What they saw Edit 1.0 (Mark, TqB)
(01-20-2023, 03:56 PM)busker Wrote:  I’ve been struggling with this for months, so thought I’d workshop it.

What they saw (Edit 1.0)

1: Olive


from the tree of life I bring

to spread the taste of worlds

to come, and words

borne fruit.

In him I saw the daylight,         In Ananias I saw the daylight?


emerging from the womb.       this line eludes me

2: Yggdrasil

The nine worlds are

its reach, with room

for gods and poetry, 

even unto 

the doom.

Sun eludes the rider

travelling in its shade for days,

which is nothing,

even a hundred years

is nothing.

3: Kalpavriksha

It came out of the sea,

the churning ocean

bearing precious gifts: 

eternal life, bartered and stolen,

and death, 

but for the blue throated one.         this reference also eludes me

4: Bodhi

But not being born, Ananda,

is the greatest gift of all.

Nothing awaits them 

through endless cycles of grief, 

and the search 

for a house

that’s a stranger to sorrow.

5: Zaqqum

For the rest is a fire prepared -

for man and jinn - 

by one 

not overtaken by sleep,

watching over them 

It would be helpful if the title would somehow clue the reader into the idea that these are five trees that you are referencing.  Perhaps many readers would guess that; Olive, Yggdrasil and Bodhi may be common enough references, but I still needed to look up the latter two to be sure.

Or perhaps the identification of them as trees could be made part of the individual subtitles?

Other than that, and the two lines I noted, it's a fine series of short poems, each with its own special revelation, that cohere as a single poem.


Messages In This Thread
What they saw Edit 1.0 (Mark, TqB) - by busker - 01-20-2023, 03:56 PM
RE: What they saw - by Mark A Becker - 01-21-2023, 08:58 AM
RE: What they saw - by busker - 01-21-2023, 08:26 PM
RE: What they saw - by TranquillityBase - 01-22-2023, 03:01 AM
RE: What they saw - by busker - 01-29-2023, 02:36 PM
RE: What they saw - by busker - 02-01-2023, 11:45 PM
RE: What they saw Edit 1.0 (Mark, TqB) - by TranquillityBase - 02-03-2023, 01:54 AM

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