In a dream of flight
(09-21-2022, 03:24 AM)ZHamilton Wrote:  If we dream of flying,
we know:                                           This statement is unnecessary 
there is a ground below.
                                                                      You could connect these two stanzas. 
Even if it is never seen. 
our sub conscious’ subconscious knows.       Add a hyphen between sub and subconscious.  Sub-subconscious. Flows better and is a bit humorous, if you're into that.
But tonight,                                                 
this dream feels different. 
Tonight we fly
over terra infirma.                                         Terra infirma is a good description but sticks out more than the others.

A new world                                                 A" new world" is always a boring description. Show not tell. How is the world different?
not quire born from the ashes                        Quite? 
of a still burning history. 
Gasses swirling. 
Matter yet to form.                            I'm taken aback with this line a little. What does the gas from the fire form? Also, phoenix rising from the ashes is a bit cliché.

A demand for genesis.                                 

But once the ground is gone, 
falling and flying are the same. 

Our flight is not that of the goose in formation,
but of the bat.
Unpredictable. Urgent. 
A quick change scatter dive.                       My favorite stanza

Searching. The sunrise still hours away. 

Our senses, so attuned to a prior existence,
no longer serve.
So we fly, 
if only by echolocation, 
through the descended dark.                      Descended dark?
Minimize the "buts" that indicate something's different or surprising. Again, show not tell.

Like the flight of the bat this poem is somewhat scattershot with its metaphors. I suggest condensing some of your main points. 

The parts I most enjoyed were the beginning and the end. The middle languishes.

Messages In This Thread
In a dream of flight - by ZHamilton - 09-21-2022, 03:24 AM
RE: In a dream of flight - by Semicircle - 09-21-2022, 03:55 AM
RE: In a dream of flight - by ZHamilton - 09-22-2022, 01:33 AM
RE: In a dream of flight - by TranquillityBase - 09-21-2022, 05:39 AM
RE: In a dream of flight - by brynmawr1 - 09-21-2022, 10:52 AM
RE: In a dream of flight - by TranquillityBase - 09-22-2022, 05:22 AM

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