Passing Through With You
This piece is basically in iambic tetrameter. The way you try and emphasize each word here by breaking the lines somewhat unconventionally is just frustrating, as it makes a slog of something so simple. Less demanding to either your readers or the printer, I think, would be to pull a Dickinson:

Some flowers -- don't smell -- so pretty,
but bees -- don't seem to mind.

Some days -- don't smell -- so pretty,
but we've left those -- behind.

The road -- ahead -- is cloudy,
what else is left -- to find?

More -- flowers? Yours, -- or mine?

I also think this change improves the ending, as the em dashes are more visually appealing than a cascade of one word lines, but regardless of how you decide to revise this, I'm not sure what purpose most of the breaks serve. The breaks in this prospective line 7 are, indeed, visually appealing in and of themselves, while the breaks in lines 5 and 6 suggest a distance appropriate to the imagery of those lines, but the breaks in lines 1 to 4 seem to be there only to make the pace more deliberate, which is too one dimensional of a use.

As for the sense of the words, again, Dickinson: mortality, pastoral images, a deceptive sort of simplicity....Lines 1 to 2 establish the central metaphor, and to comment negatively or positively there is likely to reveal more about this particular reader than about the piece. Lines 3 to 4 indicate that the piece is an intimation of mortality, although I think it's rather clumsy, especially with how the metaphor is integrated in line 3. Lines 5 to 6 are better at the same job, but they still need lines 3 to 4 to work, otherwise they'd be too opaque, so I suggest rethinking lines 3 to 4 rather than plain removing them. And line's an interesting line, I think. Punctuate it differently, and I wonder: would it still be "Yours", or would it just be "yours"?

Messages In This Thread
Passing Through With You - by Mark A Becker - 01-19-2023, 06:52 AM
RE: For the Bees - by TranquillityBase - 01-19-2023, 10:02 AM
RE: For the Bees - by Mark A Becker - 01-19-2023, 09:11 PM
RE: For the Bees - by RiverNotch - 01-19-2023, 08:05 PM

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