Rain Light - edit2

[Wjames]

Rain Light


As I sat on my porch this afternoon
cool cloud-shine flicked to thundering sun-shower:
bright instant rays of flashing icicle This line is pure poetry. bright -> instant -> rays -> flashing -> icicle - every single word (other than the necessary of) is connected visually and thematically. Icicle is the crucial word (the others are somewhat obvious connections to a thunderstorm) and it really connects and elevates the poem.
filled air-space everywhere that could be seen. I don't love "air-space" here, I don't think it works as well as cloud-shine and sun-shower above, air and space are too similar.

This rare and cataclysmic-looking fall "cataclysmic-looking" is a mouthful sonically, but I can't think of any improvement that conveys the same idea.
spared book and watcher underneath his roof
from all but fragmentary mist and awe 
in comfort to enjoy a threshing rain. threshing is another perfect word here - it conveys the sound of rain wonderfully. This stanza is really good too

There must be others roofless in some storm
this day who curse an unexpected drench– 
must my delight yield to their misery?
It doesn’t, and I don’t believe it should. I like the thought of others having a different perspective on the beautiful experience brought up in the first two lines of this stanza, but the final two lines somewhat fall flat for me. I think you could convey this idea with more showing and less telling. i.e continue describing the others plight in the drench for a line or two and then bring it back to end the poem with the narrator continuing to enjoy the beauty - show the delight continuing. One persons delight in an event does not yield to anothers misery in that same event is a good message to convey through images, but it's not that intersting of a statement in and of itself (to me).

original version;

As I sat on my porch this afternoon
cool cloud-shine flicked to thundering sun-shower:
bright instant rays of flashing icicle
filled air-space everywhere that could be seen.

This rare and cataclysmic-looking fall
spared book and watcher underneath his roof
from all but fragmentary mist and awe;
how fortunate to own a well-built house
and leisure to appreciate this rain
of beauty, sheltered by both health and wealth
sufficient to protect from want and fear.

There must be others roofless in a storm
this day who curse an unexpected drench–
must my delight yield to their misery?
It doesn’t, and I can’t see that it should.

This was a fun one to read, duke, and the title is perfect too.