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+--- Thread: Seven Days a Week (/thread-22325.html)
Seven Days a Week - ginaparaoan - 07-11-2019
SEVEN DAYS A WEEK
Monday night I looked up
Red lights created a mood
Tuesday night I looked up
Smog blurred the night
Wednesday night I looked up
Towers touched the Heavens
Thursday night I looked up
All dome was in dark hue
Friday night I looked up
Billboards made a noise
Saturday night I looked up
Jet streamed a line
Sunday night I looked up
Planes twinkled lights
Each day, each week
I take hurried steps
Never missing a moment
To survey the Regions
Where You dwell
I stop at familiar spots
Waiting for your epiphanies
But for the longest days
You escaped my vision
Has someone else
Caught your view?
I was melancholic
My heart jealous and curious
Have you changed your orbit?
Every night I see
A light above me
But my heart sinks!
Luminescence
Doesn’t stir
But when you appear
Radiant in the azure
New, crescent or full
Your beams cheer up
A tiresome day
I wonder
When you will see me again
RE: Seven Days a Week - billy - 07-11-2019
hi gina, this has the makings of a good poem. for me you have to make all or at least a fair few of of the couplets similes. by doing so you'll create imagary instead of just tellying us something, it's usually called show don't tell
an example for the first one and i'm sure you could do better but it is just an example:
Monday night I looked up
Red lights created a mood of oil on warm bodies
what i'm saying is just a suggestion but i do think it would flesh out the poem. i like that it's not cliche it makes for a better read.
(07-11-2019, 12:28 PM)ginaparaoan Wrote: SEVEN DAYS A WEEK
Monday night I looked up
Red lights created a mood
Tuesday night I looked up
Smog blurred the night
Wednesday night I looked up
Towers touched the Heavens
Thursday night I looked up
All dome was in dark hue
Friday night I looked up
Billboards made a noise
Saturday night I looked up
Jet streamed a line
Sunday night I looked up
Planes twinkled lights
Each day, each week
I take hurried steps
Never missing a moment
To survey the Regions
Where You dwell
I stop at familiar spots
Waiting for your epiphanies
But for the longest days
You escaped my vision
Has someone else
Caught your view?
I was melancholic
My heart jealous and curious
Have you changed your orbit?
Every night I see
A light above me
But my heart sinks!
Luminescence
Doesn’t stir
But when you appear
Radiant in the azure
New, crescent or full
Your beams cheer up
A tiresome day
I wonder
When you will see me again
RE: Seven Days a Week - Shelleshell13 - 07-11-2019
Hi Gina,
This poem really worked for me, I found it intriguing. I got tripped up by the second half but was pleasantly surprised when I finished and understood the picture you were painting. I think it's a great start!
Couple of notes:
For Thursday, the line "all dome was in dark hue" was too obscure for me. The rest of the imagery was concrete to that point and the syntax threw me a bit as well, so I didn't quite follow you there. After reading through the end, the line made more sense, but I'd like it to be a little less forced-- maybe just "Thursday night I looked up / A dome dark and empty". And it might be more powerful to have that be your Sunday night line. One other minor thing is you have back to back imagery of planes in the sky on Saturday and Sunday. Maybe choose one and come up with something totally different to fill out the list of observations. Finally, I agree with the other poster that some more imagery could really improve the poem-- I like the succinctness of it all, so I would understand if you don't want to use similes which get a but longer, but even adding short descriptors like "Jet streamed a fuzzy line" could help.
Anyhow, I hope that helps! Enjoyed the poem.
RE: Seven Days a Week - Seraphim - 07-11-2019
I forget which poet said that we have to kill off all our ‘little darlings’ as we edit, and eliminate that which isn’t really necessary to the message. While repetition is essential to poetry, imo, 7 opening couplets slowed me down to the point of not wanting to continue, and they didn’t add anything to the poem for me. Here’s where I think your poem exists:
Each day, each week
I take hurried steps
Never missing a moment
To survey the Regions
Where You dwell
I stop at familiar spots
Waiting for [s]your epiphanies[\s]
But for the longest days
You escaped my vision
Has someone else
Caught your view?
I was melancholic
My heart jealous and curious
Have you changed your orbit?
Every night I see
A light above me
But my heart sinks!
Luminescence
Doesn’t stir
But when you appear
Radiant in the azure
New, crescent or full
Your beams cheer up
A tiresome day
by simply editing the poem now has a strong beginning and ending. Look forward to seeing what you do with it.