Heat Map
(06-10-2022, 08:14 AM)Semicircle Wrote:  
(06-10-2022, 06:20 AM)TranquillityBase Wrote:  The long march
of the sun Line break right here would work better.
begins in birdsong

into the utter heat
of a 100 degree afternoon.

Sun twists the day like a licorice stick.   

Grass withers, 
the smell of thirst rising from the earth.

On the border
asphalt’s crop of black fever ascends.   Favorite line. Good job.

Ants dismember
a dead moth down to its wings. Ok, but this doesn't have much to do with heat.

Blue sky halts
for the hours to gather into fire. 'in' would be fine

End of day,  You need a better way of describing this. Before the sun was marching, it tread across dead grass and earth. Where did it march to?
exhaustion split into wounded pools of shadow,
triaged by locusts singing into dark.
Thermal map would be a good title, but heat might roll of the tongue better. It's not much of a map though, there aren't many places delineated. besides the road and grass, the rest describes the day. This seems to me more a journey of heat than a map of it.

I killed a couple "the" with my bb gun.

Good read, it has a feel of desperation; though, a bit misplaced with the title.
Thanks Semi, I have edited it with your comments in mind.  I did take out a couple of the's, including one you missed I think, but some are still there.

Messages In This Thread
Heat Map - by TranquillityBase - 06-10-2022, 06:20 AM
RE: Heat Map - by Semicircle - 06-10-2022, 08:14 AM
RE: Heat Map - by TranquillityBase - 06-11-2022, 06:03 AM
RE: Heat Map - by Mark A Becker - 06-11-2022, 06:08 AM
RE: Heat Map - by rowens - 06-18-2022, 11:47 PM
RE: Heat Map - by TranquillityBase - 06-19-2022, 10:37 PM

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