2020
#13
(05-12-2020, 03:33 PM)ComposerMike Wrote:  
(05-06-2020, 11:55 PM)Greywolf Wrote:  Towers like broken fingers
reach into a slate grey sky.
A memory of packed cities
of crowds that shuffled by.

The promise of cold silence
of store fronts now laid bare.
2020 the year of the virus
of emptied streets everywhere.

Tv screens flicker blue
to the box lose your brain.
The media hypes the fear
of the novel Covid strain.
Perhaps this is what some of the other critiques here are getting at, but I'd like more feeling to it. Maybe write more from a personal perspective. How does it *feel* to have a memory of packed cities, in a now empty city? Does it evoke in you melancholy? Sadness? Fear? A sense of the surreal?

How does it feel for everything to be wrapped in a cold silence? Is it a metaphor for any other part of your life, any time you've been lonely, any time you've felt empty, drained?

Can you make a description of the effect on you of hyping the fear? Maybe describe more the sense of fear we all have, or the surreal nature of the hype, or the feeling of being immersed in non-trustwothy media, perhaps anger at the media? Perhaps a sense of danger about where it all leads?
Hi,

Thank you for this in-depth critique. I understand the concept of ‘show don’t tell’ in creative writing. Unfortunately it seems as though this concept is lost due to the fact that I’m new to poetry. I really like your critique and feel as though it will help me with potentially improving future work.

(05-10-2020, 09:17 PM)LSClanton Wrote:  Towers like broken fingers
reach into a slate grey sky.
A memory of packed cities
of crowds that shuffled by.

I am assuming you are referring to how New York has suffered two disasters in one generation. It makes sense only after reading further, but I like it.

The promise of cold silence
of store fronts now laid bare.
2020 the year of the virus
of emptied streets everywhere.

The last two lines are plenty to set up the focus. There is no need to mention the "novel covid strain" in the last line. I think here, you could play around with what you hear instead of the bustle of city life... a single dog barking or the hiss of sewers, etc. I.e. the sounds that were masked before by life.

You could also play around with taste, such as home cooking or eating canned goods. Also, the hospital food eaten by those who are ill. 

I think mentioning the media here is important for the poem. I think you are trying to say that the media dulls your senses and your intuition. It force feeds you (more on taste).

Tv screens flicker blue
to the box lose your brain.
The media hypes the fear
of the novel Covid strain.

Best of luck!
Hi,

Thank you for your critique. I will consider the four senses when writing and attribute this to your many helpful suggestions. I really like the idea of using taste and smell. I do appreciate your critique. I look forward to using your suggestions to improve my work. Thanks again. 
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Messages In This Thread
2020 - by Greywolf - 05-06-2020, 11:55 PM
RE: 2020 - by JaggedEdge - 05-09-2020, 02:03 PM
RE: 2020 - by Greywolf - 05-09-2020, 02:25 PM
RE: 2020 - by JaggedEdge - 05-09-2020, 02:30 PM
RE: 2020 - by Greywolf - 05-09-2020, 03:01 PM
RE: 2020 - by JaggedEdge - 05-10-2020, 04:41 AM
RE: 2020 - by Greywolf - 05-10-2020, 12:06 PM
RE: 2020 - by JaggedEdge - 05-10-2020, 01:35 PM
RE: 2020 - by billy - 05-10-2020, 05:56 PM
RE: 2020 - by Greywolf - 05-10-2020, 08:01 PM
RE: 2020 - by LSClanton - 05-10-2020, 09:17 PM
RE: 2020 - by ComposerMike - 05-12-2020, 03:33 PM
RE: 2020 - by Greywolf - 05-13-2020, 03:27 PM



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