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Take up the sword Knights of Nary!
We will fight with weapons drawn at the enemy.
Make sure you make time to parry.
We must win this battle with our weapons on our side.
Because it is when our time to strike begins now.
Where our hearts stay merry and so we fight.
The hour of clashing arms and blood smear on us.
The hour of trying to fight on with our power reigns.
We go onwards with our horse and strike as a must.
And where our love takes its course and we live;
For the power and where we will not stop fighting.
It’s in our power not to sorrowfully die and give.
“Take our flanks for the spearman, to the fight!” I say.
They do just that, in the nick of time they clash!
Which the battle was almost at an end as it may.
When they fight they fight gallantly without fear.
Take up the sword my dear Knights of Nary.
May you win the battle without a sorrowful tear.
They fight not to lose but to remain victorious.
Which is the code to not give up!
(05-11-2020, 11:42 AM)JaggedEdge Wrote: [ -> ]Take up the sword Knights of Nary!
We will fight with weapons drawn at the enemy.
Make sure you make time to parry.
We must win this battle with our weapons on our side.
Because it is when our time to strike begins now.
Where our hearts stay merry and so we fight.
The hour of clashing arms and blood smear on us.
The hour of trying to fight on with our power reigns.
We go onwards with our horse and strike as a must.
And where our love takes its course and we live;
For the power and where we will not stop fighting.
It’s in our power not to sorrowfully die and give.
“Take our flanks for the spearman, to the fight!” I say.
They do just that, in the nick of time they clash!
Which the battle was almost at an end as it may.
When they fight they fight gallantly without fear.
Take up the sword my dear Knights of Nary.
May you win the battle without a sorrowful tear.
They fight not to lose but to remain victorious.
Which is the code to not give up!

Even though I've never been a soldier, I can relate to it as a kind of rousing cheer, perhaps a way of rousing myself to action in some area in my life where I'm stuck. Some of the lines have a nice ring to them , but "because it is when our time to strike begins now" seems more prosaic and unnecessary.
(05-13-2020, 03:31 PM)ComposerMike Wrote: [ -> ]
(05-11-2020, 11:42 AM)JaggedEdge Wrote: [ -> ]Take up the sword Knights of Nary!
We will fight with weapons drawn at the enemy.
Make sure you make time to parry.
We must win this battle with our weapons on our side.
Because it is when our time to strike begins now.
Where our hearts stay merry and so we fight.
The hour of clashing arms and blood smear on us.
The hour of trying to fight on with our power reigns.
We go onwards with our horse and strike as a must.
And where our love takes its course and we live;
For the power and where we will not stop fighting.
It’s in our power not to sorrowfully die and give.
“Take our flanks for the spearman, to the fight!” I say.
They do just that, in the nick of time they clash!
Which the battle was almost at an end as it may.
When they fight they fight gallantly without fear.
Take up the sword my dear Knights of Nary.
May you win the battle without a sorrowful tear.
They fight not to lose but to remain victorious.
Which is the code to not give up!

Even though I've never been a soldier, I can relate to it as a kind of rousing cheer, perhaps a way of rousing myself to action in some area in my life where I'm stuck. Some of the lines have a nice ring to them , but "because it is when our time to strike begins now" seems more prosaic and unnecessary.
So should I remove that line, or replace it with another line? And hey thanks for your feedback. I hope others will critique this too.
(05-13-2020, 04:35 PM)JaggedEdge Wrote: [ -> ]
(05-13-2020, 03:31 PM)ComposerMike Wrote: [ -> ]
(05-11-2020, 11:42 AM)JaggedEdge Wrote: [ -> ]Take up the sword Knights of Nary!
We will fight with weapons drawn at the enemy.
Make sure you make time to parry.
We must win this battle with our weapons on our side.
Because it is when our time to strike begins now.
Where our hearts stay merry and so we fight.
The hour of clashing arms and blood smear on us.
The hour of trying to fight on with our power reigns.
We go onwards with our horse and strike as a must.
And where our love takes its course and we live;
For the power and where we will not stop fighting.
It’s in our power not to sorrowfully die and give.
“Take our flanks for the spearman, to the fight!” I say.
They do just that, in the nick of time they clash!
Which the battle was almost at an end as it may.
When they fight they fight gallantly without fear.
Take up the sword my dear Knights of Nary.
May you win the battle without a sorrowful tear.
They fight not to lose but to remain victorious.
Which is the code to not give up!

Even though I've never been a soldier, I can relate to it as a kind of rousing cheer, perhaps a way of rousing myself to action in some area in my life where I'm stuck. Some of the lines have a nice ring to them , but "because it is when our time to strike begins now" seems more prosaic and unnecessary.
So should I remove that line, or replace it with another line? And hey thanks for your feedback. I hope others will critique this too.

I can't say for sure... but if it were me, I would be sensitive to which parts have an invigorating sound to them or a poetic ring, and keep those. Also eliminate things that seem to be repetitious without adding any feeling or sound. So I like the words "battle!" "clash!" "flanks!" for their rousing sound. And words like "gallantly" or "victorious" have an emotional charge for me. (Notice all the short 'a' sounds here.. maybe a good theme to stick to). But maybe no need to repeat the word "fight" a lot. Again, I can't say for sure... it's your poem and I'm no expert.

Mike
(05-14-2020, 10:20 AM)ComposerMike Wrote: [ -> ]
(05-13-2020, 04:35 PM)JaggedEdge Wrote: [ -> ]
(05-13-2020, 03:31 PM)ComposerMike Wrote: [ -> ]Even though I've never been a soldier, I can relate to it as a kind of rousing cheer, perhaps a way of rousing myself to action in some area in my life where I'm stuck. Some of the lines have a nice ring to them , but "because it is when our time to strike begins now" seems more prosaic and unnecessary.
So should I remove that line, or replace it with another line? And hey thanks for your feedback. I hope others will critique this too.

I can't say for sure... but if it were me, I would be sensitive to which parts have an invigorating sound to them or a poetic ring, and keep those. Also eliminate things that seem to be repetitious without adding any feeling or sound. So I like the words "battle!" "clash!" "flanks!" for their rousing sound. And words like "gallantly" or "victorious" have an emotional charge for me. (Notice all the short 'a' sounds here.. maybe a good theme to stick to). But maybe no need to repeat the word "fight" a lot. Again, I can't say for sure... it's your poem and I'm no expert.

Mike
Thanks I thought there was something wrong with the wording.
Ok here is the revision though I should probably work on it a little more but I am eager to know what you think of it.

Take up the sword Knights of Nary!
We will spar with weapons drawn at the enemy.
Make sure you make time to parry.
We must win this battle with our weapons on our side.
Because it is when our time to strike begins now.
Where our hearts stay merry and so we fight.
The hour of clashing arms and blood smear on us.
The hour of trying to fight on with our power reigns.
We go onwards with our horse and strike as a must.
And where our love takes its course and we live;
For the power and where we will not stop fighting.
It’s in our power not to sorrowfully die and give.
“Take our flanks for the spearman, to the fight!” I say.
They do just that, in the nick of time they clash!
Which the battle was almost at an end as it may.
When they attack they fight gallantly without fear.
Slash with your swords my dear Knights of Nary.
And smell the blood on your blade you hold dear.
May you win the battle without a sorrowful cry!
They fight not to lose but to remain victorious.
The battle rages on, enemy knights you will die.
.
Hi Jagged,
the title puts me in mind of Monty Python (Knights who say Ni), and since the general thrust seems to be one of exhortation, perhaps a different title?

I assume Nary is a deliberate choice, but quite what the Knights of Never may be I don't know.

There's a lot of repetition of ideas - 'take up the sword' seems not too dissimilar to 'fight with weapons drawn (as opposed to fighting with weapons sheathed?) - for instance.

And then 'drawn' appears to be contradicted by 'on our side'.

Lines 14-17 (in the revision) seem at odds with the rest of the piece, being a description of some action, rather than an encouragement.

I also got lost on the switching from 'we' to 'you' to 'I' and 'my' - and does 'they' refer to the enemy? It seems to in the revision.

Some cut and paste butchery (just food for thought).


Take up the sword you Knights of Nary!

For there before us stands the enemy.
The hour of arms and blood's upon us.
The moment of sorrow and death is nigh

Where our hearts stay merry - we fight!

(then, perhaps a section devoted to presenting a clearer picture of who the enemy might be?)



Best, Knot





.
(05-15-2020, 02:36 AM)Knot Wrote: [ -> ].
Hi Jagged,
the title puts me in mind of Monty Python (Knights who say Ni), and since the general thrust seems to be one of exhortation, perhaps a different title?

I assume Nary is a deliberate choice, but quite what the Knights of Never may be I don't know.

There's a lot of repetition of ideas - 'take up the sword' seems not too dissimilar to 'fight with weapons drawn (as opposed to fighting with weapons sheathed?) - for instance.

And then 'drawn' appears to be contradicted by 'on our side'.

Lines 14-17 (in the revision) seem at odds with the rest of the piece, being a description of some action, rather than an encouragement.

I also got lost on the switching from 'we' to 'you' to 'I' and 'my' - and does 'they' refer to the enemy? It seems to in the revision.

Some cut and paste butchery (just food for thought).


Take up the sword you Knights of Nary!

For there before us stands the enemy.
The hour of arms and blood's upon us.
The moment of sorrow and death is nigh

Where our hearts stay merry - we fight!

(then, perhaps a section devoted to presenting a clearer picture of who the enemy might be?)



Best, Knot





.
Thanks Knot, I will get to work on fixing those lines, but if I replace them that way will I lose the rhyme? Oh and by the way the "they" does refer to the enemy, they are just other knights.
(05-15-2020, 03:21 AM)JaggedEdge Wrote: [ -> ] if I replace them that way will I lose the rhyme?
Which rhyme/s? You may lose some but gain others. What rhyme scheme were you using?


You could develop something like this ...


Take up the sword you Knights of Nary!
For there before us stands the enemy.                                lines 1,2 imperfect end rhymes /i/
The hour of arms and blood's upon us.
The moment of sorrow is nigh
Let your hearts be merry - we fight!                                  lines 4,5 end with assonance /ʌɪ/



take up your swords brave Knights of Nary
for we face, once more, the dread Adversary                   lines 1,2 imperfect end rhymes /i/
...


(and so on)


But it all depends on what you want to say with the piece, and how you want to say it.


Best, Knot


.
(05-15-2020, 10:06 PM)Knot Wrote: [ -> ]
(05-15-2020, 03:21 AM)JaggedEdge Wrote: [ -> ] if I replace them that way will I lose the rhyme?
Which rhyme/s? You may lose some but gain others. What rhyme scheme were you using?


You could develop something like this ...


Take up the sword you Knights of Nary!
For there before us stands the enemy.                                lines 1,2 imperfect end rhymes /i/
The hour of arms and blood's upon us.
The moment of sorrow is nigh
Let your hearts be merry - we fight!                                  lines 4,5 end with assonance /ʌɪ/



take up your swords brave Knights of Nary
for we face, once more, the dread Adversary                   lines 1,2 imperfect end rhymes /i/
...


(and so on)


But it all depends on what you want to say with the piece, and how you want to say it.


Best, Knot


.
The rhyme scheme was Ababa (do you know what I mean?) and thanks for the crit.


Ok Knot I made another revision, it might not be the best and it's a little shorter than the latter but what do you think? Also what should the title be instead? Do you have any suggestions?

Take up the sword you knight of Nary
For there before us stands the enemy.
Take up your swords brave Knight of Nary.
For we face, once more, the dread Adversary.
The hour of arms and blood’s upon us.
The moment of sorrow is nigh
Let your hearts be merry - we fight!
And where the battle goes in our favour.
When we spar it is when our blade reaches their throat.
And where we will be victorious in the battle.
This is a last call to arms for us knights.
So pack your weapons and join the fight.
We will make sure we remain victorious in the fight.
The enemy is a dark chevalier with a lance in hand.
We will bring it down and take on the other knights.
We will smell the blood which lingers through our noses.
And now with our sword they will know death.
.
Hi Jagged,
you caught me out with the latest revision, was just about to post about the rhyme scheme.


OK.
The latest revision is I think it's stronger (in terms of content) up to about line 10, and the final line is one I think lifts the piece. It's a much more emphatic ending (though perhaps 'by' for 'with'?)
Not sure about lines 11-16: for instance - 'pack your weapons and join the fight' suggests that the fight is some time/distance away, which contradicts line 2.
I like the idea of 'dark chevalier' - it might be worth considering introducing him/them earlier (perhaps as a new line 3?)


As to the rhyme scheme (revision 2) - maybe divide the poem into three line verses (in keeping with your aba rhyme scheme).

Take up the sword Knights of Nary!
We will spar with weapons drawn at the enemy.
Make sure you make time to parry.

We must win this battle with our weapons on our side.
Because it is when our time to strike begins now.
Where our hearts stay merry and so we fight.

etc.

In the first verse, line 2 shares the same last syllable as L1 and L3, which is a bit confusing.
You might consider reordering/rewording that line, for instance

Take up the sword Knights of Nary!
advance on the enemy with weapons drawn
Make sure you make time to parry.


or simply switch 'enemy' for 'foe' or some other synonym.

Not that I mind, but it's worth noting that Nary/parry (nɛːri /pari ) is a weaker rhyme than any of the others you use.



Best, Knot



.
(05-16-2020, 01:12 AM)Knot Wrote: [ -> ].
Hi Jagged,
you caught me out with the latest revision, was just about to post about the rhyme scheme.


OK.
The latest revision is I think it's stronger (in terms of content) up to about line 10, and the final line is one I think lifts the piece. It's a much more emphatic ending (though perhaps 'by' for 'with'?)
Not sure about lines 11-16: for instance - 'pack your weapons and join the fight' suggests that the fight is some time/distance away, which contradicts line 2.
I like the idea of 'dark chevalier' - it might be worth considering introducing him/them earlier (perhaps as a new line 3?)


As to the rhyme scheme (revision 2) - maybe divide the poem into three line verses (in keeping with your aba rhyme scheme).

Take up the sword Knights of Nary!
We will spar with weapons drawn at the enemy.
Make sure you make time to parry.

We must win this battle with our weapons on our side.
Because it is when our time to strike begins now.
Where our hearts stay merry and so we fight.

etc.


In the first verse, line 2 shares the same last syllable as L1 and L3, which is a bit confusing.
You might consider reordering/rewording that line, for instance

Take up the sword Knights of Nary!
advance on the enemy with weapons drawn
Make sure you make time to parry.


or simply switch 'enemy' for 'foe' or some other synonym.

Not that I mind, but it's worth noting that Nary/parry (nɛːri /pari ) is a weaker rhyme than any of the others you use.



Best, Knot



.
Ok I have made the necessary revision for it as you suggested in your feedback but I want to come back to the poem in 6 months or less anyway what do you think of it so far? I also titled it Bree


Bree

Take up the sword you Knight of Bree.
Advance on the foe with weapons drawn.
Let this enemy named Drak be put to sleep.
 
For we face, once more, the dread Adversary.
The hour of arms and blood’s upon us.
The moment of sorrow is unnecessary.
 
Let your hearts be merry - we fight!
And where the battle goes in our favour.
Where we will slit it’s throat with a strike.
 
And where we will be victorious in battle.
This is a last call to arms for us knights.
So we mustn’t delay our efforts to saddle.
 
We will make sure we remain victorious in the fight.
The enemy is a dark chevalier with a lance in hand.
We will bring it down and take on other knights.
 
We will smell blood which lingers through our noses.
And now by our sword they will know death.
 
.
Hi Jagged,
nothing wrong with taking time between revisions, no deadlines here.

Not sure why you've changed the title (do you want the Tolkien connection?) other than to make rhyming easier.

I'd suggest working out the chronology of events in this piece (and do it without worrying about rhyming). In S1 there is the instruction to 'advance' while in S2 'we' are 'facing' the enemy and 'the hour ... [is] upon us' (suggesting that these events occur before L2/S1). In fact, you could probably move S1 to the penultimate position. You have 'victorious' twice, and how does 'blood linger through our noses'?

Just a thought ...

Take up the sword you Knights of Nary
The hour of arms and blood’s upon us.
we face, once more, the dread Adversary.

Let your hearts be joyous - we fight!
And where the battle goes in our favour.
shall we slit the enemy's throat with a strike.



Best, Knot


.
(05-21-2020, 09:46 PM)Knot Wrote: [ -> ].
Hi Jagged,
nothing wrong with taking time between revisions, no deadlines here.

Not sure why you've changed the title (do you want the Tolkien connection?) other than to make rhyming easier.

I'd suggest working out the chronology of events in this piece (and do it without worrying about rhyming). In S1 there is the instruction to 'advance' while in S2 'we' are 'facing' the enemy and 'the hour ... [is] upon us' (suggesting that these events occur before L2/S1). In fact, you could probably move S1 to the penultimate position. You have 'victorious' twice, and how does 'blood linger through our noses'?

Just a thought ...

Take up the sword you Knights of Nary
The hour of arms and blood’s upon us.
we face, once more, the dread Adversary.

Let your hearts be joyous - we fight!
And where the battle goes in our favour.
shall we slit the enemy's throat with a strike.



Best, Knot


.
Oh was Bree a place in Lord of the Rings? I may have to change it then? And hey thanks for the suggestions.