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Wo_ozz

I often hear about love at first sight..
Some people like to believe it's the only kind of love that will forever last.
But isn't becoming infatuated with someone at eye contact like handing your soul to the devil without a signed contract?

I don't know much about love,
But at some point everybody gets that one feeling that they can't get rid of.
All it takes is one person to make you feel fragile,
And like Sean Kingston said, a beautiful girl could have you suicidal.

I remember that night, when she caught my attention spontaneously..
She had the ability to excite and give me stage fright simultaneously.
I thought if i approached her and played my cards right, maybe she'll be mine..
Or at least i might stay on her mind overnight, but i figured she was probably too smart to fall for my punch line.

You can say she had my mind gone from the start and a simple "hello" from her would've been the correct cure.
Or maybe she'll resent me and that'd be too much pain for the heart,
But i won't stop trying until i put together the perfect picture,
Where it's just me and her.
Hi Wo_ozz

At first sight (excuse the pun ..i'm in one of those daft moods) I'm sory to say that the look of the poem was pehaps a bit messy in respect of the visual appeal. This is not nessasaritly a problem, just a first thought that struck me. The three longer lines look like they should be divided in half. Perhaps a re-work to trim out some of the extra words and make it more condensed.

On reading I did like the story and the thought ideas and you kept nicly to the subject all the way through.
But i found the telling a bit on the narative side and felt that it would be improved with a little structure and perhaps a few more rhymes or some other poetic devise to enhance the flow of the read.
Although I did particularly like attention spontaneously coupled with stage fright simultaneously. That was smooth and sweet on the ear.
For me the third stanza was the strongest, even with the longer last line.
Thanks for shareing and as ever i mention that i don't offer any thought as an expert, so try to take my advise or suggestion as just that, and keep allowing your inner vioce and heart to speak and have confidance in what you have to say.
this is the for fun forum Wink only give feedback if you're certain it's what the poet wants. other than that just leave an easy reply (this is not a reprimand Big Grin) /admin
(11-26-2012, 09:20 AM)billy Wrote: [ -> ]this is the for fun forum Wink only give feedback if you're certain it's what the poet wants. other than that just leave an easy reply (this is not a reprimand Big Grin) /admin
Oh sorry about that did not spot which pg I was on.
Appoligies to you as well Wo_ozz
Very sweet

Black Jade x
(11-29-2012, 05:13 AM)cidermaid Wrote: [ -> ]
(11-26-2012, 09:20 AM)billy Wrote: [ -> ]this is the for fun forum Wink only give feedback if you're certain it's what the poet wants. other than that just leave an easy reply (this is not a reprimand Big Grin) /admin
Oh sorry about that did not spot which pg I was on.
Appoligies to you as well Wo_ozz
no worries, everyone does it Big Grin
[/quote]Stupid love making everyone stupidier and all. stupid mumble mumble love mumbel grrrrrrr.
Oh sorry bout that got a bit lost in my head. Dodgy Wierd place.
Anyway good stuff mate I'm sure most can relate.