a love story told in haikus
#3
In mild to moderate critique, a few interlinear notes with general critique after:

(05-16-2020, 11:20 PM)lilleahj Wrote:  a fighter lives here
fractured walls keep standing tall
trust was broken here so the walls were trust?

a lover lives here
painted daydreams of soft clouds
the artist heals here suggests the artist heals the daydreams

a critic lives here
spoken truths and illusions
reflection starts here

an artist lives here
listening walls hear her fears
memories pinned here references back to previous stanzas begin here (to the lover/artist and the fighter's [broken] walls)

lover boy explores here
eyes glued to the mountain sky
passion is born here possible new character and, notably, first mention of gender

three houses across
a beautiful starlet lives here
she saw his silhouette another possible new character, also with gender

his dark midnight glow
dancing under the street lamps
charming and carefree definite implied connection with the previous stanza - another first

curious, she paints
albums full of recollection
alive in her mind having set up connections, is the starlet, then, the painter?

breathtaking detail
inspired authenticity captured
she fell hopelessly see below concerning cliche

heart needs no image
love is limitless yet blind good escape from cliche
she fell hopelessly 

our love was born here note last four stanzas are first-person rather than third-person (see below)
inescapable design
we fell hopelessly repetition, while suitably breathless, may not be your friend here

lover boy turned man
turned artist turned explorer
we grew together so they took on each others' characteristics

nurture your children this advice seems a bit out of place in a history, in this case a love story
healing strengthens every bond
we grew together nicely ambivalent:  speaking generally (strengthens every bond) or (bond e grew together)

previous strangers
turned artists turned explorers 
lovers live here now so this is at a place - only previously mentioned places were starlet's house and the street
First off, an unimportant technical note - this (these) haiku is/are about people rather than nature, so is/are strictly speaking senryu (haiku-format poem(s)) about people).

Particularly in haiku/senryu with its (almost) strict syllable limit, use of "a" and "the" expends space that might be turned to other purposes - description, multi-syllable words with more impact, etc..  

The progression from third-person to first-person, admitting the author is one of the characters, is a good concept, though a little jarring when it first pops up with "our" in the last four stanzas.  The poem could almost be titled "our love story in senryus." but there is some surprise value there also, and an endearing naivete that the author might be trying, at first, to hide his/her love.  Note, also, that in the third-person stanzas the author/lover is depersonalizing him/herself, speaking of self as ia generic starlet or lover boy.  Is this healthy, and might that feeling return?

There is, it seems to me, a slight problem with cliche - specifically, "fell hopelessly" (presumably in love).  Aside from the benefits of originality/avoiding cliche, this is a problematic cliche anyway:  it implies a situation where (as in Romeo and Juliet, for example) there is some difficult barrier between the potential lovers, a barrier so formidable as to make their love's consummation impossible (hopeless).  That is obviously not the case here.  You do a better job of avoiding cliche in "love is limitless but blind," breaking up and enriching "love is blind."

There is also a subtler problem with "fell hopelessly," not in its being repeated but in its being repeated as "she fell hopelessly."  This, endearingly, seems to confess that the woman is the author.  But it also gives no clue of the man's involvement aside from taking up art (and, perhaps, giving up fighting).  One is inclined to worry about this asymmetry in the relationship, or even the woman's unconcern with the man's feelings so long as they're doing things together, even though this is addressed by "we fell hopelessly" in the following stanza.

On the whole, this is a good poem, if a little hard (for me) to follow on first reading.  Repetition is fine for mood, but variety has more impact: consider varying the wording, think of different ways to express the ideas which still fit the form you've chosen, or even try examining the relationship in a different format - a sonnet, for example.

Hope this is not excessive for moderate critique, and that it's helpful.
feedback award Non-practicing atheist
Reply


Messages In This Thread
a love story told in haikus - by lilleahj - 05-16-2020, 11:20 PM
RE: a love story told in haikus - by JaggedEdge - 05-19-2020, 01:46 PM
RE: a love story told in haikus - by dukealien - 05-23-2020, 12:15 AM
RE: a love story told in haikus - by lilleahj - 05-28-2020, 11:43 PM
RE: a love story told in haikus - by Erthona - 05-29-2020, 08:45 AM



Users browsing this thread: 1 Guest(s)
Do NOT follow this link or you will be banned from the site!