gray sky, thin
a leastwise sun, a splattered silver peso behind
clouds over head
between eyes and cerulean promise
imagined
sentience around us
but we fail
when we touch ground
feet like death’s glue
restless scars itch to tell
unending green stories
against revolving
surrender
(01-08-2023, 02:12 AM)TranquillityBase Wrote: [ -> ] gray sky, thin as a
leastwise sun splatters a silver peso behind cloud
over head
between eyes and cerulean promise
we imagine
sentience around us
but fail
when we touch ground
feet like death’s glue
a thousand glances long
crossed against rotting wood, dead grass
simply told
restless scars itch to tell
unending green stories
versus crow eyed, revolving
surrender
The section I highlighted is simply delicious phrasing. The white space used to enjamb "itch" and "to tell" is perfect. It takes "scars" from a regular noun into a personified noun with almost no effort. Well done. I like to play with white space and line breaks so it's super obvious to me when it's done well. Anyway. I meant the entire phrase. not just that one highlight. It's Haikuish by itself.
(01-08-2023, 02:12 AM)TranquillityBase Wrote: [ -> ] gray sky, thin as a not a strong line end
a leastwise sun splatters a silver peso behind cloud
cloud over head
between eyes and cerulean promises
we imagine
sentience around us
but fail
when we touch ground
feet like death’s glue love 'death's glue'
a thousand glances long
long crossed
against rotting wood, dead grass
simply told
restless scars itch to tell
unending green stories
versus crow eyed what?, revolving I felt like you need something more here to compete the vs
surrender
I love the lyric quality and use of white space. Not sure how I feel about the intermittent use of punctuation. I made some line break and other suggestions but you could play with them forever depending on the emphasis.
Take care,
steve
Hi Tim-
This poem is spread out like the land under the sky over Texas, and it's a very cool experiment of yours.
sun splattered silver peso behind cloud
over 'cloud over' ? Seems like you went singular to avoid 'cloud cover', and disrupts my reading. 'clouds over' , I think would would work better- the space between 'over' and 'head' is good: implies clouds.
cerulean promise sounds so cool when spoken out loud
we imagine Please don't tell me what to imagine. Either change 'we' to 'I' , or lose this line- the telling is interupting the showing.
death’s glue this // double accent spondee works well
death’s glue, a thousand glances long death can't 'glue' and 'glance' at the same time : the mixed metaphor throws glue in my eye. Maybe 'death's glue pulling against rotting wood' ? and just leave out the glancing part.
simply told lose this thow-away line as it adds nothing. This telling once again interupts the showing- present the images unobstructed.
restless scars itch to tell
unending green stories this line is simply fantastic
versus crow eyed, revolving surrender 'versus crow eyed' needs to be re-thought, as it confuses and blows the ending for me. 'revolving surrender' must stay, though.
Thanks for this one, Tim- only a couple tweeks away from done,
Mark
Thanks Bryn and Mark. Edited version posted. Another experiment in spacing about to be posted as well.
I think a space between the lines "but we fail" and "when we touch the ground" (instead of just a line-break) might enhance the flow.
gray sky, thin
a leastwise sun, a splattered silver peso behind
clouds over head
between eyes and cerulean promise
imagined
sentience around us
but we fail
when we touch ground
feet like death’s glue
restless scars itch to tell
unending green stories
against revolving
surrender
I put some spaces where line-breaks were, just to see what you think of it.
(01-18-2023, 04:02 AM)burrealist Wrote: [ -> ]I think a space between the lines "but we fail" and "when we touch the ground" (instead of just a line-break) might enhance the flow.
gray sky, thin
a leastwise sun, a splattered silver peso behind
clouds over head
between eyes and cerulean promise
imagined
sentience around us
but we fail
when we touch ground
feet like death’s glue
restless scars itch to tell
unending green stories
against revolving
surrender
I put some spaces where line-breaks were, just to see what you think of it.
Hi Burrealist,
I like what you did. I think I will adopt it.
TqB
Awesome! Now it's even more spacey.
Love an image like 'death's glue'...puts me there.
'Restless scars' (a bit of cliche...all scars itch) immediately following takes me back out.
I like a challenging format. Thanks for the read.