Complications With Death
In basic critique, some specific items followed by general suggestions.

(05-09-2020, 02:44 PM)JaggedEdge Wrote:  Complications with Death

I am in love with you.
Your view of nature kept me balanced with a good life.  Good ambiguity - are "me" and "good life" balanced (having both self and...) or is the good life a result of that balance?
I felt a sense of wonder in your eyes.  Nice ambiguity - did the "you" have the wonder in that one's eyes, or did the speaker feel that sense of wonder when looking at the other's eyes?
You brought me with joy, I was at bliss. Since joy and bliss are nouns, they might be easier to interpret as objects, for example, "You brought me joy, I felt bliss."
But yet you kept me down, I was scared. One of "but" and "yet" is redundant.  If you want two words, perhaps replace one with"still?"
Scared of the fact that you tore my insides out. Perhaps reduce by cutting a few words to make "Scared that you tore..." or "Scared of the way you tore..."
All I could smell was the charred flesh I bore.
Yet I was alone and there was death.
Yet nature was a beast for me but you weren’t.  "Yet" seems unnecessary here.
All I can do was sprint and touch god in the sky.
He was there to guide me and I died.
Now I was left in anger and in the afterlife. Perhaps fewer words - "left angry in the?"
The smell of burning fire was left there.  Perhaps simplify - "of fire remained?"
So I wondered the halls of fire for so long. Did you mean "wandered" rather than "wondered?"
And there was Satan in his attire.
Leaving me to leave death to the reaper. Maybe "Leading" in place of "Leaving?"
Once again I was defeated.
Leaving me under the care of you.  See below.
You were there next to me and in my arms.
I pestered about what happened before the fall. "Pestered" could use an object (presumably "you")
I was dead never to return again. Hesitate to suggest a major change, but could the first of these two lines cut "again," leaving the second to expand the emphasis?
I was dead never to return again.
I think I'm getting the story alright, so suggestions above are meant to improve rather than alter it (except for the very last).

There are a few points at which enjambment (continuing a sentence from one line to the next) might work, but one line per sentence is also functional.  

You don't overuse "the," which (to me) is a plus.  Since this is something of an ur-story, use of "the" is certainly appropriate - this is The One.  I do think it trips you up in "Leaving me under the care of you."  This does have the effect of emphasizing the person to whom this is addressed, though, and I don't see a way to preserve that emphasis in something like "in your care" or "in care of you" (which sounds like the direction on a letter).  This is a line to work on, I think.

On the whole, it's nicely sinister and mysterious.  Hope this critique was not excessive for Basic, and will be helpful.
feedback award Non-practicing atheist

Messages In This Thread
Complications With Death - by JaggedEdge - 05-09-2020, 02:44 PM
RE: Complications With Death - by dukealien - 05-11-2020, 06:09 AM
RE: Complications With Death - by JaggedEdge - 05-11-2020, 06:39 AM
RE: Complications With Death - by ComposerMike - 05-12-2020, 02:52 PM
RE: Complications With Death - by JaggedEdge - 05-13-2020, 02:31 AM

Users browsing this thread: 1 Guest(s)
Do NOT follow this link or you will be banned from the site!