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#1
Edit 2
Stackable poxy plastic chairs
pretend to be disco seats,
put a comb through your hair,
coloured lights on your feet.

Your suit is tailor made
for the trisomy chromosome
twenty one, never been laid
or gone out on your own.

You bit me as you kissed me
because you need to eat.
With a coke can on your knee
rocking just behind the beat.

A mouth held up by tongue size
frustration that wont mend.
Judgments made around the eyes
yet you still call them friends.

Growth delays a stronger arm
a mind that's mild to maybe
a baby still amongst the calm
you were sent and saved me.

Re-write Edit 1
Stackable poxy plastic chairs
pretend to be disco seats,
put a comb through your hair,
coloured lights on your feet.

Your suit is tailor made
for the trisomy chromosome
twenty one, never been laid
or gone out on your own.

You bit me as you kissed me
because you need to eat.
With a coke can on your knee
rocking just behind the beat.

Teased about that girl friend
and she's up for it alright,
gyrating with your best friend,
it's all kicking off tonight.


Original
I was asked to help the disco,
crisps and drinks to pass,
strong arms to hold
an adult infants rage.

You clapped alone all night,
holding a coke can between
salt and vinegar knees,
rocking just behind the beat.

The large tongue smile broke,
your applause turned frenzied,
she was dancing with Tom,
strong arms helped the disco.

If your undies fer you've been smoking through em, don't peg em out
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#2
(08-21-2013, 09:54 AM)TimeOnMyHands Wrote:  I was asked to help the disco,
crisps and drinks to pass,
strong arms to hold
an adult infants rage. I don't understand this line. Is the grammar correct with infants?

You clapped alone all night,
holding a coke can between
salt and vinegar knees,
rocking just behind the beat.

The large tongue smile broke,
your applause turned frenzied, maybe you don't need "turned" here?
she was dancing with Tom,
strong arms helped the disco.

I like the continuity of the theme. It's nice, carnivalic. Yes I just made that word up.
Balls balls balls balls balls
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#3
(08-21-2013, 09:54 AM)TimeOnMyHands Wrote:  I was asked to help the disco,
crisps and drinks to pass,
strong arms to hold
an adult infants rage. having a hard time knowing the gender of the narrator

You clapped alone all night,
holding a coke can between
salt and vinegar knees,
rocking just behind the beat. classic

The large tongue smile broke,
your applause turned frenzied,
she was dancing with Tom, the the narrator a "she"
strong arms helped the disco.

liked the poem, a short and sweet poem about young disco ruckus
Only one thing is impossible for God: To find any sense in any copyright law on the planet.
--mark twain
Rob Cave
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#4
(08-21-2013, 01:52 PM)newsclippings Wrote:  
(08-21-2013, 09:54 AM)TimeOnMyHands Wrote:  I was asked to help the disco,
crisps and drinks to pass,
strong arms to hold
an adult infants rage. I don't understand this line. Is the grammar correct with infants?

You clapped alone all night,
holding a coke can between
salt and vinegar knees,
rocking just behind the beat.

The large tongue smile broke,
your applause turned frenzied, maybe you don't need "turned" here?
she was dancing with Tom,
strong arms helped the disco.

I like the continuity of the theme. It's nice, carnivalic. Yes I just made that word up.

I like made up words especially when I understand what they mean.Undecided this needs needs a great deal of work I will opt for a re-write rather than answer your question. thanks TOMH

(08-22-2013, 04:25 AM)Bunx Wrote:  
(08-21-2013, 09:54 AM)TimeOnMyHands Wrote:  I was asked to help the disco,
crisps and drinks to pass,
strong arms to hold
an adult infants rage. having a hard time knowing the gender of the narrator

You clapped alone all night,
holding a coke can between
salt and vinegar knees,
rocking just behind the beat. classic

The large tongue smile broke,
your applause turned frenzied,
she was dancing with Tom, the the narrator a "she"
strong arms helped the disco.

liked the poem, a short and sweet poem about young disco ruckus

Hi Bunx the narrator is me (Male) but this needs a huge overhaul so I will go for a major edit thanks for your comments. TOMH

If your undies fer you've been smoking through em, don't peg em out
Reply
#5
Hi TOMH,
much better from the rewrite. (I got very confused in the first one)


(08-21-2013, 09:54 AM)TimeOnMyHands Wrote:  Re-write Edit 1
Stackable poxy plastic chairs Can I just ask did you mean epoxy as in a thermoset plastic material, or were you going for the puny / pathetic nature of the chairs?
pretend to be disco seats,
you even combed your hair,
a glitter balls on your feet. ? need to look at this line it made me stumble over a glitter ball / many glitter balls...and is this some sort of circus act of standing on disco glitter balls...or is it just the shoes are so shiny that the reflection of the glitter balls is seen...or even some referance to got your dance shoes on??? my mind went all over the place. Confused

Your suite is tailor made
for the trisomy chromosome, This stanza really clears the mist of any last confusion in the text and linked into the title light is dawning.
twenty one, never been laid
or gone out on your own.

You bit me as you kissed me Had a bit of a pop up image of one of those teen vampire films moments here.
because we need to eat.
With a coke can on your knee
rocking just behind the beat. I really like this image. Slightly maladroit and not really "with it"

Teased about his girl friend
and she's up for it alright,
gyrating with his best friend,
it's all kicking off tonight. The last stanza is fine but I am wondering if this is because i have read the original and so I'm feeding off the info I have of your thought process here.


Original
I was asked to help the disco,
crisps and drinks to pass,
strong arms to hold
an adult infants rage.

You clapped alone all night,
holding a coke can between
salt and vinegar knees,
rocking just behind the beat.

The large tongue smile broke,
your applause turned frenzied,
she was dancing with Tom,
strong arms helped the disco.

Think this is shaping v nicely. AJ.

Oh - oops sorry I've done it again this is misc section. Confused
Reply
#6
(08-22-2013, 04:24 PM)cidermaid Wrote:  Hi TOMH,
much better from the rewrite. (I got very confused in the first one)


(08-21-2013, 09:54 AM)TimeOnMyHands Wrote:  Re-write Edit 1
Stackable poxy plastic chairs Can I just ask did you mean epoxy as in a thermoset plastic material, or were you going for the puny / pathetic nature of the chairs?
pretend to be disco seats,
you even combed your hair,
a glitter balls on your feet. ? need to look at this line it made me stumble over a glitter ball / many glitter balls...and is this some sort of circus act of standing on disco glitter balls...or is it just the shoes are so shiny that the reflection of the glitter balls is seen...or even some referance to got your dance shoes on??? my mind went all over the place. Confused

Your suite is tailor made
for the trisomy chromosome, This stanza really clears the mist of any last confusion in the text and linked into the title light is dawning.
twenty one, never been laid
or gone out on your own.

You bit me as you kissed me Had a bit of a pop up image of one of those teen vampire films moments here.
because we need to eat.
With a coke can on your knee
rocking just behind the beat. I really like this image. Slightly maladroit and not really "with it"

Teased about his girl friend
and she's up for it alright,
gyrating with his best friend,
it's all kicking off tonight. The last stanza is fine but I am wondering if this is because i have read the original and so I'm feeding off the info I have of your thought process here.


Original
I was asked to help the disco,
crisps and drinks to pass,
strong arms to hold
an adult infants rage.

You clapped alone all night,
holding a coke can between
salt and vinegar knees,
rocking just behind the beat.

The large tongue smile broke,
your applause turned frenzied,
she was dancing with Tom,
strong arms helped the disco.

Think this is shaping v nicely. AJ.

Oh - oops sorry I've done it again this is misc section. Confused

Hi AJ very happy you did it again in misc, I did mean crappy plastic chairs, with the glitter ball I was just trying to give an image of the empty dance floor with reflection moving across feet. Glad you got that this is about my friend who has down's syndrome. I was asked to help at the disco. You have given me plenty to work on so thank you I'll get to it. Best Keith

If your undies fer you've been smoking through em, don't peg em out
Reply
#7
Hope you dont mind me bumping this one its national down syndrome day here in the UK so I thought I would dust this poem and edit

Edit 2
Stackable poxy plastic chairs
pretend to be disco seats,
put a comb through your hair,
coloured lights on your feet.

Your suit is tailor made
for the trisomy chromosome
twenty one, never been laid
or gone out on your own.

You bit me as you kissed me
because you need to eat.
With a coke can on your knee
rocking just behind the beat.

A mouth held up by tongue size
frustration that wont mend.
Judgments made around the eyes
yet you still call them friends.

Growth delays a stronger arm
a mind that's mild to maybe
a baby still amongst the calm
you arrived and saved me.

If your undies fer you've been smoking through em, don't peg em out
Reply
#8
(08-21-2013, 09:54 AM)Keith Wrote:  Stackable poxy plastic chairs   
pretend to be disco seats,
put a comb through your hair,
coloured lights on your feet.      “lights colouring your feet” ? (for sake of rhythm.. )

Your suit is tailor made
for the trisomy chromosome            I´d write “tripled chromosome” or something like that as there is no specific “ the trisomy chromosome”
twenty one, never been laid         
or gone out on your own.

You bit me as you kissed me
because you need to eat.             it´s good to provide understanding in this line (in my view)
With a coke can on your knee
rocking just behind the beat.

A mouth held up by tongue size
frustration that wont mend.
Judgments made around the eyes
yet you still call them friends.        I´m not sure but as you mentioned frustration before it would seem as if the person with down-syndrom would somehow act his friendliness (is that even possible?)..

Growth delays a stronger arm   
a mind that's mild to maybe           
a baby still amongst the calm        here I don´t quite understand which calm
you arrived and saved me.           
 
 the last line is so striking, that I think it would be good to add a hint as to how the subject was saved, and from what (that could make a whole additional stanza).
maybe the subject was just saved from the nagging feeling of attending a “fake” party... I don´t personally know people with down-syndrome but they seem to want to live in a more amiable world, frustration happening when the world won´t fit.
 
good to read a poem about that topic.
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