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A curious snippet had lunch with a cricket
they eat moth ball and mushroom pie.
Mr Snail the waiter came two hours later
with a drink that could close one eye

Now these snippets are prone, if they are left alone
to finding small pieces of cheese
when the cricket partook and his other eye shut
snippet lap danced a re verse strip tease.

but the problem you see and I say this with glee
is that cricket finally came round
and there in his lap the snippet was sat
by seven jumpers, four bras she was bound

Cricket jumped up and his fist he shook
at the clothes ball that lay on the floor
overgarment all gone screamed what have you done
his mistake was to close the door

with madness afoot Miss Snippet jumped up
and swigged on her eye closing brew
they set off in a dance called lost underpants
and from that moment on they just new

Blue bells chimed just in time
as the cockroach arrived at the gate
with snail as the vicar it could have gone quicker
they swapped rings at a quarter too eight

The weather was mild and she heavey with child
felt the urge to call for the cricket
he brought water she gave birth to a daughter
a beautiful two ounch snicket

1st one
A curious snippet had lunch with a cricket
they eat moth ball and mushroom pie
Mr snail the waiter two hours later
brought a drink that closed one eye

Now snippets are proun when left alone
to finding small pieces of cheese
when cricket partook his other eye shut
snippet lap danced a curious strip teaseTongue
Hah! I like it.
curious indeed.

Well I know it's all in fun but I've put some thoughts below anyway.

(12-11-2012, 08:05 AM)TimeOnMyHands Wrote: [ -> ]A curious snippet had lunch with a cricket
they eat moth ball and mushroom pie
Mr snail the waiter two hours later
brought a drink that closed one eye loved this line, made me think of lemon juice or something tart

Now snippets are proun when left alone did you mean prone?
to finding small pieces of cheese
when cricket partook his other eye shut
snippet lap danced a curious strip teaseTongue not sure about curious being repeated here, can you use a word that somehow strikes a silly contrast?
no critique unless asked for in the for fun forum Wink :0

tomh, i think you have a sick mind.
(12-11-2012, 09:25 AM)billy Wrote: [ -> ]no critique unless asked for in the for fun forum Wink :0

tomh, i think you have a sick mind.

Billy I know this is posted in Fun but could you correct my spelling and offer a suggestion for the last line please. Thanks TOMH.Smile

PS hope the sick mind edit works
(12-11-2012, 08:05 AM)TimeOnMyHands Wrote: [ -> ]Edit

A curious snippet had lunch with a cricket
they eat moth ball and mushroom pie
Mr snail the waiter two hours later
brought a drink that closed one eye

Now snippets are prone when left alone
to finding small pieces of cheese
when cricket partook his other eye shut
snippet lap danced a reverse strip teaseTongue
as a rhyme i'd sort out the meter;

A curious snippet had lunch with a cricket
they eat moth ball and mushroom pie.
Mr snail the waiter came two hours later
with a drink that could close one eye

Now these snippets are prone, if they are left alone
to finding small pieces of cheese
when the cricket partook and his other eye shut
snippet lap danced a re verse strip tease.

i thought fuck it and rewrote the bastard Hysterical
(12-11-2012, 10:06 AM)billy Wrote: [ -> ]
(12-11-2012, 08:05 AM)TimeOnMyHands Wrote: [ -> ]Edit

A curious snippet had lunch with a cricket
they eat moth ball and mushroom pie
Mr snail the waiter two hours later
brought a drink that closed one eye

Now snippets are prone when left alone
to finding small pieces of cheese
when cricket partook his other eye shut
snippet lap danced a reverse strip teaseTongue
as a rhyme i'd sort out the meter;

A curious snippet had lunch with a cricket
they eat moth ball and mushroom pie. Mmm sounds nice
Mr snail the waiter came two hours later should be Snail
with a drink that could close one eye love this line querky
Now these snippets are prone, if they are left alone
to finding small pieces of cheese
when the cricket partook and his other eye shut like change it brings in the last line better
snippet lap danced a re verse strip tease.

i thought fuck it and rewrote the bastard Hysterical not sure this last line works the Rhyme feel off Hysterical

All said I really like what youvee done with the edit, thanks for the read.Wink
Hysterical

it's like you're me Big Grin.