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Geese - Miley - 03-16-2023
“I am fire and air; my other elements
I give to baser life”
– Cleopatra, "Antony and Cleopatra" (scene ii), by William Shakespeare
A Blizzard
like powdered amnesia
hushes land and sky--
horizon's lost all meaning.
This isn’t a noble place
but the soil is red
and sometimes the river freezes over in gold
like god is an artery cut through our centre
and still people work
descending through the days
like geese in perfect pitch
of pale plumes and snowfall.
Our history is the history of falling,
and violence,
and love,
the soil is red
and everywhere the earth screamed so loud
it lost its voice
again and again
I give to baser life.
RE: Geese - Mark A Becker - 03-17-2023
Hi Miley-
I'm not sure how to approach this one. The first three lines seem to be a poem all on their own, about geese.
The lines after that lose me- I'm sure they make sense in your head, but I find them difficult to follow.
(03-16-2023, 05:53 PM)Miley Wrote: “I am fire and air; my other elementsI need a much better sense of the place that you are talking about, and some imagery would help me out.
I give to baser life”
– Cleopatra, "Antony and Cleopatra" (scene ii), by William Shakespeare
Descend
in perfect pitch
of pale plumes and snowfall a nice little poem in these first lines
at last horizon’s lost not at all sure what 'at last horizon's' means, unless I read it as 'at last horizon has lost all meaning' - but that still is very unclear to me
all meaning this isn’t a noble place
but sometimes the river freezes over in gold the bolded phrase is beautiful
like god is an artery hard for me to picture this metaphor
cut through our centre and still
people work here like everywhere everyday
like geese it’s true I'm confused by the bolded part
our history is the history of falling I need a better sense of place here
and violence
and love everywhere the earth screamed so loud
it lost its voice again and again the bolded phrase is interesting, but I don't know what the earth is screamimg about.
I give to baser life 'give' or 'give in' ??
...Mark
RE: Geese - Miley - 03-17-2023
Thank you for the reply Mark, I appreciate it.
I get the sense my poem is opaque, and that the format/enjambment isn't helping. I made an edit, maybe a little too quiclyk haha, but I made an edit, and I tried to connect the dots a little for my readers. I'm sure its not there yet, but its on its way... thanks
I've always managed to somehow make the whole thing double-spaced, this isn't intentional! Though it dosn't look awful.
RE: Geese - Mark A Becker - 03-17-2023
(03-16-2023, 05:53 PM)Miley Wrote: GeeseWell, Miley, those first 3 lines are worth the price of admission. Please understand that words I've suggested are just that- suggestions. For me, the poem ends with the comparison of people to geese. I just get lost in the storm with what comes after that.
A blizzard no capital 'B'
like powdered amnesia
hushes land and sky-- this is a brilliant image !
horizon's lost all meaning. why did you italicize 'horizon's' ??
This isn’t a noble place
but the soil is red maybe 'though the soil's royal red' ??
and sometimes the river freezes over in gold
like god is an artery cut through our centre I'd lose 'an artery' since the river is gold, and ateries are red. Maybe 'God has cut... ??
and still people work 'people go to work' ?? or something like that, even though there's a blizzard
descending through the days maybe something more specific than 'through the days' like 'on the town'
like geese in perfect pitch
of pale plumes and snowfall. the poem ends here for me
Mark
RE: Geese - TranquillityBase - 03-17-2023
(03-16-2023, 05:53 PM)Miley Wrote: “I am fire and air; my other elements
I give to baser life”
– Cleopatra, "Antony and Cleopatra" (scene ii), by William Shakespeare
Descend
in perfect pitch
of pale plumes and snowfall
at last horizon’s lost
all meaning this isn’t a noble place
but sometimes the river freezes over in gold
like god is an artery
cut through our centre and still
people work here like everywhere everyday
like geese it’s true
our history is the history of falling
and violence
and love everywhere the earth screamed so loud
it lost its voice again and again
I give to baser life
This is actually a response to your original poem. I haven't read (yet) your conversations with Mark. Or the spoiler. Or the revision. So I may change my tune.
Anyway, I seized upon the Cleopatra reference, which led me to Egypt.
I read that geese were considered by the Egyptians to be sacred messengers from heaven to earth.
I didn't "understand" the original poem, but I was quite taken by it. Generally speaking, I prefer poems that I don't really understand completely. I like to feel I'm in the prescence of a mystery.
Now I will read your revision.
RE: Geese - TranquillityBase - 03-18-2023
(03-16-2023, 05:53 PM)Miley Wrote: “I am fire and air; my other elements
I give to baser life”
– Cleopatra, "Antony and Cleopatra" (scene ii), by William Shakespeare
A Blizzard
like powdered amnesia
hushes land and sky--
horizon's lost all meaning.
This isn’t a noble place
but the soil is red
and sometimes the river freezes over in gold
like god is an artery cut through our centre
and still people work
descending through the days
like geese in perfect pitch
of pale plumes and snowfall.
Our history is the history of falling,
and violence,
and love,
the soil is red
and everywhere the earth screamed so loud
it lost its voice
again and again
I give to baser life.
First off, I'm glad the spacing is happenstance. I do prefer it in single space.
Of course, they don't have blizzards in Egypt, so I am perhaps way off base in my Egypt reading. But it does have red soil and an arterial river. So you've go me over a barrel
It's also land that's lost its voice over and over. But if you're writing about upstate New York, it really doesn't matter. I'm still enjoying the hell out of my reading.The mystery is still there, and I'm very glad about that. Perfect last line, for me.
I guess, if anything, I'd suggest removing the epigraph, if you don't want people wandering off to Egypt. But if it's the inspiration for the poem, it should stay.
TqB
RE: Geese - alonso ramoran - 03-19-2023
Miley,
This was a very interesting read. I loved following the images and the ideas behind them. The first thing that strikes me is the poem's formatting. Were the spaces between the lines intentional or was it a pasting mistake? Would love to see a more condensed format of this poem. More comments below.
(03-16-2023, 05:53 PM)Miley Wrote: “I am fire and air; my other elements
I give to baser life”
– Cleopatra, "Antony and Cleopatra" (scene ii), by William Shakespeare
A Blizzard Why the capitalization?
like powdered amnesia The idea here is worth sticking to, but I wonder if "powdered" is the right descriptor when referring to a blizzard. Do we really need a word that describes the texture of a blizzard? How about the feel temperature-wise? E.g. "cold amnesia" or something to that effect.
hushes land and sky--
horizon's lost all meaning. Playing off of "amnesia", could you reword as "horizon's meaning is forgotten." or would that be too clumsy?
This isn’t a noble place
but the soil is red
and sometimes the river freezes over in gold
like god is an artery cut through our centre Love these 2 lines. The sound of it and the images are solid.
and still people work
descending through the days I feel like this simile is being stretched here. The choice to compare working people specifically to geese doesn't do anything for me. It feels random. With that being said, I feel like other titles for the poem might have to be considered.
like geese in perfect pitch
of pale plumes and snowfall.
Our history is the history of falling,
and violence,
and love,
the soil is red
and everywhere the earth screamed so loud This brings me back to S1L3 where the land and sky is being hushed. Is the horizon more defined and intense in this last stanza?
it lost its voice
again and again
I give to baser life.
RE: Geese - 71degrees - 03-20-2023
I live in a fly zone. Canada geese come and go by the thousands. They are intelligent creatures, driven by base instinct. I sense you are making some kind of connection to instinct here.
Even as the migration of geese is somewhat connected to history, the repetition of history is doomed to repeat. In violence. In the sheer folly of Man. I even see some Biblical connections in this poem. At least in my mind.
Keep working on it. Keep connecting those dots.
RE: Geese - Wjames - 05-07-2023
(03-16-2023, 05:53 PM)Miley Wrote: “I am fire and air; my other elementsI enjoyed reading this - I don't know if I really 'get it', but I don't know if that matters. I'm not overly familiar with Shakespeare outside of what little I read in High School, so that could impact my read as well.
I give to baser life”
– Cleopatra, "Antony and Cleopatra" (scene ii), by William Shakespeare
A Blizzard
like powdered amnesia
hushes land and sky--
horizon's lost all meaning. An interesting image and idea - there is only what is immediately in front of you in a blizzard, there is no distance or thought beyond the present. This opening is strengthend by the title and the rest of the poem - the blizzard is the flock of geese?
This isn’t a noble place
but the soil is red
and sometimes the river freezes over in gold
like god is an artery cut through our centre This sounds very nice - but I don't quite understand it. Is the river supposed to be god? I don't know if the reader is supposed to understand it - it is still good without a clear meaning.
and still people work
descending through the days
like geese in perfect pitch
of pale plumes and snowfall. This is very nice - I'm not sure if 'pitch' is the right word in the previous line, though. Is it supposed to mean the angle of descent? When I first read it my mind immediately went to music which sort of aligns with 'descending' but that doesn't really work in any other way.
Our history is the history of falling,
and violence,
and love,
the soil is red
and everywhere the earth screamed so loud
it lost its voice
again and again This is very nice.
I give to baser life. Interesting ending - are the geese baser life, or are we?
I think the poem has been dramatically improved since the version in the spoiler as well.
RE: Geese - Miley - 06-26-2023
thank you for the feedback everyone.
Yeah the river is like god, because the sun shines on it and it glows but its no longer in the sky, now god is in the land... something like that haha
Again, I appreciate the feedback, I wisH i had an edit!
RE: Geese - Knot - 06-26-2023
.
Hi Miley,
an enjoyable (if somewhat incomprehensible
) read.Geese
descend
in a perfect pitch ........................... echo of Heaney?
of pale plumes and snowfall. ............I think this is a much better opening (though you might not need this last line.)
A blizzard
– powdered amnesia –
hushes land and sky.
Sometimes the river freezes over
in gold, like god is an artery .......... should it be 'God'? Just asking.
cut through our centre .................. don't understand 'cut through'(doesn't seem to work with artery.)
horizon is without meaning.
The soil is red ............... spilled blood? Or the Red Land of ancient Egypt? (I can see how the Shakespeare might have prompted the poem, but is the quote still needed?)
Our history is the history of falling,
and violence,
and love,
the soil is red
but this is not a noble place
and everywhere the earth screamed
it lost its voice
again and again
I give to baser life. ........... I can't tie this to anything in the poem. It's the first mention of 'I'. Be nice if you could bring the geese back somehow (though 'again and again' threads back to 'amnesia'.)
Best, Knot
.
RE: Geese - Miley - 06-26-2023
Thank you knot, I (mostly ha) like your edit. You know… I haven’t read the Shakespeare that the quote is from, I just read that quote in another book (on alchemy) probably the same day I saw those geese and people driving to work, and it all made sense in a sort of synchronicity sort of way. It seems like the quote isn’t doing much for my poem, besides taking people to Egypt haha. I thought my *place/setting* would be universal, if such a place exist. Tranquil already pointed out that some places don’t have blizzards.
(06-26-2023, 10:10 PM)Knot Wrote: .
Hi Miley,
an enjoyable (if somewhat incomprehensible
Geese
descend
in a perfect pitch ........................... echo of Heaney?
of pale plumes and snowfall. ............I think this is a much better opening (though you might not need this last line.)
A blizzard
– powdered amnesia –
hushes land and sky.
Sometimes the river freezes over
in gold, like god is an artery .......... should it be 'God'? Just asking.
cut through our centre .................. don't understand 'cut through'(doesn't seem to work with artery.)
horizon is without meaning.
The soil is red ............... spilled blood? Or the Red Land of ancient Egypt? (I can see how the Shakespeare might have prompted the poem, but is the quote still needed?)
Our history is the history of falling,
and violence,
and love,
the soil is red
but this is not a noble place
and everywhere the earth screamed
it lost its voice
again and again
I give to baser life. ........... I can't tie this to anything in the poem. It's the first mention of 'I'. Be nice if you could bring the geese back somehow (though 'again and again' threads back to 'amnesia'.)
Best, Knot
.