The Persistance of Death
#10
(05-25-2020, 05:55 AM)dukealien Wrote:  This revision has, to me, made he poem more accessible, so less difficult for readers.  But I'm missing the progression of the original version from bafflement to knowledge (on the part of the viewpoint voice), it seems more circular now.  Also missing the distinction between "house" and "home" that you made previously.

There's still a little problem with referring back to "furniture" in line 3 as plural.  You could, for example, say "it" instead of "them" or change "furniture" to "furnishings" elsewhere.  The mismatch worked better when the initial voice was naive.

Also, I'd suggest also posting your revision by prepending it into the original post, and enclosing the original version of the poem in "pre verse" brackets so readers can easily view it by clicking on a "Previous Versions" button but don't see it as the current version.

(05-24-2020, 12:22 PM)JaggedEdge Wrote:  What do you think of this Duke, this is my re-write of The Persistence of Death, for now I will work on it again behind the scenes though.

In my home the furniture is disappearing.
Where oh where is my furniture?
I must track them down and rearrange them.
Where oh where is my furniture?
God, my neighbour has told me I have died.
Why oh why is this happening?

He must be around the bend somewhere.
I must also find him tonight and after that.
Where oh where is my furniture?
I think there is something about god that.
Makes me feel I can reach out and touch materials.
But please tell me where is my furniture.

I think god is joking around and I feel angry.
I wish there was a way to use my nose like a dog.
And smell my materials outside all these trees.
And shrubs to get to my furniture.
But please tell me where is my furniture?
God bursts into butterflies and I have become confused.

I have been confused for the last day or so.
As I can only touch the forest and lumber of stumps.
But please tell me where is my furniture.
I have to find a way to fix this mess my friends.
Now where is my furniture my friends.
I can smell the rotting flesh being burned, decaying.

So tell me where is my furniture my friends.
My neighbour tells me I have lived a lifetime.
But that isn’t important right now.
All I care about is my home, yet death is calling.
I must find my furniture immediately!
Can someone tell where my furniture is?
Thanks for your opinion on this poem Duke, appreciate it! I always love your comments.
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Messages In This Thread
The Persistance of Death - by JaggedEdge - 05-23-2020, 05:45 AM
RE: The Persistance of Death - by dukealien - 05-23-2020, 08:04 AM
RE: The Persistance of Death - by JaggedEdge - 05-23-2020, 09:18 AM
RE: The Persistance of Death - by dukealien - 05-24-2020, 02:46 AM
RE: The Persistance of Death - by JaggedEdge - 05-24-2020, 03:43 AM
RE: The Persistance of Death - by dukealien - 05-24-2020, 09:01 AM
RE: The Persistance of Death - by JaggedEdge - 05-24-2020, 12:22 PM
RE: The Persistance of Death - by dukealien - 05-25-2020, 05:55 AM
RE: The Persistance of Death - by JaggedEdge - 05-25-2020, 06:13 AM
RE: The Persistance of Death - by JaggedEdge - 05-23-2020, 01:17 PM



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