a love story told in haikus
#5
lilleahj,

Welcome to the site.

To me this comes across as a bit pedantic. The double "here" in the first five stanzas comes across as a ball peen hammer to the temples which only emphasizes it's pedantic nature. The only haiku characteristic is the syllable count, basically making this a series of dependent clauses that carries little useful information. This leads to such odd lines as "she fell hopelessly," which makes no sense as the part that would follow is removed to adhere to the 5-7-5, i.e "she fell hopelessly down a well." It seems to me that the form, rather than being a lattice that one uses as a guide upon which to hang creative meaningful wordplay, is merely an excuse to write poorly. This is in evidence with the continued use of repetition. Where one would expect a brevity of style and a conciseness of words where space is at a premium, one finds the largess of repetition and where one would expect to find imagery, one finds only a telling. 

best,

dale
How long after picking up the brush, the first masterpiece?

The goal is not to obfuscate that which is clear, but make clear that which isn't.
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Messages In This Thread
a love story told in haikus - by lilleahj - 05-16-2020, 11:20 PM
RE: a love story told in haikus - by JaggedEdge - 05-19-2020, 01:46 PM
RE: a love story told in haikus - by dukealien - 05-23-2020, 12:15 AM
RE: a love story told in haikus - by lilleahj - 05-28-2020, 11:43 PM
RE: a love story told in haikus - by Erthona - 05-29-2020, 08:45 AM



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