Passing Through With You
(01-19-2023, 10:02 AM)TranquillityBase Wrote:  ahead
is cloudy now,                       never seen a cloudy road...foggy, dim, darkening ?
what else left                 maybe insert "is".......what else is left
to find?
I just don't quite get the ending stanza.  I see the connection to bees, but I think it may be too pared down to make a satisfying ending for a reader.  "Yours/or/mine?" leaves it so wide open, it could mean anything.
Thanks Tim- the 'cloudy road' section does need work. That, and the lines leading to that section are where I was having an issue turning toward the ending.

(01-19-2023, 08:05 PM)RiverNotch Wrote:  1-Some flowers -- don't smell -- so pretty,
2-but bees -- don't seem to mind.

3-Some days -- don't smell -- so pretty,
4-but we've left those -- behind.

5-The road -- ahead -- is cloudy,
6-what else is left -- to find?

7-More -- flowers? Yours, -- or mine?

Lines 1 to 2 establish the central metaphor, and to comment negatively or positively there is likely to reveal more about this particular reader than about the piece.
Lines 3 to 4 indicate that the piece is an intimation of mortality, although I think it's rather clumsy, especially with how the metaphor is integrated in line 3.
Lines 5 to 6 are better at the same job, but they still need lines 3 to 4 to work, otherwise they'd be too opaque, so I suggest rethinking lines 3 to 4 rather than plain removing them.
And line's an interesting line, I think. Punctuate it differently, and I wonder: would it still be "Yours", or would it just be "yours"?
Thanks notch-
I broke down your coments and numbereed the lines to better understand them.  The way you've arranged this piece allows me to see the problem with Line 3 & 4. I'll work on those as they are the critical turn toward Lines 5 & 6, which also need work.
Thanks again- your comments are very helpful.

Messages In This Thread
Passing Through With You - by Mark A Becker - 01-19-2023, 06:52 AM
RE: For the Bees - by TranquillityBase - 01-19-2023, 10:02 AM
RE: For the Bees - by Mark A Becker - 01-19-2023, 09:11 PM
RE: For the Bees - by RiverNotch - 01-19-2023, 08:05 PM
RE: Passing Through With You - by Mark A Becker - 08-03-2023, 08:43 AM
RE: Passing Through With You - by alonso ramoran - 08-23-2023, 05:15 AM
RE: Passing Through With You - by Mark A Becker - 08-23-2023, 05:42 AM

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