Rain Clock (edit)

[TranquillityBase]

Rain Clock 

Rain cancels the hours.
Its relentless fall 
shifts the day away from its tyranny 
of stone pointed minutes
leaving me time to breathe
the psalmody of incarnated seconds.

Rain Clock



Rain cancels the hours.

Wildflowers look up

a scripture of colors among green pages

bound in asphalt, read by the clouds.

Rainfall shifts the day away from its tyranny 

of stone pointed minutes

leaving me time to breathe

the psalmody of incarnated seconds.

[Tiger the Lion]

Rain Clock

Rain cancels the hours.
Wildflowers look up
a scripture of colors among green pages
bound in asphalt, read by the clouds.
Rainfall shifts the day away from its tyranny 
of stone pointed minutes
leaving me time to breathe
the psalmody of incarnated seconds.

Hey Tim. Quick suggestion on first read.
I had no issue with the repetition of "Rain" in the title and L1. The 3rd instance in L5 with "rainfall" triggered me slightly. It occurred to me that "Showers shift the day away..." had a great ring to it. Not sure what your ear might make of it.

[TranquillityBase]

Rain Clock

Rain cancels the hours.
Wildflowers look up
a scripture of colors among green pages
bound in asphalt, read by the clouds.
Rainfall shifts the day away from its tyranny 
of stone pointed minutes
leaving me time to breathe
the psalmody of incarnated seconds.

Hey Tim. Quick suggestion on first read.
I had no issue with the repetition of "Rain" in the title and L1. The 3rd instance in L5 with "rainfall" triggered me slightly. It occurred to me that "Showers shift the day away..." had a great ring to it. Not sure what your ear might make of it.

Hi Tiger,

Thanks for the read and the comment.  I see your point, but "showers" doesn't really describe what I mean to say.  I've thought of a way (I think) to revise and remove the repetition.  I also think I'll remove the lines about the flowers, that being an unnecessary flourish/intrusion.

Tim

[alonso ramoran]

TqB,

Sweet and short and sets the mood nicely for a rainy day. More thoughts below : )

Rain Clock 

Rain cancels the hours.
Its relentless fall 
shifts the day away from its tyranny could a more relevant verb than "shifts" be used instead?
of stone pointed minutes my interpretation of this line is that these minutes are rigid, jagged, so they must be spent or handled carefully
leaving me time to breathe I wonder if the use of "time" here is problematic/intentional considering how the poem seems so focused on how rain affects society's concept of time. 
the psalmody of incarnated seconds.

Rain Clock



Rain cancels the hours.

Wildflowers look up

a scripture of colors among green pages

bound in asphalt, read by the clouds.

Rainfall shifts the day away from its tyranny 

of stone pointed minutes

leaving me time to breathe

the psalmody of incarnated seconds.

Thank you for sharing,

Alex

[Miley]

Rain Clock 

Rain cancels the hours.  I think you can do better than cancles, maybe dampens I even prefer negates cancle takes me too directly to something like the cancel logo or cancel culture or something, maybe the image is like rain as vertical lines canceling out the hours?? Maybe cancle feels too geometric for rain, my ready anyway.? Is  there something with the circular cancle logo and its strike through and a circular clock face?
Its relentless fall 
shifts the day away from its tyranny 
of stone pointed minutes
leaving me time to breathe
the psalmody of incarnated seconds. Psalmody :O  This ending is so strange and religious/mystic 

I see why lines were cut from the first Version, in the current v the only real concrete-ish images are the rain and the stone pointed minutes (this is a clock face? a stone clock hand? a sun dial?) Maybe in the original the other images do bridge the rain and the stone point some. Interestingly a rain drop and a stone point arent too disimiliar in shape, in my head anyway, though they seem elementally opposed or something.

Rain Clock



Rain cancels the hours.

Wildflowers look up

a scripture of colors among green pages

bound in asphalt, read by the clouds.

Rainfall shifts the day away from its tyranny 

of stone pointed minutes

leaving me time to breathe

the psalmody of incarnated seconds.

[TranquillityBase]

TqB,

Sweet and short and sets the mood nicely for a rainy day. More thoughts below : )

[quote="TranquillityBase" pid='264201' dateline='1684587346']
Rain Clock 

Rain cancels the hours.
Its relentless fall 
shifts the day away from its tyranny could a more relevant verb than "shifts" be used instead?
of stone pointed minutes my interpretation of this line is that these minutes are rigid, jagged, so they must be spent or handled carefully
leaving me time to breathe I wonder if the use of "time" here is problematic/intentional considering how the poem seems so focused on how rain affects society's concept of time. 
the psalmody of incarnated seconds.

Perhaps, "leaving me space to breathe" ?

---

[quote="TranquillityBase" pid='264201' dateline='1684587346']
Rain Clock 

Rain cancels the hours.  I think you can do better than cancles, maybe dampens I even prefer negates cancle takes me too directly to something like the cancel logo or cancel culture or something, maybe the image is like rain as vertical lines canceling out the hours?? Maybe cancle feels too geometric for rain, my ready anyway.? Is  there something with the circular cancle logo and its strike through and a circular clock face?
Its relentless fall 
shifts the day away from its tyranny 
of stone pointed minutes
leaving me time to breathe
the psalmody of incarnated seconds. Psalmody :O  This ending is so strange and religious/mystic 

I see why lines were cut from the first Version, in the current v the only real concrete-ish images are the rain and the stone pointed minutes (this is a clock face? a stone clock hand? a sun dial?) Maybe in the original the other images do bridge the rain and the stone point some. Interestingly a rain drop and a stone point arent too disimiliar in shape, in my head anyway, though they seem elementally opposed or something.

Thanks Miley for the read and comments.  I'll ponder "cancels" (maybe "collapses"?).  I like most of the cuts you suggest.

[Knot]

.
Hi Tim.
I struggle with 'stone pointed minutes' (sends me off to a sundial) and 'psalmody/incarnated' (to a lesser extent) but despite that the whole is very pleasing.

A small thought or two.

Rain Clock ..... anything beter than this? Just to avoid the repetition of 'rain'.


Rain dissolves the hours.
Its relentless fall
washes the day of tyranny
– of stone pointed minutes
and the psalmody
of incarnated seconds
– leaving me time to breathe


Best, Knot


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