don't think it's need or adds anything.
up to the ceiling, to break in coriolus chaos on the way; is it [coriolis]?
just like the twisted roads we crawled to get here, seldom do we need [just} here is no exception.
and we would leave the same way we had come.
A dollar for the maid who thought she'd made it;
the card hung on the door said "Not today".
It's funny how a room can make you think you know your mind i like how you tie the poem off
just because your in it and no one knows or cares your there...

tectak
remembering 1966 in bits

[tectak]

the -- don' work for me, especially as they're both in the first two lines. (they distracted me enough to wish the first one didn't exist).

i know you like wordy and i too like your use of a longer style narration but here i think you could lose a small amount and make the rest stand tall.

If ever winter's breath squeezed in, between our skins--
and we were closer than a Rizla wrapped round weed--
it was to freeze the answer in your eyes. I had to ask shouldn't it be [it would be]? or [when winter's.. on the first line].
but knew the signs before the silver hit the floor. from this i get she's a hooker. not sure if that's what the symbolism is, as i also get a pic of judas
You waited 'til ketotic fumes of passion, panted out from lips is the comma needed?
still hot with blood, blew clear. My sodden toke smoke snaked i like the sonics, the [blew clear] part i struggled wit. i don't think it's need or adds anything.
up to the ceiling, to break in coriolus chaos on the way; is it [coriolis]?
just like the twisted roads we crawled to get here, seldom do we need [just} here is no exception.
and we would leave the same way we had come.
A dollar for the maid who thought she'd made it;
the card hung on the door said "Not today".
It's funny how a room can make you think you know your mind i like how you tie the poem off
just because your in it and no one knows or cares your there...

tectak
remembering 1966 in bits

Hi billy,
You got more from this than I gave and gave back more than more than you got
I left a line out from the original because I have changed the tense to that old favourite the "I remember when" tense.
Somewhere I have the original but this version is the one I ran with because it was veracity-verse...long term relationship goes wrong and terminates in hotel room whilst in vino veritas amongst other substances. The silver was a ring, as death star deduced. I will edit.Coriolis...good catch. Fungi (gus) season has begun and I am more us than is.
Best,
tectak

[ChristopherSea]

I don’t know if Rizla rolling paper ever made it across the pond, Zig-Zag was all the rage here. The bearded dude in their logo reminds me of Dale.

Ketotic is an interesting choice, most don’t know that a drop in blood sugar is what induces the munchies.

You may have misspelled ‘coriolis.’ However, those opposing spin effects are recalled.

I assume those two ‘your’s in the close are intentional substitutes for ‘you’re,’ but I have missed why you have done so.

An amusing poem, thanks for the ‘flashback’ Tom.

Groovy work /Chris

[tectak]

If ever winter's breath squeezed in, between our skins-- I liked the "ever winter" sound and sway, but found "between our skins" odd. Our skin?
and we were closer than a Rizla wrapped round weed--
it was to freeze the answer in your eyes. I had to ask
but knew the signs before the silver hit the floor. awe, how sad? It took me a few times to get what this was saying... million fish in the sea tectak...
You waited 'til ketotic fumes of passion, panted out from lips
still hot with blood, blew clear. My sodden toke smoke snaked sodden toke smoke snaked is a bit too much for me here, it stands out from the rest of the poem and is distracting. I also found the 'till and 'round contractions distracted. I suppose you only use them to keep the syllables correct...
up to the ceiling, to break in coriolus chaos on the way;
just like the twisted roads we crawled to get here,
and we would leave the same way we had come.
A dollar for the maid who thought she'd made it;
the card hung on the door said "Not today".
It's funny how a room can make you think you know your mind
just because your in it and no one knows or cares your there...I like this part. I read the poem as that the speaker is asking his girl to get married, but she says no "silver [ring?] hit the floor"... the maids "not today" sign is also a melancholy rejection...

tectak
remembering 1966 in bits

Thanks q,
all your crit eaten and regurgitated
You got the ring thing but everbody must or I have failed...billy didn't. See my reply to he.
Young sport, no winners, moved on.
Best,
tectak

---

I don’t know if Rizla rolling paper ever made it across the pond, Zig-Zag was all the rage here. The bearded dude in their logo reminds me of Dale.

Ketotic is an interesting choice, most don’t know that a drop in blood sugar is what induces the munchies.

You may have misspelled ‘coriolis.’ However, those opposing spin effects are recalled.

I assume those two ‘your’s in the close are intentional substitutes for ‘you’re,’ but I have missed why you have done so.

An amusing poem, thanks for the ‘flashback’ Tom.

Groovy work /Chris

Hi Chris,
I'm a bugger for doing this. I READ the piece in to a *doc format with a speech/text convertor then edited in pig-pen. It was an experiment but I corrected the errors you and billy mentioned on-line. They WERE my errors, though
ZAG was much used by an American friend of mine, it imported;he, sadly departed by his own hand.
The edited version 1.0, Iconsider to be as close to the original as I can recall...work that one out!
Best,
tectak

[billy]

i generally associate gold with rings. (personally) though i do have a white gold wedding ring myself. i always see silver as money/coins unless it's made clear.

[ajcohen613]

Edit 1.0

If ever Winter's breath squeezed in-between us
(we were closer than a Rizla wrapped round weed)
it was to freeze the answer in your eyes.
I had to ask but read the signs as silver hit the floor;
my cold, symbolic, sassy bitch, I could not love you more. /I love this line - it's hilarious and sounds great when read aloud.

I watched your toke smoke snake up to the ceiling,
in coriolis chaos over us. / Hmm.. I have a problem with this line in particular. Toke smoke snaking up to the ceiling..fine, but coriolis chaos? Doobie smoke and chaos don't match up for me; all the times "toke smoke" was over my head, there was nothing chaotic about it. Also, since a ceiling is mentioned in the previous line, "over us" doesn't seem necessary.
I recalled the twisted roads we'd crawled to get here,
and knew we'd leave the same way we had come.

Words killed me once ketotic fumes of passion, panted out
from lips still hot with blood, blew clear.
So a dollar for the maid who thought she'd made it;

the card hung on the door said "Not today".
It's funny how a room can make you think you know your mind

just because you're in it and no one knows or cares you're there...

tectak
remembering 1966 in bits

Hope this helps. I really did enjoy what you have here.

[tectak]

Edit 1.0

If ever Winter's breath squeezed in-between us
(we were closer than a Rizla wrapped round weed)
it was to freeze the answer in your eyes.
I had to ask but read the signs as silver hit the floor;
my cold, symbolic, sassy bitch, I could not love you more. /I love this line - it's hilarious and sounds great when read aloud.

I watched your toke smoke snake up to the ceiling,
in coriolis chaos over us. / Hmm.. I have a problem with this line in particular. Toke smoke snaking up to the ceiling..fine, but coriolis chaos? Doobie smoke and chaos don't match up for me; all the times "toke smoke" was over my head, there was nothing chaotic about it. Also, since a ceiling is mentioned in the previous line, "over us" doesn't seem necessary.
I recalled the twisted roads we'd crawled to get here,
and knew we'd leave the same way we had come.

Words killed me once ketotic fumes of passion, panted out
from lips still hot with blood, blew clear.
So a dollar for the maid who thought she'd made it;

the card hung on the door said "Not today".
It's funny how a room can make you think you know your mind

just because you're in it and no one knows or cares you're there...

tectak
remembering 1966 in bits

Hope this helps. I really did enjoy what you have here.

Hello alc and thanks for this.
Just a note, the observation in smoke is not unfamiliar to the chaos club. Smoke rises from a cigarette, in a very still environment, straight up for an indeterminate distance, then breaks in to "turbulent" swirls. The point that it does this seems incalculable as there are so many variables. Prediction, like a weather forecast, is temptingly leant to chaos theory. That is all.
The coriolis effect may well cause smoke to swirl in one rotational direction...as is always the case when influencing forces are so very small but unbalanced. Cyclones/anticyclones...or was the room spinning? I was too subtle with the "YOUR smoke"/" over US". Big ceiling.
Best,
tectak

[billy]

it's getting there. 2nd time round the two words mentioned feel a little alien to the language of the poem

Edit 1.0

If ever Winter's breath squeezed in-between us i much prefer ; [If ever winter's breath squeezed in, between our skins] though without the comma or dashes. for me the first version of the line has more intimacy
(we were closer than a Rizla wrapped round weed)
it was to freeze the answer in your eyes.
I had to ask but read the signs as silver hit the floor; now i know i really do get it, what pissed her off though?
my cold, symbolic, sassy bitch, I could not love you more. good alliteration and i like the personality in the line.

I watched your toke smoke snake up to the ceiling,
in coriolis chaos over us.
I recalled the twisted roads we'd crawled to get here,
and knew we'd leave the same way we had come.

Words killed me once ketotic fumes of passion, panted out been thinking on this and the word [ketotic] feels out of place in the poem, it's not of the language you use elsewhere apart from coriolis which also feels slightly off from the simplicity you have elsewhere
from lips still hot with blood, blew clear.
So a dollar for the maid who thought she'd made it;

the card hung on the door said "Not today".
It's funny how a room can make you think you know your mind

just because you're in it and no one knows or cares you're there...

tectak
remembering 1966 in bits




original
If ever winter's breath squeezed in, between our skins--
and we were closer than a Rizla wrapped round weed--
it was to freeze the answer in your eyes. I had to ask
but knew the signs before the silver hit the floor.
You waited 'til ketotic fumes of passion, panted out from lips
still hot with blood, blew clear. My sodden toke smoke snaked
up to the ceiling, to break in coriolis chaos on the way;
just like the twisted roads we crawled to get here,
and we would leave the same way we had come.
A dollar for the maid who thought she'd made it;
the card hung on the door said "Not today".
It's funny how a room can make you think you know your mind
just because your in it and no one knows or cares your there...

tectak
remembering 1966 in bits

[tectak]

it's getting there. 2nd time round the two words mentioned feel a little alien to the language of the poem

Edit 1.0

If ever Winter's breath squeezed in-between us i much prefer ; [If ever winter's breath squeezed in, between our skins] though without the comma or dashes. for me the first version of the line has more intimacy
(we were closer than a Rizla wrapped round weed)
it was to freeze the answer in your eyes.
I had to ask but read the signs as silver hit the floor; now i know i really do get it, what pissed her off though?
my cold, symbolic, sassy bitch, I could not love you more. good alliteration and i like the personality in the line.

I watched your toke smoke snake up to the ceiling,
in coriolis chaos over us.
I recalled the twisted roads we'd crawled to get here,
and knew we'd leave the same way we had come.

Words killed me once ketotic fumes of passion, panted out been thinking on this and the word [ketotic] feels out of place in the poem, it's not of the language you use elsewhere apart from coriolis which also feels slightly off from the simplicity you have elsewhere
from lips still hot with blood, blew clear.
So a dollar for the maid who thought she'd made it;

the card hung on the door said "Not today".
It's funny how a room can make you think you know your mind

just because you're in it and no one knows or cares you're there...

tectak
remembering 1966 in bits




original
If ever winter's breath squeezed in, between our skins--
and we were closer than a Rizla wrapped round weed--
it was to freeze the answer in your eyes. I had to ask
but knew the signs before the silver hit the floor.
You waited 'til ketotic fumes of passion, panted out from lips
still hot with blood, blew clear. My sodden toke smoke snaked
up to the ceiling, to break in coriolis chaos on the way;
just like the twisted roads we crawled to get here,
and we would leave the same way we had come.
A dollar for the maid who thought she'd made it;
the card hung on the door said "Not today".
It's funny how a room can make you think you know your mind
just because your in it and no one knows or cares your there...

tectak
remembering 1966 in bits

Hi billy,
Thanks for this. I am coming round to your view on coriolis and ketones (pear drops) in breath BUT my recall is often pricked by words I remembered rather than scenes. I have been told by a friend and shrink that this is a known syndrome with a name. I cannot remember the word for someone whose memories are held in words rather than pictures.... but I have it.
Best,
tectak

[ChristopherSea]

"my recall is often pricked by words I remembered rather than scenes. I have been told by a friend and shrink that this is a known syndrome with a name. I cannot remember the word for someone whose memories are held in words rather than pictures...."

Tom, That is called rote memory. Rote memory is using words as opposed to ideas and relationships of mental
concepts, i.e. logical memory. In contrast, logical memory employs schemata via assimilation or mnemonic device.

[tectak]

"my recall is often pricked by words I remembered rather than scenes. I have been told by a friend and shrink that this is a known syndrome with a name. I cannot remember the word for someone whose memories are held in words rather than pictures...."

Tom, That is called rote memory. Rote memory is using words as opposed to ideas and relationships of mental
concepts, i.e. logical memory. In contrast, logical memory employs schemata via assimilation or mnemonic device.

Oh...how could I forget?
Best,
tectak