Poetry Forum

Full Version: 'Unsure' Unknown (any crit)
You're currently viewing a stripped down version of our content. View the full version with proper formatting.
[font=Tahoma, Verdana, Arial, sans-serif]Too late again, it's already viral.[/font]
[font=Tahoma, Verdana, Arial, sans-serif]Who knew a video could do such harm?[/font]
[font=Tahoma, Verdana, Arial, sans-serif]The media has made me homicidal:[/font]
[font=Tahoma, Verdana, Arial, sans-serif]I'm ridiculed because I'm from a farm,[/font]
[font=Tahoma, Verdana, Arial, sans-serif]because I have a basic education,[/font]
[font=Tahoma, Verdana, Arial, sans-serif]because I think and talk slow. It's my life![/font]
[font=Tahoma, Verdana, Arial, sans-serif]It's a hard to achieve meditation.[/font]
[font=Tahoma, Verdana, Arial, sans-serif]Lucky, I found a compatible wife.[/font]
[font=Tahoma, Verdana, Arial, sans-serif]There's very few things I wouldn't notice,[/font]
[font=Tahoma, Verdana, Arial, sans-serif]but every time I talk, I sound dumber.[/font]
[font=Tahoma, Verdana, Arial, sans-serif]My defense mechanism's to focus[/font]
[font=Tahoma, Verdana, Arial, sans-serif]on all things tied together through numbers,[/font]
[font=Tahoma, Verdana, Arial, sans-serif]experience my spirits revival[/font]
[font=Tahoma, Verdana, Arial, sans-serif]everywhere I see the golden spiral.[/font]

[font=Tahoma, Verdana, Arial, sans-serif]I get the most euphoric sensation[/font]
[font=Tahoma, Verdana, Arial, sans-serif]everywhere I see the golden spiral.[/font]
[font=Tahoma, Verdana, Arial, sans-serif]I don't need meticulous equations[/font]
[font=Tahoma, Verdana, Arial, sans-serif]to know my odds don't change every die roll.[/font]
[font=Tahoma, Verdana, Arial, sans-serif]To happen once, it might happen again.[/font]
[font=Tahoma, Verdana, Arial, sans-serif]Murphy's law and karma and string theory...[/font]
[font=Tahoma, Verdana, Arial, sans-serif]Specks at infinetessimal depths in[/font]
[font=Tahoma, Verdana, Arial, sans-serif]existence, real and imaginary.[/font]
[font=Tahoma, Verdana, Arial, sans-serif]Sometimes, these feelings fade and I panic[/font]
[font=Tahoma, Verdana, Arial, sans-serif]and desperately solve Su Do Ku puzzles[/font]
[font=Tahoma, Verdana, Arial, sans-serif]to stay sharp, I mean nicotine frantic![/font]
[font=Tahoma, Verdana, Arial, sans-serif]But, new information always muddled[/font]
[font=Tahoma, Verdana, Arial, sans-serif]the useless numbers streaming through my brain.[/font]
[font=Tahoma, Verdana, Arial, sans-serif]Thankfully now, I see I was insane.[/font]

[font=Tahoma, Verdana, Arial, sans-serif]In the video I  try to explain,[/font]
[font=Tahoma, Verdana, Arial, sans-serif]I regulated your meds every night.[/font]
[font=Tahoma, Verdana, Arial, sans-serif]The useless numbers streaming through my brain [/font]
[font=Tahoma, Verdana, Arial, sans-serif]kept vigilant, the dosage always right![/font]
[font=Tahoma, Verdana, Arial, sans-serif]But that you couldn't give it to yourself,[/font]
[font=Tahoma, Verdana, Arial, sans-serif]and just so happened to have had too much,[/font]
[font=Tahoma, Verdana, Arial, sans-serif]and an antique collection on the shelf,[/font]
[font=Tahoma, Verdana, Arial, sans-serif]inheritances left to me and such,[/font]
[font=Tahoma, Verdana, Arial, sans-serif]of course your death was premeditated![/font]
[font=Tahoma, Verdana, Arial, sans-serif]Of course your old man's just looking to score,[/font]
[font=Tahoma, Verdana, Arial, sans-serif]disregarding I'm unmedicated.[/font]
[font=Tahoma, Verdana, Arial, sans-serif]So, now I consciously try to ignore[/font]
[font=Tahoma, Verdana, Arial, sans-serif]anything I can put in a pattern.[/font]
[font=Tahoma, Verdana, Arial, sans-serif]I killed my love, and nothing else matters.[/font]

[font=Tahoma, Verdana, Arial, sans-serif]Seventy years and deteriorate,[/font]
[font=Tahoma, Verdana, Arial, sans-serif]of all places locked behind a cell door,[/font]
[font=Tahoma, Verdana, Arial, sans-serif]with no one outside.  Only my death waits,[/font]
[font=Tahoma, Verdana, Arial, sans-serif]so now I consciously try to ignore[/font]
[font=Tahoma, Verdana, Arial, sans-serif]any unchecked growing feelings of guilt[/font]
[font=Tahoma, Verdana, Arial, sans-serif]with no memory of evil intent.[/font]
[font=Tahoma, Verdana, Arial, sans-serif]In sewing class, I visualize your quilt,[/font]
[font=Tahoma, Verdana, Arial, sans-serif]and everyday relive the accident.[/font]
[font=Tahoma, Verdana, Arial, sans-serif]Maybe there's not enough blood in my veins[/font]
[font=Tahoma, Verdana, Arial, sans-serif]to make right decisions.  Life is thinner,[/font]
[font=Tahoma, Verdana, Arial, sans-serif]while no longer distracting from my pain.[/font]
[font=Tahoma, Verdana, Arial, sans-serif]In a few years, I'll be hand-fed dinner.[/font]
[font=Tahoma, Verdana, Arial, sans-serif]It would be nice to join you in heaven,[/font]
[font=Tahoma, Verdana, Arial, sans-serif]But if I killed you, I don't think I can.[/font]

[font=Tahoma, Verdana, Arial, sans-serif]Three years of fun and ten more of nagging,[/font]
[font=Tahoma, Verdana, Arial, sans-serif]our brief separation and reunion,[/font]
[font=Tahoma, Verdana, Arial, sans-serif]the counsel that kept us from back-tracking,[/font]
[font=Tahoma, Verdana, Arial, sans-serif]years of compromising my opinions[/font]
[font=Tahoma, Verdana, Arial, sans-serif]while no longer distracting from my pain.[/font]
[font=Tahoma, Verdana, Arial, sans-serif]You had a heart attack and broke your hip.[/font]
[font=Tahoma, Verdana, Arial, sans-serif]The pills that kept you going left you drained,[/font]
[font=Tahoma, Verdana, Arial, sans-serif]But I stayed faithful through your bitter lip,[/font]
[font=Tahoma, Verdana, Arial, sans-serif]even long after you were bed-ridden.[/font]
[font=Tahoma, Verdana, Arial, sans-serif]They never used to sting like this before,[/font]
[font=Tahoma, Verdana, Arial, sans-serif]subconsciously I've always been smitten,[/font]
[font=Tahoma, Verdana, Arial, sans-serif]I'm just too old to argue anymore.[/font]
[font=Tahoma, Verdana, Arial, sans-serif]I'll follow all my orders here in jail[/font]
[font=Tahoma, Verdana, Arial, sans-serif]until my bodily functions all fail.[/font]

[font=Tahoma, Verdana, Arial, sans-serif]I'm guessing this is how you must have felt,[/font]
[font=Tahoma, Verdana, Arial, sans-serif]completely at the mercy of others[/font]
[font=Tahoma, Verdana, Arial, sans-serif]who couldn't comprehend what you've been dealt,[/font]
[font=Tahoma, Verdana, Arial, sans-serif]incapacitated, sickly smothered.[/font]
[font=Tahoma, Verdana, Arial, sans-serif]I'm dwelling on day dreams of suicide.[/font]
[font=Tahoma, Verdana, Arial, sans-serif]They never used to sting like this before.[/font]
[font=Tahoma, Verdana, Arial, sans-serif]You died the day I took you for my bride...[/font]
[font=Tahoma, Verdana, Arial, sans-serif]Oceans of time, emotions we've explored[/font]
[font=Tahoma, Verdana, Arial, sans-serif]and fed, a big passive-aggressive bug [/font]
[font=Tahoma, Verdana, Arial, sans-serif]of residual resentment and hate[/font]
[font=Tahoma, Verdana, Arial, sans-serif]we can no longer squash out with a hug[/font]
[font=Tahoma, Verdana, Arial, sans-serif]since you first slipped to a vegetable state.[/font]
[font=Tahoma, Verdana, Arial, sans-serif]The doctors here are giving me some pills[/font]
[font=Tahoma, Verdana, Arial, sans-serif]but take too much,  I still don't think I will.[/font]

[font=Tahoma, Verdana, Arial, sans-serif]I'm losing my grip on reality.[/font]
[font=Tahoma, Verdana, Arial, sans-serif]My conditions steadily worsening.[/font]
[font=Tahoma, Verdana, Arial, sans-serif]They always discover new maladies,[/font]
[font=Tahoma, Verdana, Arial, sans-serif]but what's really wrong, no one's listening.[/font]
[font=Tahoma, Verdana, Arial, sans-serif]The only obvious answers more drugs,[/font]
[font=Tahoma, Verdana, Arial, sans-serif]rendering me a useless drone.  They went[/font]
[font=Tahoma, Verdana, Arial, sans-serif]and fed a big passive aggressive bug,[/font]
[font=Tahoma, Verdana, Arial, sans-serif]wondering what coincidences meant.[/font]
[font=Tahoma, Verdana, Arial, sans-serif]My cell number's 853211,[/font]
[font=Tahoma, Verdana, Arial, sans-serif]exactly 55 years were married,[/font]
[font=Tahoma, Verdana, Arial, sans-serif]honeymoon we both just turned 21,[/font]
[font=Tahoma, Verdana, Arial, sans-serif]we were 34 when we remarried.[/font]
[font=Tahoma, Verdana, Arial, sans-serif]I wish you were here, pieces aren't linking -[/font]
[font=Tahoma, Verdana, Arial, sans-serif]You would let me know what you were thinking.[/font]




[font=Tahoma, Verdana, Arial, sans-serif]There was a time when patterns mesmerized[/font]
[font=Tahoma, Verdana, Arial, sans-serif]and opened up the possibilities.[/font]
[font=Tahoma, Verdana, Arial, sans-serif]Trusting my intuition, close my eyes,[/font]
[font=Tahoma, Verdana, Arial, sans-serif]connecting dots through all philosophies,[/font]
[font=Tahoma, Verdana, Arial, sans-serif]and any time I'd think I need to vent,[/font]
[font=Tahoma, Verdana, Arial, sans-serif]my shoulders rolled off troubles every shrug,[/font]
[font=Tahoma, Verdana, Arial, sans-serif]wondering what coincidences meant,[/font]
[font=Tahoma, Verdana, Arial, sans-serif]and fed a big passive-aggressive bug.[/font]
[font=Tahoma, Verdana, Arial, sans-serif]They never used to sting like this before,[/font]
[font=Tahoma, Verdana, Arial, sans-serif]and no longer distract me from my pain,[/font]
[font=Tahoma, Verdana, Arial, sans-serif]so now I consciously try to ignore[/font]
[font=Tahoma, Verdana, Arial, sans-serif]the useless numbers streaming through my brain. [/font]
[font=Tahoma, Verdana, Arial, sans-serif]Everywhere I see the golden spiral,[/font]
[font=Tahoma, Verdana, Arial, sans-serif]too late again, it's already viral.[/font]




[font=Tahoma, Verdana, Arial, sans-serif]You can't hear my last thoughts lying in bed,[/font]
[font=Tahoma, Verdana, Arial, sans-serif]remembering when we were happy, young,[/font]
[font=Tahoma, Verdana, Arial, sans-serif]and all the hopes and dreams that laid ahead.[/font]
[font=Tahoma, Verdana, Arial, sans-serif]The news that I couldn't bear children stung,[/font]
[font=Tahoma, Verdana, Arial, sans-serif]so tense the way you held your coffee mug[/font]
[font=Tahoma, Verdana, Arial, sans-serif]and spent six days sleeping in the basement.[/font]
[font=Tahoma, Verdana, Arial, sans-serif]My shoulders rolled off troubles every shrug[/font]
[font=Tahoma, Verdana, Arial, sans-serif]wondering what coincidences meant.[/font]
[font=Tahoma, Verdana, Arial, sans-serif]I knew that one hundred forty four was[/font]
[font=Tahoma, Verdana, Arial, sans-serif]your favorite number: where the Fibonacci [/font]
[font=Tahoma, Verdana, Arial, sans-serif]sequence meets perfect squares. Pythagoras[/font]
[font=Tahoma, Verdana, Arial, sans-serif]wasn't crazy like you.  Your mind's splotchy[/font]
[font=Tahoma, Verdana, Arial, sans-serif]from routine and responsibility.[/font]
[font=Tahoma, Verdana, Arial, sans-serif]I don't trust your mental stability.[/font]

[font=Tahoma, Verdana, Arial, sans-serif]I don't believe you would try to kill me[/font]
[font=Tahoma, Verdana, Arial, sans-serif]but you're clearly losing it, and I can't[/font]
[font=Tahoma, Verdana, Arial, sans-serif]go days not knowing whether I'll get three[/font]
[font=Tahoma, Verdana, Arial, sans-serif]or eight, or zero, and I could just rant[/font]
[font=Tahoma, Verdana, Arial, sans-serif]and scream but I don't have the strength.  I dont,[/font]
[font=Tahoma, Verdana, Arial, sans-serif]and anytime I'd think I need to vent,[/font]
[font=Tahoma, Verdana, Arial, sans-serif]I'd just shut down, because I know you won't[/font]
[font=Tahoma, Verdana, Arial, sans-serif]get back to your senses.  All this time spent,[/font]
[font=Tahoma, Verdana, Arial, sans-serif]my shoulders rolled off troubles every shrug,[/font]
[font=Tahoma, Verdana, Arial, sans-serif]but then I think what will happen to you,[/font]
[font=Tahoma, Verdana, Arial, sans-serif]dying alone, collapsing on a rug,[/font]
[font=Tahoma, Verdana, Arial, sans-serif]helpless.  If there was something I could do,[/font]
[font=Tahoma, Verdana, Arial, sans-serif]I'd make sure you were well taken care of.[/font]
[font=Tahoma, Verdana, Arial, sans-serif]Maybe I'm desperate, maybe this is love.[/font]

[font=Tahoma, Verdana, Arial, sans-serif]Wrestling with questions, answers, right and wrong,[/font]
[font=Tahoma, Verdana, Arial, sans-serif]trying to surrender to the river[/font]
[font=Tahoma, Verdana, Arial, sans-serif]of numbers you've obsessed over so long,[/font]
[font=Tahoma, Verdana, Arial, sans-serif]but I'm struggling with nothing to live for.[/font]
[font=Tahoma, Verdana, Arial, sans-serif]Connecting dots through all philosophies,[/font]
[font=Tahoma, Verdana, Arial, sans-serif]mostly how Plato and Aristotle[/font]
[font=Tahoma, Verdana, Arial, sans-serif]justified the actions of Socrates,[/font]
[font=Tahoma, Verdana, Arial, sans-serif]I should swallow the whole bottle[/font]
[font=Tahoma, Verdana, Arial, sans-serif]so you won't have to worry or bother,[/font]
[font=Tahoma, Verdana, Arial, sans-serif]and anytime I'd think I need to vent[/font]
[font=Tahoma, Verdana, Arial, sans-serif]hate from breath I'm unable to draw, there[/font]
[font=Tahoma, Verdana, Arial, sans-serif]are more reasons for me to be absent[/font]
[font=Tahoma, Verdana, Arial, sans-serif]anyways.  Now, how can I save you too,[/font]
[font=Tahoma, Verdana, Arial, sans-serif]and take care of you, so you won't have to?[/font]

[font=Tahoma, Verdana, Arial, sans-serif]I know where you'll get three meals everyday,[/font]
[font=Tahoma, Verdana, Arial, sans-serif]a bed to sleep on and good exercise.[/font]
[font=Tahoma, Verdana, Arial, sans-serif]They'll have to believe it's murder.  I pray,[/font]
[font=Tahoma, Verdana, Arial, sans-serif]trusting my intuition,  close my eyes,[/font]
[font=Tahoma, Verdana, Arial, sans-serif]hope my old, sore legs make it to their feet[/font]
[font=Tahoma, Verdana, Arial, sans-serif]and across the whole room without falling[/font]
[font=Tahoma, Verdana, Arial, sans-serif]and all the evidence as it was, neat[/font]
[font=Tahoma, Verdana, Arial, sans-serif]in the drawer.  The idea is appalling[/font]
[font=Tahoma, Verdana, Arial, sans-serif]but the only thing to put me at ease[/font]
[font=Tahoma, Verdana, Arial, sans-serif]is convincing myself this is your fault,[/font]
[font=Tahoma, Verdana, Arial, sans-serif]connecting dots through all philosophies,[/font]
[font=Tahoma, Verdana, Arial, sans-serif]any disagreement brought to a halt[/font]
[font=Tahoma, Verdana, Arial, sans-serif]by your infinite eternal wisdom,[/font]
[font=Tahoma, Verdana, Arial, sans-serif]now a more debilitating syndrom.[/font]

[font=Tahoma, Verdana, Arial, sans-serif]I thought a seizure was shaking my knees[/font]
[font=Tahoma, Verdana, Arial, sans-serif]but I made it, and fiddled with the cap,[/font]
[font=Tahoma, Verdana, Arial, sans-serif]and opened up the possibilities,[/font]
[font=Tahoma, Verdana, Arial, sans-serif]and leveled a handful back in my lap,[/font]
[font=Tahoma, Verdana, Arial, sans-serif]too tired to take them all right away.[/font]
[font=Tahoma, Verdana, Arial, sans-serif]I hadn't even stood up in five years[/font]
[font=Tahoma, Verdana, Arial, sans-serif]and can't believe this plan might really play[/font]
[font=Tahoma, Verdana, Arial, sans-serif]out.  Better hurry, I think I can hear[/font]
[font=Tahoma, Verdana, Arial, sans-serif]the stairs.  My heart might explode already,[/font]
[font=Tahoma, Verdana, Arial, sans-serif]exhausted.  I can't stop now.  Visualize[/font]
[font=Tahoma, Verdana, Arial, sans-serif]the ultimate goal: release.  Hands steady,[/font]
[font=Tahoma, Verdana, Arial, sans-serif]trusting my intuition, close my eyes...[/font]
[font=Tahoma, Verdana, Arial, sans-serif]But all the possible outcomes I'm shown,[/font]
[font=Tahoma, Verdana, Arial, sans-serif]I'll always be unsure of the unknown.[/font]

[font=Tahoma, Verdana, Arial, sans-serif]Nothing happened for a while, just breathing.[/font]
[font=Tahoma, Verdana, Arial, sans-serif]There was a time when patterns mesmerized [/font]
[font=Tahoma, Verdana, Arial, sans-serif]and danced in the darkness, just daydreaming[/font]
[font=Tahoma, Verdana, Arial, sans-serif]about our first date's big carnival prize.[/font]
[font=Tahoma, Verdana, Arial, sans-serif]You've been my rock for half a century[/font]
[font=Tahoma, Verdana, Arial, sans-serif]not mentioning a few chips and cracks.[/font]
[font=Tahoma, Verdana, Arial, sans-serif]I took up sewing to stop bickering,[/font]
[font=Tahoma, Verdana, Arial, sans-serif]the counselor's suggestion to help relax.[/font]
[font=Tahoma, Verdana, Arial, sans-serif]Scenes of Greek goddesses in their temples;[/font]
[font=Tahoma, Verdana, Arial, sans-serif]tokens from our honeymoon adventure;[/font]
[font=Tahoma, Verdana, Arial, sans-serif]starfish, snail shells, sunflowers, pineapples.[/font]
[font=Tahoma, Verdana, Arial, sans-serif]Our cuddle time on the sofa ensured[/font]
[font=Tahoma, Verdana, Arial, sans-serif]and opened up the possibilities[/font]
[font=Tahoma, Verdana, Arial, sans-serif]of growing closer.  Ancient histories.[/font]

[font=Tahoma, Verdana, Arial, sans-serif]Too late, again.  It's already viral.[/font]
[font=Tahoma, Verdana, Arial, sans-serif]The pressure in my heart's unbearable,[/font]
[font=Tahoma, Verdana, Arial, sans-serif]tremendous pain, no chance of survival.[/font]
[font=Tahoma, Verdana, Arial, sans-serif]Last second hope heaven's attainable,[/font]
[font=Tahoma, Verdana, Arial, sans-serif]is that a golden spiral in the sky?[/font]
[font=Tahoma, Verdana, Arial, sans-serif]Am I hovering outside on a hill?[/font]
[font=Tahoma, Verdana, Arial, sans-serif]Do you make it in prison for my lie? [/font]
[font=Tahoma, Verdana, Arial, sans-serif]Do you die of grief to be with me still?[/font]
[font=Tahoma, Verdana, Arial, sans-serif]I'm just going to count until I reach [/font]
[font=Tahoma, Verdana, Arial, sans-serif]the result of my choices or destiny.[/font]
[font=Tahoma, Verdana, Arial, sans-serif]I hope it's a blue sea and white sand beach.[/font]
[font=Tahoma, Verdana, Arial, sans-serif]One, one, two, three, five, eight, thirteen, twenty-[/font]
[font=Tahoma, Verdana, Arial, sans-serif]I guess nothing goes with, when someone dies;[/font]
[font=Tahoma, Verdana, Arial, sans-serif]there was a time when patterns mesmerized[/font]
C, enjoyed reading this.  I was confused by the change in speakers after stanza 5 (?) and I think it would be good to split it into two sections.  Since it's a long poem, that also gives readers a chance to pause and take a breath..

I really liked the first section the most; the speaker and his numbers/patterns obsessions.  Second section not so much, but that may be more the subject matter than anything else.  Getting old is not a subject I enjoy reading about.  I'm living it.
Good idea, done - thanks!