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There was once a man named The Unspoken who resided in a tower overlooking the town of Marbalee.
It was the tallest tower in the valley; Isolated in a meadow, colored purple with the fragrant odor of Lavender thick in the summer air. 
In the tower The Unspoken would stay; Isolated from the city he once frequented in his childhood. 
He thought back to the days of the past, where his one true love Angela shared his company.
She would sing the songs passed down by her mother.
 Every day she would venture into the meadow picking the wildflowers that grew. 
Thinking back to the fateful day he shuddered. 
Murdered in cold blood by his own hands. He hated the monster that lay beneath for that was his curse. 
A shapeshifter meant to never love. Isolated in the tower to forever grieve until his last breath. 

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(01-10-2020, 09:58 PM)Killingwithasmilexd Wrote: [ -> ]There was once a man named The Unspoken who resided in a tower overlooking the town of Marbalee.
It was the tallest tower in the valley; Isolated in a meadow, colored purple with the fragrant odor of Lavender thick in the summer air. Might want to alter your punctuation here to avoid the fragrance, rather than the flowers, coloring the valley purple.  Moving the comma from after "meadow" to after "purple" would do it.
In the tower The Unspoken would stay; Isolated from the city he once frequented in his childhood. Comma rather than semicolon here?
He thought back to the days of the past, where his one true love Angela shared his company. 
She would sing the songs passed down by her mother.
 Every day she would venture into the meadow picking the wildflowers that grew.  I itch to see "there" after "grew."
Thinking back to the fateful day he shuddered. Perhaps colon instead of period here?
Murdered in cold blood by his own hands. He hated the monster that lay beneath for that was his curse. Comma after "beneath?"  Also emm dash or even a colon at the end of this line to indicate the final line is related to this one.
A shapeshifter meant to never love. Isolated in the tower to forever grieve until his last breath. 

This is intriguing as a story, could serve as the introduction to a much longer one.  As such, it raises all sorts of questions:  is The Unspoken merely excusing his own crime by creating a separate, responsible personality?  More importantly, is the story really over at the end of the poem, or will it be resolved in a way that leads to TU's salvation and rejoining the life of the valley?

A few comments above.  You capitalize after a semicolon, which is non-standard for prose.

It might be interesting to rewrite this story with a formal poetic structure, adding meter and/or rhyme to its reason.
(01-10-2020, 11:15 PM)dukealien Wrote: [ -> ]
(01-10-2020, 09:58 PM)Killingwithasmilexd Wrote: [ -> ]There was once a man named The Unspoken who resided in a tower overlooking the town of Marbalee.
It was the tallest tower in the valley; Isolated in a meadow, colored purple with the fragrant odor of Lavender thick in the summer air. Might want to alter your punctuation here to avoid the fragrance, rather than the flowers, coloring the valley purple.  Moving the comma from after "meadow" to after "purple" would do it.
In the tower The Unspoken would stay; Isolated from the city he once frequented in his childhood. Comma rather than semicolon here?
He thought back to the days of the past, where his one true love Angela shared his company. 
She would sing the songs passed down by her mother.
 Every day she would venture into the meadow picking the wildflowers that grew.  I itch to see "there" after "grew."
Thinking back to the fateful day he shuddered. Perhaps colon instead of period here?
Murdered in cold blood by his own hands. He hated the monster that lay beneath for that was his curse. Comma after "beneath?"  Also emm dash or even a colon at the end of this line to indicate the final line is related to this one.
A shapeshifter meant to never love. Isolated in the tower to forever grieve until his last breath. 

This is intriguing as a story, could serve as the introduction to a much longer one.  As such, it raises all sorts of questions:  is The Unspoken merely excusing his own crime by creating a separate, responsible personality?  More importantly, is the story really over at the end of the poem, or will it be resolved in a way that leads to TU's salvation and rejoining the life of the valley?

A few comments above.  You capitalize after a semicolon, which is non-standard for prose.

It might be interesting to rewrite this story with a formal poetic structure, adding meter and/or rhyme to its reason.

Thank you so much. This helps a ton. I have many ideas for this story but unfortunately my computer is down so I started it on my phone. You definitely gave me some things to work on so I can improve this. Thank you.