Hey Steve-
Some in-line comments, below:
Sunday Morning
Land and sea, While this line brackets the piece, I feel it is a tad too sparse. That said, it is important, as it establishes the setting.
back to chest,
a tender embrace.
Morning light’s lazy caress on tranquil tides, We already know it's morning from the title
time stretches to contentment. Interesting line.
A wave finds its sandy shore; You need a better description here, to stress the personification (one person as land, the other as sea). Something like 'A wave of my hand through your sandy hair'. This is the key section for this poem.
reaching, holding, repeating.
The world slips into
a universe contained in that moment. I get a feel for what you're going for, yet these lines need to be more concise. They're too nebulous.
Separate but never separated.
Land and sea. Nice, subtle ending. If the very first line in this piece was stronger, the personification/metaphor would work better: one of this couple is land, the other is sea.
(06-17-2022, 03:19 AM)Mark A Becker Wrote: [ -> ]Hey Steve-
Some in-line comments, below:
Sunday Morning
Land and sea, While this line brackets the piece, I feel it is a tad too sparse. That said, it is important, as it establishes the setting.
back to chest,
a tender embrace.
Morning light’s lazy caress on tranquil tides, We already know it's morning from the title
time stretches to contentment. Interesting line.
A wave finds its sandy shore; You need a better description here, to stress the personification (one person as land, the other as sea). Something like 'A wave of my hand through your sandy hair'. This is the key section for this poem.
reaching, holding, repeating.
The world slips into
a universe contained in that moment. I get a feel for what you're going for, yet these lines need to be more concise. They're too nebulous.
Separate but never separated.
Land and sea. Nice, subtle ending. If the very first line in this piece was stronger, the personification/metaphor would work better: one of this couple is land, the other is sea.
Hi Mark,
Thanks for stopping by and your comments. I have tried to address your comments above. I have also posted the actual original poem, my first. I tried to pare it down to its elements but maybe went too far.
thanks,
steve
PS I can't seem to get the previous version tabs to work properly
(06-17-2022, 11:40 PM)TranquillityBase Wrote: [ -> ] (06-16-2022, 11:21 PM)brynmawr1 Wrote: [ -> ]Sunday Morning
Land and sea,
two bodies back to chest, This reads awkwardly for me, and I had to stop to puzzle it out a bit. I don't think it's even needed.
a tender embrace.
Amber light’s lazy caress on tranquil tides,
time stretches to contentment. great lines
An arm washes over, I can see a wave upon the beach as an "arm", but it doesn't quite work for me. My first thought was you were referring to a body part washing up! So, maybe something else (you haven't already used "wave", so why not just "a wave washes over".....
finding its sandy shore;
reaching, holding, repeating.
The world slips away, Confused as to which is the world, the wave, the sand, or both intermixed and pulled into the deep?
our universe contained in a moment. Wonderful line
Separate but never separated.
Land and sea. great finish.
Hi TqB,
Thanks for your comments. I have made some changes. The second to last couplet is supposed to create the feeling of being totally focused on the moment which becomes your universe while the outer world (troubles, responsibilities) fade away. Open to suggestions!
Take care,
steve
You and me,
land and sea
in Tender embrace,
Morning light’s lazy caress on tranquil tides,
time stretches to contentment.
reaching, holding, repeating.
An arm embraces a wave,
Good to have the first land and sea imagery here. And good to have wave and arm on the same line in embrace.
However, that the wave goes away and returns, having it as you have, on the next line, is also good.
repeatedly finding and holding its sand.
The world slips away,
our universe contained in a moment.
A world contained each moment slips away.
Land and sea.
Separate but never separated.
Land and sea.
