Poetry Forum

So long         we’ve known
 
       each other          feeling

             the pull            of our attraction

orbits separated

                    never destined

to meet     we dance

                                  only

             sun-lit face        I see

        haunting        shadows behind

a silvered countenance        our touch

                     the end             of us

         such an end

                   it would be

---

My use of white space is terrible but thought I would give it a try.

(01-25-2023, 09:16 AM)brynmawr1 Wrote: [ -> ]So long         we’ve known
 
       each other           feeling*

                     the pull        of our attraction*

orbits separated       
                             never destined*

to meet     we dance    
                                  all is*                  all is what?  all is sun-lit face?  your sun-lit face?

             sun-lit face        I see             if it's the partner's sun-lit face, I think you could lose "I see"

        haunted by         
                           shadows behind

a silvered countenance        our touch

                               the end             of us*

such an end               
                    it would be*

---

My use of white space is terrible but thought I would give it a try.

I'm no expert on the use of white space, but I tinkered with yours anyway      (*=a line I altered in some way)

I don't think it's terrible.  I've only done a few so far, and I think it's kind of liberating to have the option.  I decided to try it after reading some e.e. cummings.

(01-25-2023, 11:17 AM)TranquillityBase Wrote: [ -> ]

(01-25-2023, 09:16 AM)brynmawr1 Wrote: [ -> ]So long         we’ve known
 
       each other           feeling*

                     the pull        of our attraction*

orbits separated       
                             never destined*

to meet     we dance    
                                  all is*                  all is what?  all is sun-lit face?  your sun-lit face?

             sun-lit face        I see             if it's the partner's sun-lit face, I think you could lose "I see"

        haunted by         
                           shadows behind

a silvered countenance        our touch

                               the end             of us*

such an end               
                    it would be*

---

My use of white space is terrible but thought I would give it a try.

I'm no expert on the use of white space, but I tinkered with yours anyway      (*=a line I altered in some way)

I don't think it's terrible.  I've only done a few so far, and I think it's kind of liberating to have the option.  I decided to try it after reading some e.e. cummings.

Hey,
I decided to try it after reading some TqB!  The 'all is' 'I see' linkage would work better if I was more clever with what follows.  I like your line changes though.  I will work on the middle section. Thanks.
Steve