Central Park Morning (edit)
(08-19-2022, 06:15 AM)TranquillityBase Wrote:  
(08-17-2022, 10:38 PM)brynmawr1 Wrote:  Hi again,
Thanks for reading both.  With the kids I was trying to capture the random, disordered way young athletes tend to move about the field; yes, to your second question.  As you can tell, I struggled to find a good sequitur to the shadow imagery to link it together.  I was hoping to get away with the last phrase as here it is a literal observation of the shadow and the leaf coming together when it hits the ground while drawing in the second implication of the spiritual meaning.  I'll see what I can do to tweak it.
Thanks again,
I should have looked up "Brownian motion" (I'm a science illiterate).  I think the serenity would work better if you were to somehow indicate you could see the soccer, but not hear it, that is, if it were happening in the distance.  I think if the butterfly didn't interrupt, the "meet your maker" would work better.  By the time I got there, I'd forgotten the shadow.

And about that title....

But really, it's fine work, my quibbling aside.
Hi Tim,
And I am a science nerd trying to wake up my right brain.  Part of my issue is I am trying to constrain myself to 14 syllables per line, or at least make it consistent.  Maybe a little fudging here and there might not be too bad.  I did have "nearby" in front of children but cut it to get the meter to work.  The serenity, to be honest, was a last minute idea trying to contrast the randomness of the other "characters" including the narrator to the singular purpose of the shadow.  I was aware it was a stretch and it isn't working that well.  To me, the shadow is the heart of the poem and I have to figure out how to give it its due.

Ha! The title is a little bit of self indulgence.  Also 14 syllables.  I will work on it.

Thank you for your continued comments.

Messages In This Thread
Central Park Morning (edit) - by brynmawr1 - 08-17-2022, 10:07 AM
RE: Central Park in the recent past or a distant future - by brynmawr1 - 08-19-2022, 11:36 AM

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