Every station plays static like a gentle storm
that could wake us with an encouragement
to stay inside—me listening to music,
you enveloped in a book, and curled in our own blankets.
The pulse of conversations spanning countries
has gone from what lines of communication remain.
There is always something to be said,
so when there is nothing being said, the air around us
settles in our wordlessness, and sometimes we can hear
a blue jay calling from a dormant power line.
(03-13-2023, 08:03 AM)Velasco Wrote: [ -> ]Every station emits static like a gentle storm station seems vague in the general context of the poem and 'gentle' doesn't follow to 'woken' and 'stay inside'
that would have woken and encouraged us
to stay inside—me listening to music,
you enveloped in a book, each curled in our own blankets. Nice subtle setup of separation
The pulse of conversations spanning countries
has gone from what power lines remain.
There's always something to be said,
so when there's nothing being said, the air between us Great ironic? interplay in these lines.
becomes too sacred to form into words and we can hear everything before and after is great but this phrase just doesn't seem right. I feel like it should end at 'sacred' but don't have a great suggestion for how to change it. Something that follows from 'sacred'
a blue jay calling from a dormant cable.
Hi Velasco,
Very nice work. When I first read it I thought is was a poetic response to TqB's question about showing vs telling. Maybe it is! Either way a nice example of showing and maybe a little telling. I hope you find something useful in my comments.
bryn
Thank you everyone for the feedback!
brynmawr1,
It wasn't a response, but I found that there were some nice connections in imagery with TqB's poem "Silent Response" XD
Mark,
How would you suggest I reword L5-6?
(03-15-2023, 03:11 AM)Velasco Wrote: [ -> ]How would you suggest I reword L5-6?
Hello again Velasco-
First let me say that I think you've produced an oddly romantic dystopian piece, and I mean that in a good way.
I would not presume to alter your work, but since you asked, I'll give it a shot. I'll need to do it in context of other suggestions that have been made, which causes slight changes, but you will note that these are not wholesale changes. Let's call em loving modifications that I don't think alter your message.
Every station emits static, like a gentle storm
that encouraged us to stay inside—me listening to music,
you enveloped in a book;
us curled in our blankets.
The pulse of conversations spanning countries
has
slowed along the lines of communication that remain.
There
was always something to be said,
so when there's nothing being said, the air between us
becomes sacred, and we can hear
a blue jay calling _______.
I'd prefer to read it as something like "... in the distance". 'dormant cable' just sounds out of balance to me. I mean that literally, too: the meaning of 'dormant cable' is clear, but the sound of the words just seem off to me when I read it. 'in the distance' isn't so hot either, and is merely a suggestion, and I'll bet you can come with something much better. You have this one very close to completion, Velasco, and I'm pulling for you.
... Mark
(03-13-2023, 08:03 AM)Velasco Wrote: [ -> ]Every station emits static like a gentle storm not a critique, but I love radio noise. Dosn't the static have something to do with the earths magnetic field? I thought I read that once. The storm of static is a nice image (sound)
that would have woken and encouraged us I don’t really understand this line, at-least not like the others. Why is it “would have” and woken… unless the n is dead or something ?!
to stay inside—me listening to music,
you enveloped in a book, and curled in our own blankets. Why is it “me/you” instead of “i’m/you’re.”
“Our own blankets” made me pause, because of the emphasis on “own” which felt very deliberate.
The pulse of conversations spanning countries
has gone from what power lines remain.
There's always something to be said,
so when there's nothing being said, the air between us
becomes too sacred to form into words and we can hear consider replacing “to form into” with “for” it reads smoother, though maybe at the cost of having the air feel less mutable.
a blue jay calling from a dormant cable.
Thank you for sharing this poem. The post apocalyptic setting is fairly evident, and the approach to sounds, or lack of is compelling. I apologize for my clumsy read/critique haha. I think you set up for a really killer ending in the last stanza but I find the last couple lines a little underwhelming. Like a little forced or poetic or something.
Hi all,
Deeply appreciate your feedback. I hope this draft does justice to your critiques.
Best,
Alex