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I have hurt feelings.
My soul has feelings about my feelings that have been hurt
Which may also be hurt.
I wonder about this, at tedious length.

Darkness and despair.
Something about the moon, pain. Hell, probably.
Certainly something about the shortcomings of another.
Possibly something about my own.
Let's end some lines with words ending in -ion.
Let's add some profanity, so you know I'm serious.
(My soul is serious.)

More adjectives, because I am no simple noun.
(Unlike your face.)
(You cunt.)
so you're talking to me then Hysterical
Sure, it's funny and flippant (those are often signs of intelligence in my book) but it doesn't mean that it can't be tightened a bit to make some concessions to logic and language. I do like it much. The title is appropriate. I was about to leave the page when I saw the second line begin with your soul. Thankfully it didn't go that way. As long as it shows thoughtfulness, I prefer a witty poem to a dry any day. That said, just a couple of edits. Moving a line to place the modified more directly in the path of the modifier. Also the ending I strongly suggest to change "your face" to "you." "Your face" is more a playground insult, whereas to call someone a "cunt" is to literally objectify them... to make them a noun. It puts some teeth into the ending rather than deflecting the blow.

I have hurt feelings.
My soul
Which may also be hurt.
Has feelings about my feelings
That may or may not
Have been hurt.
I wonder about this, at tedious length.

Darkness and despair.
Something about the moon, pain. Hell, probably.
Certainly something about the shortcomings of another.
Possibly something about my own.
Let's end some lines with words ending in -ion.
Let's add some profanity, so you know I'm serious.
(My soul is serious.)

More adjectives, because I am no simple noun.
Unlike you
You cunt.
hi braggerman, this is the fun forum where people just post cos they can. the feedback can be more of a rhetorical wretch or guffaw. a bit of a haven really from the hardship of the crit forums. don't be pissed at me for letting you know though, i've made the same mistake on numerous occasions. Big Grin
Thanks for the feedback. I think I'll stick with the ending, as given the flippant tone of the rest of the poem, ending it so heavily would seem a bit odd to me. I was going more for an effect like http://xkcd.com/75/

I've changed the poem a fair bit since posting it here. I do like your suggestion about breaking up the lines in the first stanza, and might run with it. I think your version of the stanza reads better, though I'll keep my phrasing (your very reasonable objection notwithstanding).

Cheers,


-pk

(08-16-2012, 12:50 PM)braggman Wrote: [ -> ]Sure, it's funny and flippant (those are often signs of intelligence in my book) but it doesn't mean that it can't be tightened a bit to make some concessions to logic and language. I do like it much. The title is appropriate. I was about to leave the page when I saw the second line begin with your soul. Thankfully it didn't go that way. As long as it shows thoughtfulness, I prefer a witty poem to a dry any day. That said, just a couple of edits. Moving a line to place the modified more directly in the path of the modifier. Also the ending I strongly suggest to change "your face" to "you." "Your face" is more a playground insult, whereas to call someone a "cunt" is to literally objectify them... to make them a noun. It puts some teeth into the ending rather than deflecting the blow.
IMO the flippancy makes the poem..gives it a edge an attitude that makes it stand out

yeah i really liked this Smile