In a dream of flight
(09-21-2022, 03:24 AM)ZHamilton Wrote:  If we dream of flying,
we know:
there is a ground below.      nice opening.  I wouldn't change it.

Even if it is never seen. 
our sub conscious’ subconscious knows.    I agree, 'unconscious' will do, but....I am not sure these first two lines add much.  My comments below assume such.
But This night,
this dream feels different.     the
Tonight we fly
over terra infirma. 

A new world 
not quire born from the ashes
of a still burning history.       you have some punctuation issues in this stanza.
Gasses swirling. 
Matter yet to form. 

A demand for genesis.     need?

But once the ground is gone,        even consider 'the ground gone,'
falling and flying are the same.      Nice observation.

Our flight is not that of the goose in formation,    leave the reader to complete the thought
but of the bat.
Unpredictable. Urgent. 
A quick change scatter dive.   I think you need only one of these lines since they convey the same thought.  I suggest L4.

Searching. The sunrise still hours away. 

Our senses, so attuned to a prior existence,   sight?  You have a bit of a contradiction here in that you suggest that the senses don't work then suggest that you have a highly developed sense.
no longer serve.
So we fly, 
if only by echolocation, 
through the descended dark.   like the ending
Hi Z,

Again, like you piece.  Some inline suggestions.  Looking forward to see how it develops.

Messages In This Thread
In a dream of flight - by ZHamilton - 09-21-2022, 03:24 AM
RE: In a dream of flight - by Semicircle - 09-21-2022, 03:55 AM
RE: In a dream of flight - by ZHamilton - 09-22-2022, 01:33 AM
RE: In a dream of flight - by TranquillityBase - 09-21-2022, 05:39 AM
RE: In a dream of flight - by brynmawr1 - 09-21-2022, 10:52 AM
RE: In a dream of flight - by TranquillityBase - 09-22-2022, 05:22 AM

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