(09-11-2022, 11:23 PM)s3 Wrote:  Heat

On his way home, the auctioneer feels a thump in the car
and pulls over to the side of the road. I like the sound of this line, but I think it's entirely possible to leave it at "...and pulls over." You could even continue with "There's a short breeze..." so it reads: "and pulls over. There's a short breeze"
There's a short breeze crackling through the trees, fire, [b]I like the use of crackle here but might I suggest removing "through"? I think it'll lend the word more emphasis[/b]
he gets out and stands, fire, examines the tire, Personally, I like the repetition of fire and the little rhyme that follows for no reason other than how it sounds
it's gone flat. His heart is hammering in his chest. 

Racing season. His wife: why do they run in circles? 
holding a sweating glass in one hand, shading her eyes
with the other. She stands there. Stuck in the tragedy of her past. 

Sweat drips down his eyelash. The day is unimaginably bright I can feel the heat in this line. Unimaginably seems like a throwaway adj though
in memory. The yellow smile, the crack of the whip, Small suggestion: could you omit "in memory" and write the sentence in the past tense and still achieve what you were going for?
the hard path. She turns to ask him another question, 
shoulders flexing in the heat of the sun. I'm assuming the N means the wife's shoulders but it's not entirely clear
To see the rot in a living thing; to speak it. He bends
towards the trampled grass. The long flank, the ripple in the surface. 
Above his lurching body
the world fills with amber. Sunset kills them all. Interesting ending, though it might take some rereads for me to fully understand
Thank you for the read : ) you have a solid first draft here and I can't wait to see what you do with it! I do wonder if you could find a more evocative title than simply "Heat" though...


Messages In This Thread
Heat - by s3 - 09-11-2022, 11:23 PM
RE: Heat - by Semicircle - 09-12-2022, 03:04 AM
RE: Heat - by CRNDLSM - 09-12-2022, 10:28 PM
RE: Heat - by Mark A Becker - 09-13-2022, 01:57 AM
RE: Heat - by Velasco - 09-16-2022, 02:20 PM

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