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Full Version: Futilism
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Callice hands shape
limestone stacks,
tanned backs
bend to their curvature


Pale chandelier,
dangling in a sapphire
over the sun’s fire–
callice hands
depicted in boulder


The spiral staircase
ascending higher and higher

Callice hands
climbing each other
eternally.
I like it. S3 seems a bit heavy-handed and preachy with its summation. The abstraction is sticking out. Can you work with it more to find the right imagery to make the “point”? L1 and 2 need images showing cause and effect of some kind, or I’m picturing the symbol of a circle or something. There must be something to show and not tell what you mean. You might even leave it out, but there wouldn’t be anything to rhyme with evermore.

If you leave it in, add something like “leads to the creation of another” for L2 because you have “completion of one” and “destruction of the one”, so “to another” doesn’t fit and is a bit unclear.
(06-22-2022, 06:03 PM)Torkelburger Wrote: [ -> ]I like it.  S3 seems a bit heavy-handed and preachy with its summation.  The abstraction is sticking out.  Can you work with it more to find the right imagery to make the “point”?  L1 and 2 need images showing cause and effect of some kind, or I’m picturing the symbol of a circle or something.  There must be something to show and not tell what you mean.  You might even leave it out, but there wouldn’t be anything to rhyme with evermore.

If you leave it in, add something like “leads to the creation of another” for L2 because you have “completion of one” and “destruction of the one”, so “to another” doesn’t fit and is a bit unclear.

Yeah, I agree, that last bit was preachy. Sometimes I have to throw something stupid in my poems so I can go back and revise it with a level head later. Thanks for the advice.