Rain Light - edit2
(08-17-2022, 12:22 AM)dukealien Wrote:  edit1;

As I sat on my porch this afternoon
cool cloud-shine flicked to thundering sun-shower:
bright instant rays of flashing icicle
filled air-space everywhere that could be seen.

This rare and cataclysmic-looking fall
spared book and watcher underneath his roof
from all but fragmentary mist and awe
in comfort to enjoy a threshing rain.

There must be others roofless in some storm
this day who curse an unexpected drench–
must my delight yield to their misery?
It doesn’t, and I don’t believe it should.

Sincere thanks to both critics.  Good observations, both.

@TranquilityBase - absolutely right about unnecessary material in the second stanza (though reducing it did fatten my systemizing hobgoblin, who rejoiced in three uniform stanzas).  Other changes also more or less in line with your suggestions.

@busker - your critique is just as valuable.  My point (and, yes, there is one) is that enjoying beauty - and, perhaps, other things - does not necessarily harm anyone else and consequently requires no guilty feelings so long as it doesn't.  To invert what Jefferson said about inspiration and reputation, when I light my candle at an aesthetic bonfire no one is the less for it.  Your objection led to specifying belief rather than vision, which I hope helps put the idea across as something other than gloating.
Hi Duke,
Thanks for the poem.  I enjoyed both versions, but I do like the edits.  Particularly the last line of S2 which summarized the deleted lines while still providing context for S3.  Part of me is glad you left the rhetorical question.  As a nerd, I find it hard to resist answering a good rhetorical question.  I do wonder about whether you answering it might detract from its effectiveness.  Part of the issue for me is that "should" invokes a certain amount of subconscious morality.  For example, "I should go to the gym" vs "I would be better off if I went to the gym" which, as you point out, isn't what you are going for.  I don't think you "should" change anything, just something to ponder.
Thanks for the read,

Messages In This Thread
Rain Light - edit2 - by dukealien - 08-16-2022, 05:00 AM
RE: Rain Light - by TranquillityBase - 08-16-2022, 10:12 AM
RE: Rain Light - by busker - 08-16-2022, 10:31 PM
RE: Rain Light - edit - by dukealien - 08-17-2022, 12:22 AM
RE: Rain Light - edit - by brynmawr1 - 08-17-2022, 10:50 AM
RE: Rain Light - edit - by dukealien - 08-18-2022, 04:46 AM
RE: Rain Light - edit - by Wjames - 08-18-2022, 12:22 PM
RE: Rain Light - edit2 - by dukealien - 08-19-2022, 04:14 AM

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