Ohio
#3
(04-26-2020, 01:00 AM)Miley Wrote:  Recall what's folded in this river valley:
honeysuckle, salt factories, glaciers
somewhere, the tallest tree, elsewhere, the smallest. Nice evocative opening. 
What slow sound folds within the trees:
capillary action, water, turning very nice line break, captures water turning, and turning heartwood.
heartwood, call and response.


What's folded in this river valley:
chest beating personas, boys and girls seeking ways out I agree with Todd about persona's, I think you could find a better word or phrase as well. "hustlers" "big shots" "braggarts" "peacocks" a few suggestions off the top of the head.
and ways indoors or windowsI love the ways out and ways in, again a great line break.
snake skins languishing silver on muddy banks,
a choir singing: steamboats, locomotives, 
crickets, and lawnmowers. Beautiful.


Recall recall recall
what's folded in this river valley:
forgotten memorials, dead languages 
suspended on signpost in public parks, This is a fantastic way of lending an image to a more abstract idea.
words like, Ohiyo, Miami, or Shawnee. This is a fine stanza, but I feel like it needs a second image or sound or smell that's concrete beyond the signpost - all the preceding stanzas were packed with real sensation, this one is more abstract. I think more concrete will improve the abstract.

Recall glaciers splitting the heads of mountainsglaciers suicide-diving to the sea. I like this, but I would remove the second "glaciers" in this line, it doesn't add anything and is just taking up space.
Recall cars driving through Route 50, Bridgetown, Dogtrot,  Zion.


What's folded in this river valley:
honeysuckle, salt factories, glaciers
somewhere, the largest sound, elsewhere, the smallest. Before getting here, I had thought that cutting "somewhere" & "elsewhere" might improve the poem, I deleted that when I read this. For some reason, the call back here really works.
And folded within a sound: the channels, the sediment,
the taste, and the runoff. Great ending.
I really enjoyed reading this, thanks for sharing.
"A hippopotamus is just a really cool opatamus."
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Messages In This Thread
Ohio - by Miley - 04-26-2020, 01:00 AM
RE: Ohio - by Todd - 04-26-2020, 05:41 AM
RE: Ohio - by Wjames - 05-07-2020, 12:57 PM
RE: Ohio - by JaggedEdge - 05-12-2020, 12:57 PM
RE: Ohio - by ComposerMike - 05-14-2020, 10:27 AM



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