Hi s3-
Some comments below:

Dry soil, dust lifting, and underneath it a floating wound
a mystery, or a forgotten belonging:
how you could run so fast but never get very far
is a relic of the truth, a tragedy
far removed from the prime of your life
yet still fully formed in its image.

With growing unease
I stare at the edges of your photograph
and think of what you were,
what might have survived you: heat, water, bone,
a favorite lipstick. Your fear of the light.

The hunter-gatherer comes to the end of his route 
standing before the gorge
twin oceans of prairie grass and diamond sky
in place of the yellow-and-grey canyons of his youth.
Looking for the warp over the scar
the yolk on your fingers, a twin without twin,
peer without peer: what did you realize
when you saw land?
  I think you could do without this entire section.  It just muddies things up, and detracts from the central characters, which for me are a mother, daughter, and baby (grand baby)

I imagine you holding me
nursing by the small window,
condensation tracking down the water glass
and breast milk drying on your skin,
the ants in my ear humming a strange lullaby.  I think this line would work better in the next stanza
An odd tableau
for someone more used to surviving than giving -
in stillness, stars could burn you, but metal couldn't cut you
and time never altered you.
I think this section could be made more compact

Having been made in your image
I find myself unable to turn the page.
Springtime has arrived in Texas
and with it, the beginning of a new life; a new happiness
over the same sadness. White blossoms
cupping your smile,  I'm really confused about whose smile this is- 'your' is just too general
the baby.
Ants in my ear humming a strange lullaby.
Sunlight streaming in softly over your head 
and the asphalt under your feet warming, a warning.  whose head? and whose feet?  the over-use of 'your' here is confusing, again

Entropy studies me the way I study 
  Sort of interesting, but the poem ends stronger for me at 'warning'. 

I really like many of the elements in this piece and think you're getting closer.  It's hard to know when a poem is asking too much of a reader- that tension can be good, yet it's a delicate balance.

Thanks for an intersting read,

Messages In This Thread
2002 - by s3 - 01-01-2023, 12:25 AM
RE: 2002 - by TranquillityBase - 01-01-2023, 01:07 AM
RE: 2002 - by TrevorConway - 01-09-2023, 05:10 PM
RE: 2002 - by rowens - 01-21-2023, 07:46 AM
RE: 2002 - by 71degrees - 01-22-2023, 01:49 AM
RE: 2002 - by TranquillityBase - 01-22-2023, 02:44 AM
RE: 2002 - by s3 - 02-07-2023, 03:05 AM
RE: 2002 - by TranquillityBase - 02-07-2023, 06:23 AM
RE: 2002 - by TranquillityBase - 02-09-2023, 12:46 AM
RE: 2002 - by Mark A Becker - 02-09-2023, 04:12 AM

Users browsing this thread: 2 Guest(s)
Do NOT follow this link or you will be banned from the site!