01-09-2023, 05:10 PM
Hi S3,
I agree with all TqB said, including the line/stanza breaks. There's a lot to like here, though it needs some structure. Maybe a bit more clarity of the theme would help too. I thought it was about a distant planet at first, then it seemed to veer away from that.
Some highlights for me:
a floating wound
A tragedy far removed from your prime
yet still fully formed
Looking for the warp over the scar,
the yolk on your fingers, a twin without twin:
what did you realize
breast milk drying on your skin,
the ants in my ear humming a strange lullaby;
white blossoms cupping your smile,
Entropy studies me the way I study
you.
All the best,
Trev
I agree with all TqB said, including the line/stanza breaks. There's a lot to like here, though it needs some structure. Maybe a bit more clarity of the theme would help too. I thought it was about a distant planet at first, then it seemed to veer away from that.
Some highlights for me:
a floating wound
A tragedy far removed from your prime
yet still fully formed
Looking for the warp over the scar,
the yolk on your fingers, a twin without twin:
what did you realize
breast milk drying on your skin,
the ants in my ear humming a strange lullaby;
white blossoms cupping your smile,
Entropy studies me the way I study
you.
All the best,
Trev