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Passing Through With You
Some flowers don't smell pretty,
but bees don't seem to mind.
Some days weren’t pretty either-
let's leave those all behind.
The road ahead now shortens,
so what else can we find?
Inevitably, flowers-
will they be yours, or mine?
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(01-19-2023, 06:52 AM)Mark A Becker Wrote: For the Bees
Some flowers
don't smell
so pretty,
but bees
don't seem to mind.
Some days
didn't smell
so pretty,
but we've left those
all behind.
The road
ahead
is cloudy now, never seen a cloudy road...foggy, dim, darkening ?
what else left maybe insert "is".......what else is left
to find?
More
flowers?
Yours,
or
mine? I just don't quite get the ending stanza. I see the connection to bees, but I think it may be too pared down to make a satisfying ending for a reader. "Yours/or/mine?" leaves it so wide open, it could mean anything.
My thoughts.
Tim
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This piece is basically in iambic tetrameter. The way you try and emphasize each word here by breaking the lines somewhat unconventionally is just frustrating, as it makes a slog of something so simple. Less demanding to either your readers or the printer, I think, would be to pull a Dickinson:
Some flowers -- don't smell -- so pretty,
but bees -- don't seem to mind.
Some days -- don't smell -- so pretty,
but we've left those -- behind.
The road -- ahead -- is cloudy,
what else is left -- to find?
More -- flowers? Yours, -- or mine?
I also think this change improves the ending, as the em dashes are more visually appealing than a cascade of one word lines, but regardless of how you decide to revise this, I'm not sure what purpose most of the breaks serve. The breaks in this prospective line 7 are, indeed, visually appealing in and of themselves, while the breaks in lines 5 and 6 suggest a distance appropriate to the imagery of those lines, but the breaks in lines 1 to 4 seem to be there only to make the pace more deliberate, which is too one dimensional of a use.
As for the sense of the words, again, Dickinson: mortality, pastoral images, a deceptive sort of simplicity....Lines 1 to 2 establish the central metaphor, and to comment negatively or positively there is likely to reveal more about this particular reader than about the piece. Lines 3 to 4 indicate that the piece is an intimation of mortality, although I think it's rather clumsy, especially with how the metaphor is integrated in line 3. Lines 5 to 6 are better at the same job, but they still need lines 3 to 4 to work, otherwise they'd be too opaque, so I suggest rethinking lines 3 to 4 rather than plain removing them. And line 7....it's an interesting line, I think. Punctuate it differently, and I wonder: would it still be "Yours", or would it just be "yours"?
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(01-19-2023, 10:02 AM)TranquillityBase Wrote: ahead
is cloudy now, never seen a cloudy road...foggy, dim, darkening ?
what else left maybe insert "is".......what else is left
to find?
I just don't quite get the ending stanza. I see the connection to bees, but I think it may be too pared down to make a satisfying ending for a reader. "Yours/or/mine?" leaves it so wide open, it could mean anything.
Thanks Tim- the 'cloudy road' section does need work. That, and the lines leading to that section are where I was having an issue turning toward the ending.
(01-19-2023, 08:05 PM)RiverNotch Wrote: 1-Some flowers -- don't smell -- so pretty,
2-but bees -- don't seem to mind.
3-Some days -- don't smell -- so pretty,
4-but we've left those -- behind.
5-The road -- ahead -- is cloudy,
6-what else is left -- to find?
7-More -- flowers? Yours, -- or mine?
Lines 1 to 2 establish the central metaphor, and to comment negatively or positively there is likely to reveal more about this particular reader than about the piece.
Lines 3 to 4 indicate that the piece is an intimation of mortality, although I think it's rather clumsy, especially with how the metaphor is integrated in line 3.
Lines 5 to 6 are better at the same job, but they still need lines 3 to 4 to work, otherwise they'd be too opaque, so I suggest rethinking lines 3 to 4 rather than plain removing them.
And line 7....it's an interesting line, I think. Punctuate it differently, and I wonder: would it still be "Yours", or would it just be "yours"?
Thanks notch-
I broke down your coments and numbereed the lines to better understand them. The way you've arranged this piece allows me to see the problem with Line 3 & 4. I'll work on those as they are the critical turn toward Lines 5 & 6, which also need work.
Thanks again- your comments are very helpful.
...Mark
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Hi, Mark. This is definitely the best version so far -- the meter is steady. Personally, I prefer tetrameter or pentameter for more contemplative moods or serious topics. Trimeter adds a little levity and lends itself to comedy. However, there aren't any rules, just customs.
(01-19-2023, 06:52 AM)Mark A Becker Wrote: Passing Through With You
Some flowers don't smell pretty,
but bees don't seem to mind. -- Nice observation. Sets the bees up as a role model, of sorts: unfussy, adaptable.
Some days weren’t pretty either-
let's leave those all behind. -- Extrapolating from the bee observation, wouldn't it benefit the speaker more to become like the bees rather than search around for fields where there are only sweet smelling flowers?
The road ahead, uncertain, -- Uncertain is better than cloudy, but a bit generic since the future is never sure for any of us. It goes without saying, and it's kind of "telly." I think you can do better.
so what else can we find? -- "Can" leads me to believe that the speaker is done with flowers and wants to find other things. Maybe some wildlife or fungi. There's a sense of agency. If you changed "can" to "will," that would lend more of a "Que Sera Sera" feeling. Depends on what you're going for. Either works.
Inevitably, flowers- -- I like this idea of coming full circle (perhaps the impossibility of forever avoiding nature's stink), but "flowers" has been used already in the beginning. An idea I have is "lilies" -- they're associated with funerals and also resurrection, if you're into that kind of thing. But, there's a plethora of flowers that have been associated with death and rebirth.
will they be yours, or mine? -- Good ending, pun intended.
Overall, I'd say this poem is on the right path. 
I mustache you a question....
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Thanks snapper. I replaced “uncertain” with "now shortens"
ps. I thought that trimeter would add a bit of levity to a worrisome topic.
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Mark,
The piece is written very simply, which isn't bad at all, but I think the image borders very closely on cliche. A relationship being compared to a road or path. I think what saves the poem is how it explores the comparison, but I'm not too sure if it's explored enough. I guess in the end I'm wishing for a clearer image to balance out the commonness of its premise.
(01-19-2023, 06:52 AM)Mark A Becker Wrote: Passing Through With You
Some flowers don't smell pretty,
but bees don't seem to mind. love this observation and how it deepens the flowers/days comparison
Some days weren’t pretty either- I typically do a triple dash for an em dash
let's leave those all behind.
The road ahead now shortens,
so what else can we find?
Inevitably, flowers-
will they be yours, or mine? I'm actually not too sure what this question is asking if flowers were being compared to days spent together. I don't believe I'm stretching the simile too much since the poem is pretty short.
Best,
AR
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(08-23-2023, 05:15 AM)alonso ramoran Wrote: Inevitably, flowers-
will they be yours, or mine? I'm actually not too sure what this question is asking if flowers were being compared to days spent together. I don't believe I'm stretching the simile too much since the poem is pretty short.
Best,
AR
Thanks for looking in on this one Alonso-
Sorry though, the only explaining I'll do is to say that the flowers are literal flowers, not a simile. It'll come to you in time. If not, then hopefully some flowers will.
-Mark
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This poem is wonderful and charming. Its overall jaunty feeling is a fantastic contrast to the ending.
Some flowers don't smell pretty,
but bees don't seem to mind.
<I’d suggest axing the comma>
Some days weren’t pretty either-
let's leave those all behind.
<For me, “aren’t” works better here than “weren’t”. I suggest a period in place of a dash, to lend the ending dash a little more punch, and in my opinion “all those” reads more naturally than “those all”>
The road ahead now shortens,
so what else can we find?
<I believe “The road ahead’s now shorter” reads, again, a bit more naturally, and it might be worth considering trading the comma for a period and dropping “so” from the second line of this stanza. I know that interrupts the meter but for my money it’s a positive interruption that lends the return to the original meter in the final stanza an unspoken sense of fulfillment. Feel free to disagree. Wherever you land, “so” feels out place to me, if you had any thoughts about reworking that line>
Inevitably, flowers-
will they be yours, or mine?
<I understand the urge to plant a comma after “yours” but it might be a little too on the nose>
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