Summer bored, even heat and humidity on vacation,
a burnt orange Buddhist stands at our path’s bifurcation.
Face leathered with wisdom, he offers gold medallions
his silence doing the talking. We flow like cool water
following its course to the glow of a seventies sun,
Ms. Gaynor proclaiming both she and disco aren't done.
We watch children play soccer in a dance of Brownian motion
and the multitude diffuse tethered to the companion
of their choosing. None but we notice the shadow
of the falling leaf, a simple grey-scale butterfly
fervently chasing the last husks of summer.
(08-17-2022, 09:56 PM)TranquillityBase Wrote: [ -> ] (08-17-2022, 10:07 AM)brynmawr1 Wrote: [ -> ]Summer bored, with heat and humidity on vacation,
a burnt orange Buddhist stands at our path’s bifurcation.
Face leathered with wisdom, he offers gold medallions
but his silence does the talking. We flow like cool water
following its course to the glow of a seventies sun,
Ms. Gaynor proclaiming both she and disco will survive.
Children play soccer in a dance of Brownian motion
and the multitude diffuse tethered to the companion
of their choosing; none could be as serene as the shadow
of a falling leaf, a grey-scale butterfly fluttering
fervently, following its sure path to meet its maker.
This one is really packed with piquant observation; good job.
Three things I wasn't sure about: "Brownian motion" I don't know how to interpret; is the "none" in line 9 meant to refer to all the previous observations? I think only the Buddhist and the "We flow like...." line would be what I'd see as serene; the children playing soccer would be in noisy motion. Finally, I think "meet its maker" in last line is too cliche.
Tim
Hi again,
Thanks for reading both. With the kids I was trying to capture the random, disordered way young athletes tend to move about the field; yes, to your second question. As you can tell, I struggled to find a good sequitur to the shadow imagery to link it together. I was hoping to get away with the last phrase as here it is a literal observation of the shadow and the leaf coming together when it hits the ground while drawing in the second implication of the spiritual meaning. I'll see what I can do to tweak it.
Thanks again,
steve
(08-19-2022, 06:15 AM)TranquillityBase Wrote: [ -> ] (08-17-2022, 10:38 PM)brynmawr1 Wrote: [ -> ]Hi again,
Thanks for reading both. With the kids I was trying to capture the random, disordered way young athletes tend to move about the field; yes, to your second question. As you can tell, I struggled to find a good sequitur to the shadow imagery to link it together. I was hoping to get away with the last phrase as here it is a literal observation of the shadow and the leaf coming together when it hits the ground while drawing in the second implication of the spiritual meaning. I'll see what I can do to tweak it.
Thanks again,
steve
I should have looked up "Brownian motion" (I'm a science illiterate). I think the serenity would work better if you were to somehow indicate you could see the soccer, but not hear it, that is, if it were happening in the distance. I think if the butterfly didn't interrupt, the "meet your maker" would work better. By the time I got there, I'd forgotten the shadow.
And about that title....
But really, it's fine work, my quibbling aside.
Hi Tim,
And I am a science nerd trying to wake up my right brain. Part of my issue is I am trying to constrain myself to 14 syllables per line, or at least make it consistent. Maybe a little fudging here and there might not be too bad. I did have "nearby" in front of children but cut it to get the meter to work. The serenity, to be honest, was a last minute idea trying to contrast the randomness of the other "characters" including the narrator to the singular purpose of the shadow. I was aware it was a stretch and it isn't working that well. To me, the shadow is the heart of the poem and I have to figure out how to give it its due.
Ha! The title is a little bit of self indulgence. Also 14 syllables. I will work on it.
Thank you for your continued comments.
steve
(08-19-2022, 09:32 PM)TranquillityBase Wrote: [ -> ] (08-17-2022, 10:07 AM)brynmawr1 Wrote: [ -> ]Summer bored, with heat and humidity on vacation,
a burnt orange Buddhist stands at our path’s bifurcation.
Face leathered with wisdom, he offers gold medallions
his silence doing the talking. We flow like cool water
following its course to the glow of a seventies sun,
Ms. Gaynor proclaiming both she and disco are surviving.
We watch children play soccer in a dance of Brownian motion
and the multitude diffuse tethered to the companion
of their choosing. None but we notice the shadow
of the falling leaf, a simple grey-scale butterfly
fervently following its sure path to lie with its maker.
Your edit has cinched it for this reader, although I think "will survive" should be put back for Ms. Gaynor. I finally realized the leaf and butterfly were one and the same.
Thanks for sharing.
Thanks for helping me work through it.
(08-17-2022, 10:07 AM)brynmawr1 Wrote: [ -> ]Summer bored, with heat and humidity on vacation,
a burnt orange Buddhist stands at our path’s bifurcation. I like burnt orange as a color, reminds me of the 'burnt buddhist'
Face leathered with wisdom, he offers gold medallions
his silence doing the talking. We flow like cool water
following its course to the glow of a seventies sun, is it seventies because this is in the past, because the seventies are 'cooler' because of style or because of global warming now... All the above
Ms. Gaynor proclaiming both she and disco will survive.
We watch children play soccer in a dance of Brownian motion
and the multitude diffuse tethered to the companion ssometimes things take on an extra stillness in a chaotic setting,
of their choosing. None but we notice the shadow
of the falling leaf, a simple grey-scale butterfly
fervently following its sure path to lie with its maker. Butterfly's do seem frantic when they fly even though they're supposed to be quiet peaceful images.
I liked the format about the one word on the line, vacation, bifurcation, then my screen refreshed and put more words on the line so I didn't think it was on purpose. Either way you set up the scene nicely and direct my attention in a pleasant way.
(08-17-2022, 10:07 AM)brynmawr1 Wrote: [ -> ]Summer bored, with heat and humidity on vacation,
a burnt orange Buddhist stands at our path’s bifurcation. .. the saffron robes, the tanned, orange brown skin...and the enigmatic bifurcation
Face leathered with wisdom, he offers gold medallions .... goes well with the 'burnt orange'. Could be marigolds. Works.
his silence doing the talking. We flow like cool water ....a nice contrast to the heat and humidity
following its course to the glow of a seventies sun, ....probably because of the buddhist...but orange...gold....sun is a good progression
Ms. Gaynor proclaiming both she and disco will survive.
We watch children play soccer in a dance of Brownian motion ....my favourite line here
and the multitude diffuse tethered to the companion ... fine and accurate
of their choosing. None but we notice the shadow
of the falling leaf, a simple grey-scale butterfly ....good detail
fervently following its sure path to lie with its maker.
This is a very well done 'slice of life' poem.
I wasn't expecting 'its maker' at the end, and that spoiled the poem a little bit for me, because while the rest of the poem is all about neutral observation, this last word suddenly introduces an element of belief without the groundwork being laid.
Loved everything else, particularly the parts in bold above - these are original, fine images.
(08-20-2022, 03:03 PM)busker Wrote: [ -> ] (08-17-2022, 10:07 AM)brynmawr1 Wrote: [ -> ]Summer bored, with heat and humidity on vacation,
a burnt orange Buddhist stands at our path’s bifurcation. .. the saffron robes, the tanned, orange brown skin...and the enigmatic bifurcation
Face leathered with wisdom, he offers gold medallions .... goes well with the 'burnt orange'. Could be marigolds. Works.
his silence doing the talking. We flow like cool water ....a nice contrast to the heat and humidity
following its course to the glow of a seventies sun, ....probably because of the buddhist...but orange...gold....sun is a good progression
Ms. Gaynor proclaiming both she and disco will survive.
We watch children play soccer in a dance of Brownian motion ....my favourite line here
and the multitude diffuse tethered to the companion ... fine and accurate
of their choosing. None but we notice the shadow
of the falling leaf, a simple grey-scale butterfly ....good detail
fervently following its sure path to lie with its maker.
This is a very well done 'slice of life' poem.
I wasn't expecting 'its maker' at the end, and that spoiled the poem a little bit for me, because while the rest of the poem is all about neutral observation, this last word suddenly introduces an element of belief without the groundwork being laid.
Loved everything else, particularly the parts in bold above - these are original, fine images.
Hi Busker,
Glad you liked (most of) the poem. I see your point about the religious connotation of the last line. I found it interesting because it is really a literal description with the spritual being the double meaning here. I tried to soften it after TqB's comments. I will give it some more thought, maybe "join its maker"? One of the main contrasts I was trying to illuminate is that between the milling about/unordered movement of the other characters (including the narrator to a degree) and the singular movement of the shadow. To what end, I am not entirely sure, another layer of the onion to consider.
Thanks again for your nice words and insight.