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April Takes a Walk* by brynmawr1 - Printable Version

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April Takes a Walk* by brynmawr1 - Quixilated - 06-03-2023

April Takes a Walk 

An old man walks with a shuffle,
his feet stirring the red-gold rustle
 
of dried leaves.  A low winter sun
casts a shadow, broad and long,
 
almost tickling his grand-daughter
up ahead.  She occasionally looks
 
back to see if he is still there,
but mostly she walks along, unaware 
 
of his smile.  Poking around with a stick
she finds a crocus newly broken through
 
the moist ground.  A purple tongue
getting its first taste of spring.


————
The original thread can be found here.


RE: April Takes a Walk* by brynmawr1 - Quixilated - 06-03-2023

Great job on this one!


RE: April Takes a Walk* by brynmawr1 - Wjames - 06-03-2023

This is beautiful, brynmawr - it is very difficult (for me at least) to use rhymes when there's no rhyme scheme, and this is excellent.


RE: April Takes a Walk* by brynmawr1 - TranquillityBase - 06-03-2023

(06-03-2023, 07:33 AM)Quixilated Wrote:  April Takes a Walk 

An old man walks with a shuffle,
his feet stirring the red-gold rustle
 
of dried leaves.  A low winter sun
casts a shadow, broad and long,
 
almost tickling his grand-daughter
up ahead.  She occasionally looks
 
back to see if he is still there,
but mostly she walks along, unaware 
 
of his smile.  Poking around with a stick
she finds a crocus newly broken through
 
the moist ground.  A purple tongue
getting its first taste of spring.


————
The original thread can be found here.
Congratulations Bryn.  Thanks for all the poems and critiques.
TqB


RE: April Takes a Walk* by brynmawr1 - brynmawr1 - 06-04-2023

Well, I don’t know what to say.  I’m honored and humbled to be in such company.  Thanks to everyone for all the generous time spent reading and critiquing.  Special thanks to Mark for helping me get out of my own way on this one. 
Bryn


RE: April Takes a Walk* by brynmawr1 - dukealien - 06-04-2023

Congratulations!  It is indeed a well-done and evocative piece:  deserved.


RE: April Takes a Walk* by brynmawr1 - Tiger the Lion - 06-04-2023

Well done Bryn. The journey from first draft shows nicely how a poem can be tweaked and not dismantled. It's always a tightrope. You walked this one really well. Congrats


RE: April Takes a Walk* by brynmawr1 - CRNDLSM - 06-05-2023

Glad to see you in here brynmawr! This is very nice walk to go on now and then. I'll come back to it again


RE: April Takes a Walk* by brynmawr1 - busker - 06-07-2023

This is sublime. Very well done.

What's there to write about spring and flowers and walks in the wood, you'd think
But the last line shows that you can still talk about old, familiar things in new, unfamiliar ways


RE: April Takes a Walk* by brynmawr1 - brynmawr1 - 06-08-2023

Thanks again to everyone for your kind words.  No one achieves anything alone.