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Full Version: A Sonnet for my Messed up Mind
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How do I loathe thee? Let me count thine ways
You make dizzy and frail
You made me feel like I only fail
The only days I feel okay are the days where I have gone away
 
Dissociation, spaced out, daze
Drinking water from the ‘holy grail’
Hoping it will finally nail
Away the way my mind likes to play
 
For you make me cry
You make me sad
You make me feel unloved
 
So now they pry
And my mom gets mad
Because I can’t see how I am beloved.
This is my first post here so sorry if I screw up any formatting.
Baseline-I really liked it. I finished reading with some of the emotion that you clearly put into this poem so all I have to say is thank you. You showed restraint with the language, keeping a poem out of the ostentatious dribble that themes like these often divulge. It was clear you were having fun with the word choice though I think you should keep the medieval vibe going the whole way through. Starting the second stanza with "dissociation, spaced out, daze" felt like a different poem entirely. You might benefit from saying those things indirectly with some kind of middle-earth imagery. Also on the topic of directness, this poem would do well with some irony. You call it a sonnet yet themes of love don't appear. Try some sarcasm with how you list the afflictions of depression. I would suggest doing this by treating your "messed up mind" as a separate person, how you want to be with her, how she rejects your advances, how she makes you feel. I get that that would require a pretty drastic rewrite but it really could elevate your poem and give the reader something to dissect.
Again, thanks for making me feel. You wrote with that dated language so naturally that it felt like your real voice, very impressive.
This poem is simple, to the point, but derivative, sorry this is just my opinion, also who is prying? Imaginary people? God? What? by the way I agree with James there is some archaic language that needs to go but I don't think he said that, well I am saying that now.



Please note that our different forums require different levels of feedback. This is the mild to moderate critique forum.  If you are going to offer critique in this forum, it needs to be more in-depth next time.  Thank you!  

-Quix/admin
First oft, this is not a Sonnet. The first line is a bastardization of the first line of Elizabeth Barrett Browning's Sonnet 43:

"How do I love thee? Let me count the ways."

In comparison to the rest of the poem it fails miserably. There is no consistent rhythm or meter established. A number of the rhymes are forced:  "away-daze" 'daze' should be 'dazed'. "Grail-nail".

After the section of forced rhymes, rhyme is nearly completely abandoned.

Most of the poem is simple statements, no poetic devices are used. There is nothing fresh or original just sophomoric claptrap; nothing that hasn't been written better a thousand times before. 

On the bright side the grammar is not too bad (although the punctuation is lacking) and there are no misspelled words.

Welcome to the site,

best,

dale
(03-12-2020, 08:19 AM)Marissacharles__ Wrote: [ -> ]How do I loathe thee? Let me count thine ways
You make dizzy and frail
You made me feel like I only fail
The only days I feel okay are the days where I have gone away
 
Dissociation, spaced out, daze
Drinking water from the ‘holy grail’
Hoping it will finally nail
Away the way my mind likes to play
 
For you make me cry
You make me sad
You make me feel unloved
 
So now they pry
And my mom gets mad
Because I can’t see how I am beloved.

I want to encourage you to keep trying, but the problem is that this is the "woe is me" beginner mistake (see the basic critique pinned posts for more). It may be that your life feels somewhat bad or even entirely bad, but we need poetry to be something more than that. For me, I want it to give some new perspective or sense of openness or spaciousness. Can you think of any moments when you life seemed that way? When it seemed to transcend the ordinary and become something more, even for a short time?