I started this a couple of days ago and have no ambition to keep it going. So I figured this is a good one to post for critiques.
(1-19-23)
moons shine
and suns rise
as stars wind upward
vines thrive
we stay alive and drink
down to an empty cupboard
(01-19-2023, 12:58 AM)burrealist Wrote: [ -> ]I started this a couple of days ago and have no ambition to keep it going. So I figured this is a good one to post for critiques.
and the moons shine
and the suns rise
and the stars go and rest I think the stars should do something more active....burn?
as the wines thrive
we stay alive and drink
down to an empty chalice "chalice" seems to fancy to me; goblet, cup? I like "cup" best as it maintains the single syllable pattern of all the previous lines.
I think it's a pretty complete poem as is. Doesn't feel like a fragment.
I like how the 'moons' and 'suns' is a reference to time, not alient planets.
I like the 'shine' / 'rise' part-rhyme.
I'd prefer 'vines' to 'wines', but otherwise it reads fine to me.
(01-19-2023, 12:58 AM)burrealist Wrote: [ -> ]I started this a couple of days ago and have no ambition to keep it going. So I figured this is a good one to post for critiques.
and the moons shine
and the suns rise
and the stars go and rest
as the wines thrive
we stay alive and drink
down to an empty chalice
Hi burr-
The bolded part needs work.
'chalice' seems too archaic, but should be easy to fix.
That said, I am a BIG FAN of short poems. The trouble with them is that every word counts- leaving out the superflous ones is where I'd start.
Please find the ambition to keep it going- you may be surprised with how it turns out.
Mark
I like the "vines" change.
As far as the word "chalice", if I change it to "cup", then I want to consider what "rest" can be changed to for either a rhyme or slight rhyme.
Now my problem is with the phrase "stay alive". It doesn't seem to go in the same direction the rest of the poem is going.
Hello again b.realist,
‘pass’ and ‘glass’ would work vs ‘rest’ and ‘chalice’.
I suggest ‘over head’ to follow the line about stars.
Maybe just ‘grape vines’, then something about ‘wines’.
The ‘stay alive’ part is just telling without showing, and messes up the images for me.
I’m confident that you’ll get to the ‘empty ???’ ending with a bit more work.
Mark