Hi Miley,

I found myself enjoying this one. While there were moments it flirted with being a list of concrete attributes I felt you really tied it together and made it work.

(04-26-2020, 01:00 AM)Miley Wrote:  Recall what's folded in this river valley:--Good opening word Recall. It gives a layer of history and importance as if the reader should remember that there is a lot to be discussed. I like the idea folded also.
honeysuckle, salt factories, glaciersExcellent details, I like the light introduction of glaciers. It makes the later lines feel earned.
somewhere, the tallest tree, elsewhere, the smallest.
What slow sound folds within the trees:
capillary action, water, turning 
heartwood, call and response.--Normally, this sequence of rapid-fire words would throw me off, but I think by introducing them as the slow sounds within trees that have seen everything though mute in a way is a nice touch. I think if I were reading this aloud I would give even a slightly longer pause then the comma demands (though I'm not suggesting a punctuation shift, if I were reading it I would personally treat the commas as periods to full stop and emphasize each detail).

What's folded in this river valley:
chest beating personas, boys and girls seeking ways out--chest-beating probably needs a hyphen. I'm not of personas. It feels too artificial a word for this.
and ways indoors or windows--I think you could either cut doors or windows or you could demonstrate the action and cut the telling seeking ways out and ways in. I'm undecided I just think some cut should be here.
snake skins languishing silver on muddy banks,--Best standalone image in the poem.
a choir singing: steamboats, locomotives, --thought on parallel structure here below you have crickets (natural) lawnmowers (manufactured) you may want to follow that structure above and replace either steamboats or locomotives with a natural alternative.
crickets, and lawnmowers.  

Recall recall recall
what's folded in this river valley:
forgotten memorials, dead languages 
suspended on signpost in public parks, 
words like, Ohiyo, Miami, or Shawnee.

Recall glaciers splitting the heads of mountainsglaciers suicide-diving to the sea.--This is a beautiful line. I would probably reverse these two and lead the cars because I think for this smaller strophe the glaciers as the second line would have more punch. 
Recall cars driving through Route 50, Bridgetown, Dogtrot,  Zion.

What's folded in this river valley:
honeysuckle, salt factories, glaciers
somewhere, the largest sound, elsewhere, the smallest.
And folded within a sound: the channels, the sediment,
the taste, and the runoff. --you bring back the echo of ideas, you earn the ending and the last two lines here are a solid conclusion.

I hope some of those opinions are helpful to you. If not, please ignore them.


The secret of poetry is cruelty.--Jon Anderson

Messages In This Thread
Ohio - by Miley - 04-26-2020, 01:00 AM
RE: Ohio - by Todd - 04-26-2020, 05:41 AM
RE: Ohio - by Wjames - 05-07-2020, 12:57 PM
RE: Ohio - by JaggedEdge - 05-12-2020, 12:57 PM
RE: Ohio - by ComposerMike - 05-14-2020, 10:27 AM

Users browsing this thread: 1 Guest(s)
Do NOT follow this link or you will be banned from the site!