Rain Clock (edit)
#3
(05-21-2023, 12:55 AM)Tiger the Lion Wrote:  
(05-20-2023, 09:55 PM)TranquillityBase Wrote:  Rain Clock

Rain cancels the hours.
Wildflowers look up
a scripture of colors among green pages
bound in asphalt, read by the clouds.
Rainfall shifts the day away from its tyranny 
of stone pointed minutes
leaving me time to breathe
the psalmody of incarnated seconds.
Hey Tim. Quick suggestion on first read.
I had no issue with the repetition of "Rain" in the title and L1. The 3rd instance in L5 with "rainfall" triggered me slightly. It occurred to me that "Showers shift the day away..." had a great ring to it. Not sure what your ear might make of it.
Hi Tiger,

Thanks for the read and the comment.  I see your point, but "showers" doesn't really describe what I mean to say.  I've thought of a way (I think) to revise and remove the repetition.  I also think I'll remove the lines about the flowers, that being an unnecessary flourish/intrusion.

Tim
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Messages In This Thread
Rain Clock (edit) - by TranquillityBase - 05-20-2023, 09:55 PM
RE: Rain Clock - by Tiger the Lion - 05-21-2023, 12:55 AM
RE: Rain Clock - by TranquillityBase - 05-21-2023, 09:20 PM
RE: Rain Clock (edit) - by alonso ramoran - 06-26-2023, 04:48 AM
RE: Rain Clock (edit) - by TranquillityBase - 06-27-2023, 12:37 AM
RE: Rain Clock (edit) - by Miley - 06-26-2023, 01:09 PM
RE: Rain Clock (edit) - by Knot - 06-27-2023, 01:24 AM



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